Random Thoughts: August 2008 Archives

Not really, as school hasn't started quite yet.  But this does relate to both cutting and class.  Read on...

I pulled out the course book for Statistics, the one dealing with using the calculator for the class.  The calculator I already have has statistics functions, so I thought I was all set.  But when I looked at the book, it was for graphing calculators, which is not what I have.  Statistics is my first class on Tuesday, and I don't know if the bookstore has any of the correct calculators still in stock.  I decided to go to Staples to buy the right one.  The right one costs $119, but thankfully there's a mail-in rebate; ultimately the calculator will only have cost me $80.

Only.

So I'm not too happy about that, but I figure it's an investment.  After all, statistics will play a role in my future as a psychologist, what with research and all that.  Ok then, I can stomach the cost.

I got it home and decided to take it out of its hard plastic packaging.  You know the type of plastic I mean- the kind that requires a chainsaw and metal gloves to cut through it without cutting yourself on its edges.  I chose to use one of Randy's box cutters; they work so much better than scissors for this sort of thing.  All went well at first, and then my hand slipped and I sliced my thigh.  It isn't as bad as it sounds.  It bled quite a bit at first, but when I stopped the bleeding and got the cut cleaned, I saw that it really isn't much deeper than the scratch of an angry cat.  The scratch of an angry cat doesn't require a tetanus shot, though.

An old box cutter slice does.

It's been over 10 years since my last shot, and the doctor's office won't be open tomorrow due to the holiday, so I had to take myself to the ER for the oh-so-fun injection.  Now my arm almost hurts more than the cut itself.

At least I won't need another tetanus shot for another 10 years.

There's always a silver lining, eh?

I need an attitude adjustment. 

I have been quietly panicking about the difficult courses I'm taking this semester.  I'm tired of waking up, tied in knots because I'm afraid I can't do it.

I've decided that, rather than feeling terrorized by these classes, I'm going to embrace them as new challenges to be met and conquered. 

We'll see how long this new outlook lasts.

As I filled yet another order of crossword puzzle books, I suddenly had a thought:

Wouldn't it be fun to bring one of the books home, do all of the crosswords, then smuggle it back to the store to be sold?  Can't you just see the recipient's face when he receives it?

This is what happens when work doesn't fully occupy the mind.

I never seem to be around any more, do I?  I want to change that.

School starts up again on Tuesday, and in all honesty, I'm not looking forward to it.  So many times lately I've woken up with this sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.  It's those darn Human Bio and Statistics classes, for the most part, that are driving me nuts.  I try not to think about them too much.  After all, what can I do about any of that right now?  But the anxiety creeps past my defenses from time to time.  I'm about to start reading the first chapters of my textbooks, and try my hand at some of the Statistics problems at the beginning of the book; I want to be prepared.  I know that one of my professors prefers that her students read the first chapter before classes begin anyway, so it's not as though I'm being that anal. 

Hm.  What else?

I went to the funeral to support my friend as he buried his son.  He seemed about as well as could be under the circumstances.  There were several of us from the program, as well as from work.  The place was filled with the boy's former classmates and teachers.  It was very moving.  On an embarrassing note, about a third of the way through the service I suddenly had to pee.  Badly.  I shifted my position frequently.  I looked up at the stained glass image of Christ behind the alter and prayed to God with all my might that I make it through the service.  Sadly, I only made it through another 15 minutes or so.  Thankfully I was sitting in the very last pew near the front entrance.  I quickly and quietly made my exit, hurried to the side entrance hidden from the main body of the church where the service continued on, and ducked into the bathroom.  Unfortunately, I could hear everything going on in the other room through the walls, and I came to the horrifying realization that if I flushed the toilet, it would clearly be heard, interrupting the eulogies.  Hardly appropriate.

What to do?

In the end, I didn't flush the toilet, but stayed near the bathroom until the service concluded.  Then I quickly made my way back to the bathroom to take care of the problem.

Sheesh.  Leave it to me.

That was Saturday.  Sunday my sinus allergies kicked in so I stayed home and chilled.

Monday I stayed home from work and spent the afternoon with my mother, and then my siblings when they came home.  My mom told me about her most recent visit with her friend D.  They had a nice time, but Mom found out that the day before her visit, D had been in so much pain that she'd had to give in and go to the ER.  She's been put on Oxycontin, and is facing the fact that this was just a taste of the pain to come.  The oxy helped for now, though, and she was able to get out and do things with Mom.  The cancer has metasticized to her shoulder, one lung and her right hip.  She doesn't know how much longer she has, but will begin more chemo soon.  When it's closer to time, she doesn't want to pursue the more aggressive therapies that would only buy her a couple of extra months.  So that's where that stands.  She has some time yet, though.  We'll see.

Yesterday, Randy and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary.  When I got up, Randy had left cards for me to find around the house.  I love that man.  He offered to take me out to dinner, but I really wanted to stay home and relax with him here.  Instead, he cooked me a wonderful steak dinner and we watched a movie.  Much nicer to spend time together, just the two of us.  Well, and the cats, who don't like it when we pay attention to each other instead of to them.  They'll get over it.

Today is my brother's birthday and we'll be going to Mom's house for dinner.

And the guy is finally here to install our new furnace.  I can hear him working industriously in the other room.

That's it.  Busy week.  I want to go back to bed now, but I have to keep an appointment, and then return to work; I was already there earlier.  Such is life.

But it's a good life, really, so I guess I take it.

I've been down this week, a little depressed.   Some sad things happening here.

First, awhile back, I mentioned that my mother had finally reconnected with a friend, one who she had been looking for for years.  Shortly after sharing that with you, I found out that D__ has colon cancer.  It had been in remission, but had come back by the time she found my mother again.  Mom has gone to New Hampshire (I thought she lived in VT, but I was wrong) a couple of times to visit her when D's been there; D splits her time between N.H. and Texas, where her brother and his family live.  D is very detached, clinical and analytical, wanting to know precisely what's going on with her body without getting caught up in the emotions.  She finds my mother soothing because Mom knows and understands that this is what D needs and wants right now.  My mother started her nursing career on an oncology unit, and so will discuss D's cancer with her in a manner that she feels most comfortable.  D has tried all of the traditional treatment methods, and nothing has worked this time.  She had returned to Texas with the intent of trying an experimental radiation treatment but, before she could begin, the treatment was discontinued because it was found to cause heart troubles in some of the test subjects.  There's nothing left now, really.  If she chooses to spend her last days in Texas with her family, then our family has decided to pool our money together to send my mother to visit when the time is right.  We need to do this for her, and I want to do this for D as well; she's always been so good and loving to my mother, and to me.

There's more, though.

Last weekend, during an AA meeting, one of my friends shared that he was really worried about one of his sons.  I know that this son had been depressed ever since a bad skiing accident had left him hospitalized for awhile.  He was physically better, but the time in the hospital had affected him mentally and emotionally for some reason.  My friend had been troubled by this, and also concerned, I think, that his son might be turning out like him.

The next day, his son died in a motorcycle accident.

I'm saddened by this, and worried about my friend.  He had been in and out of the rooms (slang for AA meetings and sobriety) for a long time, but had recently celebrated 2 years.  It's the longest he's ever stayed sober.  I'm hoping that he's getting through this without drinking, but you just never know.  I left a message for him but haven't heard back; I didn't really expect to.  I just wanted to let him know that I'm here if he needs anything.  He's divorced and lives alone.  I'm sure that his sponsor and men friends from the program are holding his hand through this, though.  All I can do is hope and trust, and be here if he needs to talk.

So that's been my week.  Sorry I haven't been around, but I've needed some time.  Ever since '04 when there was that string of deaths in my family, death hits me harder than it used to.

See you soon.

No blogging last night; a storm moved into the area and I decided to just shut my computer off and unplug it.

I managed to make it through 4 hours at work yesterday before needing to come home.  This makes sense considering I've been  stuck on the couch for 2 weeks.  I wasn't sick, just exhausted.  And yes, I know how lucky I am to have a job which allows me to leave whenever I want.  Especially one that surrounds me with books!

Speaking of which, I've discovered that we carry a book on "Extreme Pumpkin Carving."

sigh

Why must everything be "extreme" these days?  It's ridiculous!  What's next, extreme toenail clipping?  Extreme nose picking?

Honestly.

From lusting for blood to bloodlust- that's been my reading lately.

Having just completed the Twilight saga, I've moved on to The Ice Man: Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer, by Philip Carlo.  It's the true story of Richard "The Ice Man" Kuklinski, one of the most notorious killers-for-hire in history.  His name came up toward the end of my Abnormal Psych class last semester, and I was intrigued.  My professor shuddered as she described seeing a taped interview with the man, how dead and remorseless his eyes were as he recited some of the horrific methods he used to torture and kill his victims.  For decades, nobody suspected this husband and father of three, a man who loved entertaining his neighbors and showering presents on his family.  Having an interest in the criminal mind myself, I decided to read more about him.

At the risk of having a contract taken out on me, I have to say I'm disappointed.  Kuklinski is a fascinating case, and the author has the potential to tell a gripping story.  Unfortunately, though Carlo has talent (this book was a NY Times bestseller, and he has written several other biographies), I had some real problems with this book.   Carlo was in desperate need of two things: a thesaurus, and an editor who actually knows how to edit.  The words "stone cold killer" were used to describe just about every killer in the book, repeatedly, thereby losing its effectiveness as a description for the Ice Man.  Or any of the other killers, for that matter. 

That wasn't the only repetitive part of the book.  Phrases and even sections of the book are used again and again, sometimes verbatim.  Annoying!  The book should, by rights, be half as long as it is.  A little editing and proper organization would have made this an excellent biography.  As is, I found myself becoming aggravated, my focus on the story constantly broken by yet another "this was to prove to be a fatal mistake" or "he was dead before he knew it" or "the police had no idea..."

My beef is with the editor more than the author.  It is the editor's job to clean this sort of thing up, and he didn't do it.

On the plus side, this has hammered home to me just how crucial a good editor is!

Final analysis?  Richard Kuklinski's story is fascinating and ugly.  If you're really interested, then get this book from the library, but don't buy it.  Otherwise, give it a pass.

I'm finally feeling human again, and can (thankfully) return to work on Monday.  Phew!

Randy and I bought my school books the other day.  I handed the girl my course listing, and she started pulling the texts.  I decided to go ahead and buy the recommended materials (in addition to the required ones) for Human Biology; I'll need all the help I can get.  I didn't pay any attention to the materials, just paid for them and came home. 

Once in the house, I threw the bag onto the sofa and grabbed a snack.  While I nibbled, I pulled the bag over and started to look through my purchases.  Among the optional materials, there was a CD-Rom.  Curious, I examined it more closely, taking another bite as I did so.  I regretted doing it almost instantly. 

The cd is a virtual dissection of a corpse for me to do in my free time.

Yum.

Did I mention how much I'm looking forward to this class?

Thought so.

I suppose I'm getting better.  I'm still dealing with stomach pains and cramping, but I'm more alert now.  Do you know, I've actually gone days without turning my computer on at all.  Now, I stay off of computers when I'm on vacation, so it isn't unprecedented.  But I never go a day at home without at least checking my email.  But I did this week.

To be fair, I was totally absorbed by the Twilight Saga.  I read all 4 books (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn), twice.  I became totally immersed, and am already missing the characters I grew to love.  This series isn't for everyone, of course, and I wouldn't insist that you all read it.  It's become a permanent part of my collection, though, and I would recommend it to those of you who are at all intrigued.

Other than reading and watching the Olympics, I haven't done much.  I tried to go to work on Monday, and I made it through 2 hours.  My boss took one look at me when I walked in and tried to send me home, but I wanted to give it a shot.  By the end of the 2nd hour, though, my legs burned as though I'd just run miles.  She told me to just stay home until I'm well, so that's the plan.  I need money though, so it's a short-term plan.

If I'm strong enough, Randy is going to drive me to school tomorrow to get my books while there are still some used copies to be had.  I went online to the school's bookstore; if I only buy used, and only buy the required books and not the recommended ones as well, I'm looking at $500 minimum.  And on a side note, why not just call Human Biology "Anatomy and Physiology" if every textbook and supplementary material is called "Anatomy and Physiology?"  Only the lab book has the words "Human Biology" in it.  Time to buy Anatomy and Physiology Demystified and Anatomy and Physiology for Dummies, I think.  I believe that's about my level right now.  I'm so not ready for this coming semester.

I think it would be cheaper and easier to drop out of school to give birth to a herd of elephants, than to finish my education.

No wonder I don't feel well.

The doctor couldn't test me for Lyme because it seems I've caught some sort of stomach virus; I've been sick since Saturday.  The tests for E Coli and Salmonella came back negative (I knew they would- Randy isn't sick) so it isn't that.  I think I'm suffering more from mild dehydration at this point than from the actual virus itself.  I tried going to work for a bit on Tuesday, but only lasted 20 minutes before my boss sent me home.  It seems this stomach bug has been going around, and someone has been hospitalized after collapsing from dehydration.  No worries, I'm nowhere near there.  But I do feel tired, weak and apathetic, as well as still having some of the viral symptoms.  I haven't really been able to eat much this week, but I'm trying.

Just thought I'd let you know that I'm still breathing at least.

I've been sick.  Actually, it has occurred to me how very often lately I've been sick, or had aching joints, or have been so exhausted that even though I've had a full night's rest, I can still nap for several hours during the day if I let myself. 

Almost all of the symptoms can be explained away individually: my job is physical, so of course I'm going to be achy and tired, or have memory lapses (from the numbness of exhaustion).  I keep getting a shooting pain in one of my knees, but as my knees come into play a lot at work with lifting, climbing and kneeling, that's to be expected.  My neck is stiff and sore, but I have back problems.  I have allergies that sometimes mimic a cold, so naturally I'll get a sore throat and the chills.  I've had difficulty swallowing the pills I have to take for bipolar and my thyroid condition lately, almost choking on them, but that could be psychosomatic, a reaction to almost choking on them the first time it happened.  I keep getting this stomach/gi thing every few days, too, leaving me feeling squiffy.

But if I step back and lump some of these symptoms together, it could be that I have a recurrence of Lyme Disease.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon to get tested.  We'll see.  In the meantime, I'm going to go take a nap.  I don't feel so hot.