I was speaking with an AA friend yesterday, and we got around to talking about our days as bar drinkers. She said that she was always a lightweight, and I told her that I was a heavy-hitter. I used to drink most of the men under the table as I downed shots of tequila.
For what it's worth, I don't recommend doing that, even if you're not an alcoholic. Oh the pain of the next day!
My friend was surprised by my revelation. "I can't see that at all. It's the total opposite of how you are now! You're so feminine."
It was my turn to be surprised.
She's not the first one to comment on how ladylike I am, how feminine I am. But that's not how I see myself at all. I'm used to thinking of myself as a tomboy; I know I was one growing up. Skinned knees, dirty clothes, messy hair and bruises were normal for me. I'd rather be playing ball with the boys than playing with Barbie or having tea parties. I couldn't stand the thought of being girly and have always tried to be tough, like the guys; I was scornful of girly-girls. The only way you'd get me in a dress would be to force me, and even then you'd have one heck of a fight on your hands! First you'd have to be able to climb to the top of the tree to get me, then figure out how to get me out of it without either of us breaking a limb or two. And I don't mean branches!
I'm not quite sure when this changed. I know that in college I began to care more about how I looked, how my hair was styled and that my make-up was ok. I never wore much make-up; I liked to look natural. I still do, though now you can tell when I am (or am not) wearing it.
As I my drinking progressed, though, I couldn't be bothered to take a bath very often. Clothes? I would wear the same things day after day sometimes. Make-up? Maybe,but probably not. It depended more on how much money I had. If I had enough money to pay for my own drinks then I wouldn't be too bothered about how I looked. But if I was low on cash, I'd make more of an effort. That way I could "cute" my way into getting guys to buy me drinks. Naturally this was before I met Randy.
I don't think anyone would have called me "girly" during that time period. They had other names for me.
Once I got sober I started to take better care of myself, much to the relief of everyone around me. Still, you'd almost never see me dressy. I feel self-conscious to this day when I look nice. Not that I look sloppy (except in the privacy of my own home, where I'm usually wearing pajama bottoms and a tank top), but I'm more of a jeans and t-shirt type of woman.
That's how I think of myself: I'd still rather be barefoot, kicking a ball around. I can't climb trees anymore because of my wrist. And let's be real: I never actually do kick a ball around, and I'm rarely outside. I hate the bugs. I'm not sure when they began to bother me so much, but they do. As a kid I used to love camping; I haven' t been in about 20 years.
I still wear jeans and t-shirts, but usually at work. When I go out, if I'm wearing jeans I usually dress them up with a nice top and shoes. Even at my most casual, I have to look nice.
And I wear skirts and dresses. Sometimes.
When did the feminization fairies pay me a visit? And what did they slip me so that they could take over my mind and body, and not remember their visit?
Because, as it turns out my friends are right and I'm wrong. I may think like a tomboy, but somewhere along the way, I became a woman.
At least they haven't taken away my ability to swear like a sailor when the mood strikes, so I'm still in there somewhere.
For what it's worth, I don't recommend doing that, even if you're not an alcoholic. Oh the pain of the next day!
My friend was surprised by my revelation. "I can't see that at all. It's the total opposite of how you are now! You're so feminine."
It was my turn to be surprised.
She's not the first one to comment on how ladylike I am, how feminine I am. But that's not how I see myself at all. I'm used to thinking of myself as a tomboy; I know I was one growing up. Skinned knees, dirty clothes, messy hair and bruises were normal for me. I'd rather be playing ball with the boys than playing with Barbie or having tea parties. I couldn't stand the thought of being girly and have always tried to be tough, like the guys; I was scornful of girly-girls. The only way you'd get me in a dress would be to force me, and even then you'd have one heck of a fight on your hands! First you'd have to be able to climb to the top of the tree to get me, then figure out how to get me out of it without either of us breaking a limb or two. And I don't mean branches!
I'm not quite sure when this changed. I know that in college I began to care more about how I looked, how my hair was styled and that my make-up was ok. I never wore much make-up; I liked to look natural. I still do, though now you can tell when I am (or am not) wearing it.
As I my drinking progressed, though, I couldn't be bothered to take a bath very often. Clothes? I would wear the same things day after day sometimes. Make-up? Maybe,but probably not. It depended more on how much money I had. If I had enough money to pay for my own drinks then I wouldn't be too bothered about how I looked. But if I was low on cash, I'd make more of an effort. That way I could "cute" my way into getting guys to buy me drinks. Naturally this was before I met Randy.
I don't think anyone would have called me "girly" during that time period. They had other names for me.
Once I got sober I started to take better care of myself, much to the relief of everyone around me. Still, you'd almost never see me dressy. I feel self-conscious to this day when I look nice. Not that I look sloppy (except in the privacy of my own home, where I'm usually wearing pajama bottoms and a tank top), but I'm more of a jeans and t-shirt type of woman.
That's how I think of myself: I'd still rather be barefoot, kicking a ball around. I can't climb trees anymore because of my wrist. And let's be real: I never actually do kick a ball around, and I'm rarely outside. I hate the bugs. I'm not sure when they began to bother me so much, but they do. As a kid I used to love camping; I haven' t been in about 20 years.
I still wear jeans and t-shirts, but usually at work. When I go out, if I'm wearing jeans I usually dress them up with a nice top and shoes. Even at my most casual, I have to look nice.
And I wear skirts and dresses. Sometimes.
When did the feminization fairies pay me a visit? And what did they slip me so that they could take over my mind and body, and not remember their visit?
Because, as it turns out my friends are right and I'm wrong. I may think like a tomboy, but somewhere along the way, I became a woman.
At least they haven't taken away my ability to swear like a sailor when the mood strikes, so I'm still in there somewhere.
