I went to Harold's celebration and, happily, discovered that it was two other acquaintances' anniversaries as well. It was a great meeting, made even more so by having an opportunity to catch up with an old friend with whom I'd had a falling out. We talked for an hour after the meeting ended and, though we never once spoke of the night that we walked away from our friendship, I felt as though we were tacitly telling one another that it's okay now, that we're okay now. We'll never be the friends that we were before, and that's okay, too. But we like and respect one another, and can enjoy each other's company when we meet.
Relinquishing old anger and pain releases me in return.
I haven't slept well the past couple of nights. I was anxious Monday night because I had to attend the luncheon for scholarship recipients on Tuesday, and I knew that I was expected to say a few words. I never fell fully asleep that night, edgy as I was. The luncheon actually went very well. The donors were kind and took a real interest in us. I'm very shy, but I made it through gracefully I believe.
I was extremely tired for the rest of the day but, being me, got a second wind in the evening and had trouble falling asleep, and then staying asleep. You know that old commercial "Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now?" Well, that was me last night, and it kept waking me up. The profound desire not to sleep in a puddle drove me out from under the covers, covers over which Randy and I kept fighting, and in which I didn't wish to swim.
It wasn't conducive to sleep.
Though tired, I made it through today rather well. A couple of my friends celebrated their anniversary tonight at my former home group, and I went to be with them. I haven't been to that meeting in over a year due to scheduling conflicts and, to be honest, a need to take a break from them. Being there gave me a chance to catch up with some friends who I haven't seen in a long time. These are people who I usually only came across at this particular meeting, and it was great to see them again. I'll probably continue to pop in every couple of weeks over the summer to visit with them some more. I also discovered that one of my favorite people in the program, Harold, is celebrating 28 years on Friday night, so I'm making it a point to go there, too. I just love this old guy. His son is in the program and, in fact, lives with my biological father's ex-wife, mother of the half-sisters I don't know. Small world. I don't hold that against him, though. Both father and son are kind, funny and intelligent. There are people in this life who touch you, and you may not even know why, but they do. Harold is one of those people for me.
I guess that's it, that's all that's going on. Oh, someone asked about the party my SIL called me about, the one with the "romance enhancers" for sale. That's not until July 11.
I'll be sure to fill you in when it happens.
*G*
I've been "off" this weekend. Physically, I've had a strange feeling of discomfort located at the lower sternum/upper stomach region; I'm still not sure what that's about. I'm not nauseous or in pain, just uncomfortable and a little achey. Today I also had a shaky, hypoglycemic feeling even though I had eaten a sandwich and a small candy bar before it started. It wasn't caffeine-related; the shakes were different and I had already switched to decaf.
Even more troubling- to me at least- was a sense of disconnect. I had to force myself to go to my AA meeting; I wasn't sick enough to use that as an excuse to skip it and isolate. Once there, I felt out of sync with everyone. I couldn't track with them, with what they were saying. I drifted from group to group of friends before the meeting started, but felt that my responses to them were somehow wrong. I wasn't a step ahead of where they were, or a step behind; I was a step or two to one side, if that makes sense to anyone other than me. I don't believe anyone noticed, but I grabbed one of my closest friends there and told her what was going on with me. She asked if I'm manic, and I honestly don't know. I don't have that fey feeling I usually get when manic. I suspect that this has something to do with suddenly having nothing much to do after having to do so much for so long; it's taken a mental and emotional toll.
You know that head rush you get when you've stood up too fast, or if you've been sick in bed for awhile? That sense that the world has slipped sideways for a moment? That kept happening to me while I was at the meeting, and I tuned in and out of what was going on around me. I'm not depersonalizing. I don't feel as though I'm outside of myself watching me. I came home and curled up in bed for a few minutes, and it suddenly struck me how weightless I felt. I don't mean that lighter-than-air feeling you get when you're really happy. This was ephemeral, as though a breeze would not simply blow me away, but dissipate me like vapor. I wasn't real. I wasn't solid.
I'm a little better, I haven't yet completely reconnected. Now it's as though I'm real and the world isn't.
You don't mind being imaginary for a little while, do you?
