Cat

Smile!

My favorite pens

Earth Hour

I just received this email and, after having checked it out, have decided to participate. It was created by the World Wildlife Fund (link takes you right to their Earth Hour page) and partnered in the U.S. by HP, National Geographic and esurance among others. The event calls for us to turn our lights off for one hour, between 8-9 P.M. local time. You sign up on their website so that your participation is logged and can be counted. I realize this is last minute- I just found out about it myself- but I plan to take part. How about you?

from the email:
" Earth Hour is on 29 March 2008 at 8pm, and it looks like it's going to be really big. So far, as well as Sydney, there'll also be Chicago, Tel Aviv, Manila, Copenhagen, Melbourne, Brisbane and Toronto all turning off their lights for an hour in the name of fighting global warming. And I'm sure there'll be more cities by March. Sign up for Earth Hour with me by visiting Earth Hour and join the movement."

Editing Out the Author?

As most of us are aware, the title and author of a book are listed on its spine. Sometimes, however, the layout for such things hasn't been thoroughly considered. Evidence of that fact as seen today:

Learning to Kill Ed McBain

Now, either that wasn't thought through, or else Mr. McBain's cover artist has it in for him.

Needs Must, but I Don't Want To

You know you're tired when not even the chapter on sexual disorders and associated deviant behavior can keep you awake.

I look at the world through the spaces between the bamboo shades. It's a striped world, semi-private but with the illusion of total privacy, and all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep. I remind myself that I deprive myself of rest now so that I can work a shorter day tomorrow and enjoy a longer weekend; I'll be glad I did it then. Now, however, I hear the soft creaky ticking noise of the heater at work and the purring of the cat beside me, soporific sounds. Vehicles speed by on the road, such industrious bustling; I'm not ready to join them yet.

My car is frosted over and looks sickly, as though it suffered from some rare car skin disease: mottled and peeling. I hope I never look that way.

Ah, well. Ready or not, world, here I come.

More Random Stuff

I pick a lot of books at work to fill orders, and don't pay much attention to them unless there's something about them that catches my eye. There's this one arts and crafts author, well-known within that circle, and her books sell, but her stuff isn't something I'm particularly interested in, so they fall into the category of "pick and move on." One day recently, though, there was something about her photo that caught my attention. I didn't know why at first. She looked like your average, middle-aged woman in one of those unflattering sweaters that this breed tends to like so much (think of Bill Cosby's sweaters in woman form, with large flowers instead of patterns). Upon further inspection, I realized it was her eyes. They have this crazed, psychotic look in them. I couldn't help but wonder:

Will her next book be "Sewing for Satan?"

In other news, after I brought my insurance card to the pharmacy, the bill was still coming in at $1221 and some change for the 3 month supply! We called the insurance company and discovered that with our plan, we have to pay for all of our prescriptions upfront, and then get reimbursed for them! Their turnover time is excellent- a week at the most- but still! That means that any time any of my prescription are running low, I'll have to start setting aside large chunks of money so I can get them refilled. This is crazy. When I drove back to the pharmacy yesterday, I knew full well that I would be putting the money on my credit card, but I still choked and teared up when I slid that card into the machine to do so.

Also, I have an addendum to add to the Q tip saga. I add to that the question: do Q tips even care which way they get used, as long as they're used? Or would they rather stay warm and snuggly in their box with the other Q tips, vainly hoping that I will somehow not see them, and leave them alone?

Brother

I don't have a lot to say tonight, but it occurs to me that I didn't share with you the outcome of my brother's arrest a couple of months ago.

I haven't had anything to add as the case was continued several times. The prosecutor wanted my brother to plead guilty to possessing less than whatever amount it was. If he did that, his probation wouldn't be violated, but this misdemeanor would be on his record all the same. His lawyer advised against taking the deal. He and the other lawyers wanted to argue that the search of Drew's friend's car was illegal. After pulling over Drew's friend on the pretense that the tag light was out, the police claimed to be trying to locate a girl who was supposedly in their company, but the windows weren't tinted and a glance inside the vehicle easily showed that she wasn't with them (in fact, she had returned home already). The prosecutor was pretty decent. He told Drew's lawyer that he could go ahead and argue the illegal search, and if the motion was lost, the deal would still be on the table. Our feeling was that Drew had already been coerced into a plea deal in the past for something he didn't do; we didn't want history to repeat itself. The lawyers did their thing, and in the end Drew didn't have to plead guilty. He was told to do 10 hours of community service by a certain date in April. As long as he complies, his probation won't be violated and this charge won't go down on his record.

Thanks for all of the prayers and good wishes you sent his way!

Country Song

Actual title of a country song:

"It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long."

(by The Notorious Cherry Bombs)

lyrics include "sometimes I might feel frisky/but these days it's just too risky" and "if a tree fell in the forest and she didn't hear it, would I still be wrong?"

The video is pretty funny too. As one man sings "I used to roll her in the clover/thank God those days are over" they show the man lying down in bed, his arms folding over his chest protectively as he holds tazers in each hand.

*G*

Happy Easter.

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

"How to Pay Zero Taxes"
"Arrest-Proof Yourself"
"Is There a Problem, Officer?"

All three books bought by the same person.

I sense a theme.

I received my insurance card in the mail today. I won't be able to get to the pharmacy until Saturday morning thanks to my work schedule vs. pharmacy schedule, but it's nice to know that it's finally an option.

I heard back from my professor, who was confused by my concern over my overall performance in the class. He said that I have a B+ or A- at the moment, and believes that I'll wind up with an A in the end. The only suggestion he could make is that I should reread my assignments (always essays) before I turn them in to make sure that I've said everything I want to say. He's right. I have a tendency to leave it for the last minute, not allowing myself time to sleep on it and make improvements when I read it again with fresh eyes. I really need to find a better approach to time management regarding this class.

Randy is going to help me clean this weekend in preparation for the appraiser on Monday morning. This morning the handyman came over to take a look at our furnace. I've been hearing this truly ominous sound as of water absolutely gushing through the heating system. It didn't happen all the time, and Randy never heard it at all. But I knew that what I was hearing was not normal. The furnace is about 20 years old. The pipes are rusting and caked with lime buildup. Just touching some of the spigots caused water leakage. And, frighteningly, the temp had gone up to over 200 degrees. The boiler was filling up with steam, blocking the heating pipes and then suddenly releasing the hot water in a rush, which is what was causing the noise I was hearing. The man has patched us up and we're fine for the time being. We're going to have to replace the furnace this summer, however. It's an expense, but also an investment. It will be EnergyStar rated and will save money in the future, as well as peace of mind. This is, I believe, the last major expense in our renovation process. We already replaced the fuel tank, the hot water heater and the water softening system in the past couple of years.

Now cross your fingers that the septic system remains in good shape, and that our well doesn't run dry.

Those two things really shouldn't be lumped together like that.

For 2 days now, I've had "Son of a Preacher Man" running through my head. Just the chorus, though, because I don't know all the words.

Well, I've got to work both jobs tomorrow/today, so I'd better get some rest. Empress Wheezy is willing it so; she wants to curl up between my feet making it difficult to turn over. She has a "built-in forgetter."

She forgets that I kick in my sleep.

I Want to be an Ostrich Now

I'm tired of never having anything but complaints to write about.

I still don't feel well, though I'm better than I was.

I only got an 86 on my Sociology midterm, a fact that is bothering me like nails on a chalkboard. I've written to the professor to ask what I can do to bring my grade (for the class) up. I'm averaging a very respectable high-B, but I can't settle for respectable. He'll probably have me (correctly) pegged as a Type A overachiever, but I don't care. I would rather ask and see if there's anything I can do at this point, than not and settle for a B when I could have had an A. But, as it's Spring Break, I don't know when he'll get back to me, so I have to stew until then.

My husband's employer has just switched health insurance providers. I hear that the coverage under this new plan is excellent, and all of my doctors accept it. That's an improvement over the last one, though that one was great because they never pried into the reasons I needed the medications or psychotherapy; they just paid and left me alone. Anyway, I have this new coverage (and to be positive for a moment, at least I have health insurance, unlike millions of Americans. Ok, so I started that on a positive note, but ended on a kind of negative one), only they haven't sent out our new cards yet. This is a problem, as I have prescriptions to fill. Randy and I discovered yesterday that the medication I take for bipolar came to over $1000 for a 3 month supply! I'm still in shock. Obviously I can't afford that, so I can't pick up my prescription until I can give the pharmacy our new insurance card. They've been kind enough, though, to dole out some of the pills to hold me over until the card arrives. The insurance co. gave Randy directions for accessing a temporary card until the permanent one arrives, however I have spent the entire morning trying to register on the site as instructed, only to receive error notices that the info I'm providing is incorrect. Which it isn't. I even have the form my husband filled out to verify that the info I'm entering is correct. So still no card, and a great deal of frustration. By now, in addition to the med for bipolar, I also need to have another prescription filled. This one is not as crucial, but still needed. By the time this is resolved, I have a feeling that I'll need my thyroid medication as well.

This is snowballing, and not in a good way.

I have gone from turning the air blue with cursing, to making it a nice, deep indigo.

And I haven't been able to leave for work at the bookstore because we're waiting for the insurance agent to get back to us to resolve the situation.

I'm so not a happy camper.

I've been neglecting everything, and feeling like I'm constantly dropping the ball in at least one aspect of my life, and often more than one. Blogging is one of those things.

Can I go home now?

Oh wait. I'm already there.

And my house is a pigsty, and we're refinancing, and the appraiser is coming Monday. Which means that I have to get the house cleaned, whether I feel like it or not. I want it cleaned, but I want it cleaned magically.

As the saying goes: stick a fork in me; I'm done.

Not So O.K.

I came down with a stomach bug this weekend that I can't quite seem to shake. But I have to go to work today, and then meet up with a couple of women with whom I'm working on a group project due upon our return from Spring Break.

I think midterms went well. I know that I got a 100 on my abnormal psych exam, but won't know anything about the other 2 until later.

I just want to crawl back into bed, but I guess that will have to wait until tonight. At least, with time off from school this week, I'll be able to get some more rest.

I'm O.K.

Ducking in to let you know that I'm on the upswing, but am in the middle of midterms. I'll be back soon...

All Over the Place

I saw my psychiatrist this week- the appointment was scheduled months ago and had nothing to do with my recent bouts with depression- and let her know everything that's been going on. After discussing it, we decided to increase the medication I take, which is reasonable; I've been taking the minimum therapeutic dosage until now.

I've been tired and weepy. I've had a strange sense of inertia, moving slowly not physically, but mentally I suppose, though that's not quite right either. I'm able to operate at normal capacity mentally once I get myself going, but I lack the motivation or drive to actually follow through with an action. For example, the other morning I was running late for school, which is something that would have had me racing around frantically. Instead, I felt calm, mellow even, sitting on my couch sipping coffee and thinking "I should be getting ready, and I should be caring more about the fact that I'm not, but I don't." I arrived just in time for class, but at no point did I truly feel a sense of urgency about getting there. Having arrived, however, I felt present, awake and participated fully.

It's those times when I'm alone that trip me up.

That's not strictly true either, though. Two days ago I received an email of pictures of cats doing ridiculous things, and the photos had captions. There were two in particular that made me laugh when I saw them. Later that night, when I showed them to Randy, I started laughing again, only this time it turned into a fit of laughter and I couldn't stop. Tears were streaming down my face and I realized that yes, I was laughing because it was funny, but underneath it was this sense of deep pain, and the tears that were falling down my face weren't simply the tears produced by laughter; there was sorrow mixed in as well.

Then there's the flip side, related in a way to the uncontrollable laughter. Having increased the med on Thursday, I've had some spikes towards the manic side as well as the valleys of depression I'd already been experiencing. Last night, while working at the gas station, I felt what I used to refer to as a "natural high" but which is, in fact, a manic episode, It wasn't a bad one, and Randy was there to help me get things done; I couldn't really focus or think straight for a few minutes while it was at its peak. A sample of my stream of consciousness:

"I feel fey. Strange word, not used enough anymore. Pretty and descriptive, mysterious. Fey. Fay Wray. What ever happened to Fay Wray. Frankenfurter. RCO Tower. Falling."

And then my thoughts spun on from there, and I'm not quite sure where. Doesn't matter. That train of thought was rather lucid, really, but had little to do with getting the paperwork done that needed to get done so I could lock up and go home. I watched t.v. with Randy, then read until after 4 a.m., something I haven't done since I returned to school, unless it was course-related.

I'm not sure where I'm at now. It's raining again (cue the old Supertramp song. ugh.) and I find it soothing. My house is a disaster, and I haven't taken a shower. I don't feel like it. I suppose I will at some point, but for now it's just the cats and I. They sniff Randy's feet after he's been hard at work all day, so I figure they can put up with my (I can only imagine) more pleasant scent.

It's also the 4th anniversary of my father's suicide. Sometimes I feel it, and other times it's as though I'm examining the event dispassionately, the way a scientist might examine the corpse of a lab animal he was dissecting. I don't really like that analogy- I hate the use of lab animals. But it's the one that came to mind and, therefore, is probably significant.

I don't know. I just don't know. I have a couple of midterms to study for (politics and sociology) and a regular exam (ab. psych) as well. I'll get around to that, perhaps later tonight. I'll go to my AA meeting this afternoon. Other than that, I just want to sit here and watch the rain, or maybe finish that book I was reading until the wee hours. In case you're wondering, it's Jean M. Auel's "The Valley of Horses."

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Just Keep Moving

Feeling heavy, but not crushed. Keeping busy helps, even if I don't really want to do it. Sometimes it's good to have commitments which must be kept.

Good news: I've managed to put on those pounds I (unintentionally) lost, and am once again maintaining the weight that I want. I still need to get an appointment with my doctor for that follow-up, though.

*sigh*

It's raining. It's a nice gentle rain, not conducive to moving off of the couch. Work is calling, though, so off I go.

Descent

I was ok for the first part of yesterday, and then I suddenly started spiraling down into depression. I made myself finish work, and then go to school. It helped a bit, and I didn't have to fight to hold back tears anymore. But when I woke up today, it was back. So I'm going to school, and I'm going to work, and I'm reminding myself that things will get better. They always do. This too shall pass, and all that.

I'm just not feeling it yet.

Weekend Update

That's what it comes down to, at least for the past week. Here's what's going on:

First, I wound up getting an A on the Pol. of Social Welfare quiz, and 100 on my math test. Oddly, I'm still not doing as well in Sociology as I would like: I got a B on this week's quiz. When I checked, I saw that the 3 answers I got wrong were the 3 I agonized over. The problem with the quiz is that it shows what I got wrong, but doesn't provide the right answer, so I don't know if my alternate answer would have been on the right track or not. I'll have to email my professor. As for my Abnormal Psych class, that's going very well. We're finally talking about the disorders themselves- until now we were focusing on the background of the field. We have videos that came along with our text to watch, one for each disorder. We've been divided up into groups, and each group has chosen a disorder to present, assess and suggest treatment for. I'm in the bipolar group. I didn't particularly want to cover that, but my friends wanted to and we wanted to work together, so bipolar it is. Actually, that's kind of funny: this past week's sociology assignment focused in part on how groups influence individual behavior, so there's a prime example of it! Anyway, this assignment is going to be both fun and interesting. I've already watched most of the video and will be making my assessment soon. My group decided to each come up with our own assessment and treatment plan and then get together to confer. We'll come up with one plan and present it to the class when it's our turn. I live so far away from the other two women that this option seems best. We'll only have to try to get together once this way.

So, that's school (I type, pausing briefly to sip Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee, compliments of Green Mountain roasters).

Last weekend I celebrated 11 years of sobriety, and it was pretty amazing. To be honest, I wasn't expecting much. I don't know why, but I didn't think there would be a big fuss, just cake and a few congratulations before getting back to the usual meeting format. My mother and Randy were there, and I unexpectedly teared up while speaking to the group at the beginning of the meeting. The topic that we would normally have been covering that day was gratitude, and I spoke of how grateful I was for everything. I sat down, and thought that the group would discuss gratitude. They did, but most of the meeting seemed focused on me. People kept raising their hands, telling stories of how I had helped them, either directly or by example. One newcomer shared that the first time he had come to the meeting, he was so scared. He had raised his hand and introduced himself because he had been told he should, but that was as much as he could manage. Afterwards, he said, he looked up and saw me smile at him. I told him to just keep coming, and he did. I had made him feel safe and welcome. As of my anniversary, he had 90 days. I don't remember that, but he does, and ultimately that's what matters. Another person shared that the fact that gratitude was the day's topic (we read from a book of daily reflections, and discuss the reading for that day) was absolutely perfect because everyone can see how grateful I am for the gifts I've been given, and that I share that with everyone else. A woman shared that I always present myself as such a lady, a fact that she envies. A couple of us laughed at that. I pointed out to her after the meeting that I swear like a trooper and fart with the best of them, if it makes her feel any better. *G* At the end of the meeting, my mother raised her hand and broke down crying as she thanked the group and AA for giving her her daughter back.

I'm tearing up as I write that.

It was such an emotional day, and one which took me utterly by surprise. Oddly, the week sort of progressed that way. Ordinary people, not in AA, have randomly been saying nice things about me: that I'm kind, warm-hearted, generous, whatever. It's funny because that's not at all how I see myself. I'm not fishing for compliments here, just musing about the fact that the way other people see me, and the way I perceive myself, are so vastly different. Perhaps I should try to be a little kinder to myself, about myself. Maybe I'm not quite as cynical and selfish as I think I am. And maybe I can try to be more like the person they believe me to be, rather than the person I feel myself to be on the inside.

All of this was nice, and needed. I've discovered that my medical problem hasn't fully improved. Since school started this semester and my stress level has increased after winter break, I've begun losing weight again. I went from a size 14 to a size 8 over the course of last semester, and I am happy to stay there. Unfortunately- and some of you will hate me for this- I'm eating like a horse and still losing weight. Over the past couple of weeks I've eaten huge, juicy cheeseburgers with fries, a heaping helping of ziti casserole smothered in cheese accompanied by an entire basket of garlic bread, steaks, fully-loaded baked potatoes, home fries, real macaroni and cheese (not out of a box), inch-thick slabs of french toast slathered in butter and syrup, cheese cake... and I still lost 4 pounds! While some of you are probably feeling a little jealous right now, don't. It isn't healthy. I've grossed myself out with the thought that when I'm not stuffing my face, my body is basically eating itself.

Ew.

I'll be going back to the doctor soon for that follow-up. I haven't had a repeat of my heart stopping, which is a good thing. I've had a couple of hard thumps and some discomfort, but that's it. Definitely time to schedule that appointment, and make whatever further adjustments the doctor needs to make. I am hoping, of course, that when this is all over I can eat all of those wonderful foods and maintain my weight, neither gaining nor losing. Wouldn't that be lovely?

On top of all that, I felt sick to my stomach all week, which left me a bit miserable. Nothing full-blown, just an almost constant state of nausea. Thankfully, it seems to have passed and my spirits are gradually lifting. I'm probably going to have dinner with Dad tonight, and I really should get some homework done. But I think I'll go see what's been happening in your lives first.

See you there.