Closing Another Chapter

As another year slips into the past, I think about all that happened...

It was, in many ways, a difficult year. In fact, it mirrored 2004, quite possibly the worst year of my life. And yet, this year wasn't so bad. In fact, there was a lot to be grateful for.

As I remember the losses- both grandfathers, two friends, my sister's dog and our own beloved Sam- I'm saddened, but grateful for the time I had with them. And you were there with me, supporting me when I needed it.

When things went wrong or were scary- financial reverses, health scares, family problems- you stood by me and bolstered me.

When good things happened, you celebrated with me- finally returning to college after a 16 year absence and my subsequent successes, landing jobs just when I needed them the most, seeing Bill Cosby with my mother.

My world has expanded tremendously in the past year. There have been a lot of changes in a very short time, but it's all a part of growing as a person, and it all works out as it should.

You've played a part, and I thank you.

May 2008 bring peace to your homes, joy to your hearts, and love in its many forms into your lives.

Love always,

me

Checking In

Hm, where to begin.

With Christmas over, and New Year's practically a non-event in our house, the constant stress I've lived under suddenly came to a stop. However, I've been vibrating at such a high frequency for so long, it's taken a couple of days for my mind and body to catch up with that fact. I still had to make my hours at the bookstore despite the time off for the holiday (at least, I think I was supposed to, so I did), which meant trying to cram a lot of work into a couple of days; I still had a couple of shifts at the gas station as well. I went to work at the bookstore on Friday at 7:30 and worked until just before 2, which is when I had to be at the gas station. I worked there until closing which, by the time I had cleaned up and done the paperwork, it was 8. So I was on my feet non-stop for just over 12 hours, on floors which are cement, with just the thinnest of covering over them. By the time I came home my knees and back were hurting with an ache that seared right down to the bone. Then I, who never falls asleep before 2-3 AM, dozed off on the couch by 10, and dragged my tired body to bed at 10:30.

I slept for 11 hours.

Going into the weekend, I had many good intentions. I made sure that I had all of my hours in at the bookstore so that I could have the entire weekend off. I wanted to clean my house, first and foremost. I also owe notes to some family members: I screwed up and didn't get Christmas cards out to most people this year. I wanted to, but I just couldn't do everything that needed to be done, and that's one of the things which slipped through the cracks. I never even put up a tree this year! Anyway, I owe people letters, and that was on my list of things to do yesterday. It never happened. The emotional and physical toll of the past few months caught up with me, and I did nothing but read (Clan of the Cave Bear), veg in front of the t.v./watch a movie (Blood Diamond), or play a video game I've recently purchased. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone about anything of any significance whatsoever. Although I did go to an AA meeting for an hour, knowing that I needed to take care of myself in that way.

That's it. That is the sum total of my day yesterday. It felt good.

Today, I have many things to do as a result, and I'm still feeling a reluctance to do them. But I really do want to clean my house. It's in such a state that it adds to my stress to be in it, rather than acting as a soothing sanctuary. All of the fur my cats have shed is giving me severe sinus headaches too, so cleaning is a necessity on several levels.

I've got a lot of work to do today before I have to go to my real jobs tomorrow, and I have to admit that I'm still trying to drag up the oomph to get moving.

No Island for Misfit Books

It was a sad, sad day at the bookstore today. All of the orders have been filled, so we're restocking the shelves, pulling some books to be shipped to various other locations (I'm not sure why) and handling returns. That isn't the sad part. The sad part is

gulp

we're pulling books off of the shelves which haven't been selling, and boxing them to be pulped! Destroyed! It's all so terribly wrong!

Every book I pulled, I felt as though I were betraying it. It was a visceral reaction, painful to take part in. I wanted to smuggle them out into the wild and set them free! But books are notoriously slow runners, and were sure to be recaptured. It would have been a cruel tease, then, to have made the attempt.

My only solace lies in the knowledge that the books are being recycled.

Cold comfort, though.

Christmas Crafts

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Did Santa bring you what you were hoping for? If not, may the New Year send it your way. I know that you deserve it!

Hyde requested photos of the projects I was working on. Here's a photo of many of the materials I used to create my Christmas presents, followed by some of the results. Pay attention to the round cardboard container in the first photo. I love the way it turned out (2nd pic); I made it for my MIL.

Creating for Christmas

Our families have both agreed that we want to keep Christmas simple this year, no big gifts. To that end, I'm making all of my presents and cards this year. Today I made 2 bars of soaps, 2 cards and 2 bookmarks. Apparently, it was a day of 2s. I have more cards to make, some jewelry, a treasure box and a wooden tray to paint (box)/stain (tray) and decoupage.

Hopefully, that's that then.

Also, I've received all of my grades for the semester, and my 4.0 remains intact.

That's gift enough for me.

Scary

There's a darker side to those stories, as I've discovered today. I find myself worried about a stranger...

Someone ordered several books on manipulating and modifying the behavior of someone else with the goal of getting them to do what the reader wants; there were 3 or 4 of those. In the same order, there were several sex books, XXX sort of stuff.

Who is to be the recipient of all of this attention?

It gives me the creeps.

I've decided to give myself the weekend off, simply because I can. I only have to work 4 hours at the beginning of the day on Monday, and then I have the rest of Christmas off from both places. It's time to kick back and let that Christmas spirit sink in. The real Christmas spirit, not the homicidal mania that overtakes people at this time of year in the name of Christmas as they try to get their last-minute shopping completed.

A Memory of Warmer Days

Click on photo for larger image

Stories Behind the Stories

It's ironic: I work in a bookstore, and I have nothing to read.

I thought I had a book waiting to be read, but it's been so long since I had time to read for pleasure that it turns out that I have already read the book that I was looking forward to reading! Which also says something about the book, if you think about it. I didn't remember reading it until I opened it to read it. Forgettable. But now I have nothing to read!

My job is proving to be fascinating in unexpected ways. Some orders are just orders, but others... they tell a story. Somewhere out there, a man is suffering from a condition which has caused the curvature of a certain body part that he would prefer wasn't curved, and is pursuing both traditional and non-traditional methods of treating it. It isn't stopping him from enjoying various erotic books of photographs, and good for him I say.

Then there's the person who, during this Christmas buying season, bought no less than 5 books promoting atheism and "debunking" Jesus and the bible. I would like to see the faces of the recipients of those Christmas gifts on Christmas day! *G*

There were a couple of orders that left me feeling a little sad. Someone is taking care of an elderly parent and trying to come to terms with the inevitable. Someone else is terminally ill- they bought a medical book, another book about accepting death with grace, and a huge book of puzzles, perhaps to pass the time.

And I must say that the number of quilters in the world is positively staggering.

It's almost as interesting to read the story behind the books, as it is to read the books themselves.

Done!

That checklist in my last post? I worked on that from 11 A.M. until 6:30 A.M., when I got ready to go to my new job. I went in for a couple of hours, learned the basics, and then had to leave to go to work at the gas station. Worked until 2. Came home, and studied for my algebra test for the first and last time. Took the test. Turned in my Software Apps portfolio, followed by Psych finals. Didn't get home until after 10:30 P.M. Tried to study for Human Services exam, but kept dozing off. Went to bed around 12:30 A.M. Got up at 7, got ready for work. Got stuck in my icy driveway, had to have Randy come home to get me out. Went to work for 2 hours, then left because I had to go take my final in Human Services. I took the exam, then went back to work until 7.

I am now a free woman. Exhausted, but with time to call my own once more.

My algebra professor has already posted our grades for the semester- he's having back surgery on Friday and wanted to make sure that we were taken care of first. He's just that cool, and I'm sad that he won't be teaching my next math class, but his health won't allow it.

And yes, I did well. :0)

Andrew had court yesterday morning, but his case was continued so there's nothing new to report on that.

As for my new job, I like it so far. Well, what's not to like? A person who loves to read surrounded by shelf after shelf of books... it's a dream come true! I'm going to have to be careful not to spend my paycheck on all of the wondrous things I'm finding there. The work itself isn't exciting. I clock in, grab a cart and the order slips, then pull the requested books. Once I've finished filling them, I turn in that cart and grab another. And so it goes. As monotonous as it sounds- and it probably is- I like it. I know a lot of people who work there, so it's comfortable already. Originally, I had requested to work a minimum of 20 hrs. a week, but once I considered the fact that I'm still going to be working at the gas station and, once winter break is over, I'll be in school full-time again, I realized that 20 hours is too much. I dropped to the minimum requirement of 15 hours. I can work as many hours as I want over and above that, but am not required to do so if I can't.

Physically, it's so-so. I'm ok at first, but as time goes on my wrist starts to hurt and my left arm gets really tired from carrying heavy loads of books. I try to switch from carrying them on my left, but it's awkward to carry them with my right while juggling the order list and pulling more books. As I continue to work, though, the left arm will grow stronger and won't be a problem. The wrist will always be a problem, but I'm used to that. So far, it's worth it.

To sum up a very long post, the last couple of days have been busy and exhausting, but also productive and satisfying.

Oh, and my boss at the gas station gave me a Christmas card with $100.00 in it, and the woman I was taking notes for gave me a candle for Christmas, and a card with $20 in it. The latter bothers me because I know she can't afford it; she's a foster mother who's barely getting by, working odd jobs. If I had opened the card before I left (we were getting ready to take an exam, so I didn't) I would have tried to give it back to her. Now it's just awkward, and I don't know how to give it back without offending her. But I hate taking her money!

And I have yet to begin to think about Christmas. The only sign of the holiday in my house is the wreath my mother hung while I was at work one day, and the cards which have begun to arrive. I'm feeling exceedingly guilty because I haven't sent any out yet, but I've barely slept the past couple of weeks let alone gone shopping. Over the next few days I have to catch up with Christmas, my family and my friends.

I'm morphing back into a human again.

Well I'm a Steamroller Baby

Still To Do:

* Powerpoint Presentation (Software Portfolio- Word, Excel and Access portions completed)

* Article Summary and Review (Psych)

* Crossword (Psych)

* Study for Algebra, Psych and Human Services

The Powerpoint can wait until Monday night if necessary- the portfolio is due Tuesday- but I'd rather not wait if I don't have to. The crossword will only take about 30 minutes to create. The summary/review will take a couple of hours. The studying?

Well, that's going to take a bit longer.

The school emailed everyone to say that in case of inclement weather, my exams would be moved to the end of the week. On one hand, that would be very, very bad: I'm scheduled to work at the gas station, and I already had to ask for Tuesday off to accommodate my final exam schedule. On the other hand, it would be nice if I had to reschedule; it would give me more time to study.

Still, all in all, I'd rather just take them and get it over with.

Magic Boots

At this time of year, something comes over me. I eschew heavy coats whenever possible in favor of long-sleeved t-shirts worn under sweaters or pull-overs.

I become a Hardy New Englander.

I don't know why that is. Throw some sturdy winter boots on my feet and I start to strut and swagger, ready to chop down a tree or to take on the next bear that wanders my way. Don't tick me off, 'cuz I'm ready to do some ass-whoopin', my hands loosely fisted at my sides.

Show me a mountain- I'll climb it.

Show me a pack- I'll shoulder it.

Show me a computer and tell me to create yet another spreadsheet or database, I'll run howling into the night in the opposite direction.

There are some things that even Hardy New Englanders and their Magic Boots simply can't conquer.

Blanketed

It snowed today, all peaceful and white. Winter has arrived, a real winter, not the dismal brown nothingness of last December. Cars cautiously crept by outside and I know that those drivers were cursing the road conditions, asking themselves why they haven’t moved to Florida yet, or perhaps Arizona; they wish to be somewhere warm.

Not me.

I sat here cozily, cup of tea at hand and two sleeping cats at my side, watching the falling snow. I'd like to go for a walk in the woods, letting the flakes collect on cheeks and eyelashes, listening to the soft sibilance of the river nearby, its gentle music the backdrop of my meanderings.

Click for larger image

Final Push

Over the next few days I have to put together the portfolio for my software class. I need to create 3-5 Word pages, an Excel spreadsheet, a Powerpoint presentation and an Access database. There are, of course, required and suggested elements for each. I have just about finished the Word portion, and I don't think the PP part will be difficult. The plan is to just keep chipping away at this stuff a little each day. In addition to the software assignment, I have to study for the math exam and an essay to write for the take-home portion of my Psych of Adjustment final. I also have to create a game on my assigned chapter. We were each assigned a chapter and told to create any kind of game we like based around our chapter. The in-class portion of the final will be to play each others' games. I'm doing a crossword, which should only take about 30 minutes; I have the (free) software for it already. But I fell behind in my reading, and I have to go back and make sure that I have it all down. My classmates and I have made a pact to keep the games pretty easy, at least. *G*

This is it.

The semester is almost finished.

Almost.

Picking Books, Not My Nose

Here, at last, is some hopeful news:

I got the job I went after.

I start work at a local bookseller's^* on Monday. It's not the sort of bookstore you would walk into and shop in; it's a catalog/mail order store. People can request a catalog in the mail, and select the books they want from it; we sell books from every genre. Customers place the orders, and my store sends them out. My job will be to fill them. Basically, I'm given a list of people's orders. I pull the books off the shelf and send them on to be packed and shipped.

The hours are completely flexible. Completely. I could choose the minimum number of hours I'll work a week (I chose 20), but I can work as many hours on top of that as I like. If 20 hours is too much, I can change my minimum to 15, but that's as low as I'm allowed to go. I can come and go as I please; I just have to make sure I clock in and out. So I can go in for a couple of hours Monday morning, clock out, go to work at the gas station (or go to school, whatever) for a couple of hours as scheduled, then go back to the bookstore for a couple more hours after. If I don't want to work one day, I don't have to. I just have to make sure I meet the minimum hours I set for myself for the week.

Pretty cool, eh?

It pays almost as well as the gas station, so I should be fine. I also get 1/3 off of the purchase price of any book I want to buy. Sweet.

There's no paid sick leave or vacation, but I don't have that now anyway. We get all of the major holidays off, so there's no problem there. I have excellent health insurance through Randy, so that's not an issue. We're not supposed to talk while we work, which some of you might think was a downside; I know a lot of people around here see it that way. But honestly, it seems like a blessing to me. I'm forever having to talk to people, be pleasant when I don't really feel like it; this will be a welcome break from that. The biggest problem for me is that it's going to involve heavier lifting, etc., than my wrist can probably take. I'm going to be in pain. I think, though, that this would be the case in any job around here that I applied for. It's inevitable, and part of what drove me back to school: I need a career which I can physically do. For now, I'll do what I have to do to pay my bills and put myself through college without burdening my husband. He would work himself into the ground if he thought it would help me, and I can't let him do that. Anyway...

I finally caught up with my boss at the gas station and told her that I applied (and then today, that I was hired) at the bookstore. She seemed genuinely surprised. I've come to realize that she never really thought through the whole hire-my-daughter-cut-employee's-hours thing. She was startled that I was barely getting by before she cut my hours (I don't know why this was so surprising, but it was) and that I found myself needing to find a second job. She's obviously worried that I'll quit the gas station and only work at the bookstore. That's not my plan, however. Despite my anger over the recent events, I like this woman and her family. My husband has known them forever, so it's important to me to maintain friendly relations with her. I just don't think she always thinks things through beyond the immediate. Besides, I get to see people there while I'm working who I rarely (if ever) come across elsewhere. So I told my boss I would continue to work for her when she needs me to fill in; I'm not leaving. But I have to take care of myself and my husband- he was talking about picking up even more hours... he already works around 65 hrs./week! I've taken the job at the bookstore, and then she can cut my hours all she wants, but we'll be ok.

I'll be ok.

Thanks to you all for your support- it means a lot!

^* I don't want to list the name here- I don't want my blog discovered by a google search. If you're interested, let me know and I'll email it to you.

You Are Getting Very Sleepy

The sound of her purr is as soporific as rain on a window.

The End is in Sight

My boss is such a chicken. She continues to duck me, leaving me notes instead, usually about things which she wants me to do that I've already done, or saying I didn't do something that I did. I think she feels guilty and is trying to find fault with me to make herself feel better. She was supposed to come in to relieve me at 3:30 today, but sent her daughter to work instead.

See? Chicken.

I'm trying not to stew too much. When I feel my thoughts churning, I stop to take a deep breath or two. I can't change her, or my situation there. So I'm taking steps to take care of myself: watching stress levels for the sake of my heart, going to meetings and sharing with friends. I've also got a line on something which would be ideal if I can get it, but it isn't at all certain so I don't want to discuss it too much yet. Suffice it to say that I'm taking care of the things that are within my control, and trying to let go of the things which aren't.

I've just finished creating a couple of databases for my software class. That should be it, other than putting together a portfolio of samples of my work (other than assignments done for class), due in a couple of weeks. I have one last algebra test on Monday (scientific notation and quadratic equations) and then... finals! I'm not really worried about those, at least not yet. To me they are just the final hurdle before the most blessed event:

Winter Break.

I think I'll go sit in front of the fire and let my mind shut down so I can get some sleep.

'night.

Peaks and Valleys

There's some good news: his parole officer has told him that she won't write up the violation; he still has to deal with the prosecutor, but his probation status is fine. He has a good lawyer. The PO says that based on her experience, Andrew should expect to have community service tacked on. However, once he's completed that, it will no longer appear on his record. He won't have to list this arrest on a job application, for example. We still don't know what this will mean regarding getting the old record expunged, and I'm not holding my breath at this point. However, the fact that he probably isn't going to get sent back to prison is a tremendous burden lifted. He has court on the 17^th, and I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for the prayers and well-wishes; it seems to be working!

I, on the other hand, have a new problem.

My boss' daughter just moved up here with her family. My boss hired her daughter and even had me training her. When I went in to work tonight and looked at the schedule for the month (she hadn't posted it yet before) I saw that she gave almost all of my hours to her daughter! I was just barely getting by before she cut my hours, but this is untenable. There's no way I can live off of the time she's giving me. One week she only gave me a total of 6 hours, for crying out loud! I can't do this, and it royally sucks. I don't need this now.

What has me really pissed off is that she had to have known that she was going to do this for some time now, but she never said a word. She didn't tell me her daughter was moving here, though the other ladies who work at the store knew. She didn't post the schedule while I was around, and never discussed a need to cut my hours. This hit me out of the blue.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't know. I'm back where I was over the summer when I had the financial rug ripped out from under me then. I've just registered and paid for school, my schedule is cast in stone. Now I have to try to find another job which I can physically do, which will work with my school schedule and either pay me enough or give me enough hours so that I can at the very least pay my bills.

I'm excruciatingly tired.

Shattered

I'm devastated.

My brother has been working so hard to turn his life around. He's been going to school, doing community service, has a wonderful girlfriend with whom he's discussed the possibility of marriage; her family has warmed up to him and have been trying to help him out. He hasn't been able to find work because this is a small town area, and everyone knows who he is. Instead, he's taken on odd jobs and was beginning to make a little money. If you aren't sure what I'm talking about, you can read it here.

A car was pulled over across the road from my house tonight. There were 2 State Trooper vehicles, and even a 3rd one swung by, but didn't stay. Randy and I didn't recognize the vehicle, and for the most part ignored what was going on, other than to see if they were still out there. A tow truck came and took the car away.

About 30 minutes later, I got a call. My brother had been arrested with 2 of his friends. They were the ones across the road.

It was his friend T___'s car, and T was driving. Andrew and another friend were in the car. They were pulled over because the license plate wasn't properly illuminated. The officers chose to search the car- T has also been in trouble in the past- and discovered that T had some weed in his car. All 3 guys were arrested, and Andrew's been charged with a misdemeanor, the smallest charge there is for possession or whatever, because though the drugs weren't his, he was in the vehicle. This is standard procedure, nothing surprising.

But Drew was just about to finish his last year of probation, and just shy of completing it, this violates it. They were in the process of considering expunging his record because he has done so well, and he was so young when charged with that crime all those years ago.

That's not going to happen now. So his dream of becoming a nurse has just been flushed down the toilet- he can never go into the health care professions now; you can't have a felony on your record.

He called me, too terrified to call mom, and I bailed him out. He was sobbing so hard he couldn't breathe. Everything he's worked for, gone. I picked him up, brought him home, and then I woke mom up and broke the news to her. I stayed with him for moral support. His relationship with dad has been strained for years, but they were finally getting along, enjoying each other's company and really bonding. Dad was finally trusting my brother again- Drew acted out a lot after Drew was released from prison when he was 16- and this is going to tear their relationship apart once more.

I can't express how painful it is to see someone you love so much lose everything they've worked for, to be with that person the moment they realize that what they've dreamed of and worked for is never going to happen, no matter what they do or how hard they try. I'm so scared for him.

I know I'm going to have to listen to people gossip about it while I'm at work tonight as well. Nobody knows that he's my brother, and I've overheard people putting him down before for his past conviction. This is going to set those people off again, and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain quiet. People do love to viciously gossip about things they know nothing about as though they have the inside scoop. I might very well blow; I know I won't keep silent at any rate. The best I can hope for is to remain civil as I say what I have to say.

I love my brother so very much. I wish I could help him. I wish there was something I could do. All I can do is pray, and trust that everything is for a reason; he has another purpose. That's what I tell myself when things don't go my way, but I have to admit that I find it harder to have faith that things will work out when it's for someone I love, rather than just for myself.

If you have any prayers or good thoughts to spare, he sure could use them. I'm so worried for him, in so many ways.

Ambiguous

Someone called the store tonight, but I think they were on their cell phone. Even when the phone wasn't crackling- and clear signal was rare- I could barely hear the man at all, let alone what he was saying. I just caught a word here, a word there. I kept asking him to repeat himself and I could tell he was getting annoyed. I eventually gave up asking him to clarify; it wasn't helping anyway. But I gathered that what he was saying was going to be important to those who were working tomorrow. So I actually had to write a note which read in part:

Someone is going to be in sometime to do something.

Helpful, eh?

Why I Love College

After one classmate gave their presentation on Michael Jackson, another said:

"Wait... you mean Michael Jackson invented the Moonwalk?"

(upon confirmation, her mind blown that the Moonwalk hasn't been around since oh, say, Marie Antoinette perfected it...)

"So what did you people do before the Moonwalk?"

er, the Hustle?

"That's a dance?"

I love school. *G*

Presenting Madonna

I'm taking a break from preparing my speech on Madonna (Ciccone) for my Psych of Adjustment Group Project Part 2.

I should be stressing. My partner and I haven't rehearsed at all, let alone together. I've spent great portions of the weekend creating the outline for us to work from. My partner asked me to split up the parts we'll each cover, which I did. I haven't heard back from him yet as to how he feels about the sections I assigned to him; he wasn't going to have access to the files until late tonight, and I have to work all day tomorrow before school. I figure: he asked for it, I gave it to him. I divided it up equally; I'm just not sure which sections he was more interested in covering.

Oh. Well.

I've also bought cookies, and I've written trivia questions on them with frosting. I'll hand them out at the beginning of class, along with a sheet which has all of the questions on them. The answers are on the back side of the sheet. I'll challenge them to find the answers in our speech, rather than flipping them over. It's a tiny class- I'll know who cheated! *G*

Anyway, I'm not nearly as prepared as I would like to be before giving a speech. I don't think my partner has taken Public Speaking yet, and doesn't really know how to do this. But he's personable and knows the information. I'll just have faith and let it go. Though we're presenting jointly, we're graded separately. He's made a detailed collage including photos that I know I've never seen, such as some from her childhood. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turned out!

So, we're prepared in some ways and not at all in others. I should be frantically trying to pull myself together, note cards, etc. But I just can't seem to summon the energy to stress. At this point I'm thinking ... "Whatever. It'll work out." I know that this will cause me to freak out tomorrow during the time leading up to the presentation. But even that can't motivate me into stressing about it now.

Nope. Not feeling it.

I don't think it matters too much, anyway. Our professor is so mellow and easy-going. She wants her students to do well, and dwells more on the positive than the negative. She'll note where we went wrong, but she's generous. We know the material, and we'll be fine.

Last big project, then just final exams for 3 classes, and creation of a portfolio for my computer class. Last day of school: December 18. Then Winter Break.

Hurray!

By Firelight

Life can be such a beautiful thing

Curled up on the sofa in front of the fire, its light the only illumination, shadows dancing on the ceiling. A glass candle gilded with the golden orange of the flames behind it, a soft, gingery cat purring nearby, a loved one even closer.

All is warmth and contentment.