A Little Concerned

Today I put my 16-yr.-old sister on a bus bound for JFK, where she and her fellow travel club members will be catching a flight to Heathrow. Actually, her plane should have left by now and, as we haven't heard from her, the trip probably wasn't canceled.

I tend toward the belief that, given the events in London and Glasgow, security will be heightened and she'll actually be safer there just now. Mom, on the other hand, is less sanguine and half-hoped that the trip would be called off once the news of Glasgow reached the travelers; the story hadn't broken yet when they left for the airport.

Over the next couple of weeks, Ashley will be touring England and France. Those of my friends across The Pond, please send my sister a mental welcome if you'd be so kind. :0)

I hope she has a great time, even though I'm a little green with envy.

My Academy Award Speech

Here's a transcript of my speech. Of course, you lose out by not actually seeing my performance- I hammed it up- but you can use your imagination. I even went so far as to buy a cheap action figure and wrapped it in gold wrap to look like an Oscar, and at the end I slipped on a pair of sunglasses, struck a pose and waved my hands in the air as I said "Goodnight everyone!"

Speech:

(began with picking up "Oscar" and commenting on how much lighter it was than I expected, and wondered if it was real. Then...)

I would like to thank the Academy for finally acknowledging my prodigious talent as

- an actress
- director
- producer
- screenwriter
- art director
- and costume designer

This honor is long overdue, but as the day has finally arrived, all is forgiven.

It is customary, I believe, to thank family and friends for their love and support along the way. I'm not going to do that, and frankly I think it's very selfish of them to expect it.

This is my moment!

(this was said while brandishing the Oscar like a weapon, waving it at the crowd)

As for the fans, when they form a fan club for me to ignore, I'll thank them. Until then, nothing.

Then there are the "little people" who work behind the scenes to make me look good. As far as I'm concerned, they work behind the scenes, so they can just stay there.

(break from speech for a moment to yell at the conductor in the orchestra pit, telling him to put down the baton and forget about playing me offstage; I'm not leaving until I've said what I came to say! Then composing myself, smoothing my hair and taking a deep breath to continue with...)

Finally, I would like to thank my mentors, and all of those who guided me along the way. I hope you weren't too bruised and scratched up as I climbed over you to the top. I would acknowledge you personally, but with the current defamation lawsuit pending, my lawyer has advised me not to. But you know who you are.

Now, let's get on with the night's festivities.

But remember, Mr. President of the Academy, if my movie- All About Me- doesn't win Best Picture tonight, I will turn over that footage from the Nanny Cam, and testify on your wife's behalf during the divorce proceedings.

Have a great night!

It's Debatable

I think I'm ready. I've done my research, I've written my outline and I've rehearsed until I'm completely hoarse. All I want to do right now is take a nap, but I have to leave shortly, so that's out of the question. The class will be running almost an hour late tonight because of our decision to cram all 3 debates into one class period, but then tomorrow will be brief.

I've been so busy working on this debate that I've barely given my final a thought. It'll be easy though, so I'll write it tomorrow.

I can smell freedom, I really can!

Much Better

Before the paint job:

After the paint job:

Having to repaint the house wound up being a blessing in disguise; I like this much better! It was overcast when I took this, and the green is a little softer than it appears here. The trim across the top of the house needs to be done, as does the cupola on the roof. I'll probably do those myself next week. I came to the end of my painting budget, and have to take over the rest. My brother will help me paint the back of the house- he works a lot cheaper than a professional! But he worked as one, so I still get the quality without the price tag.

Alrighty then, I'm off to take a quick nap before my meeting tonight. Today is one of those days which epitomizes "hot, hazy and humid." I also have to work on my part of the debate for tomorrow night's class. I'm presenting the argument that electronic voting machines aren't accessible enough for people with disabilities, the elderly (intimidated by computers), with literacy issues or who are abroad in the military (internet lines not secure enough). It's what I was assigned. But, as you could probably tell from what I just wrote, I was able to get the group to agree to switch from the optical-scan voting machine debate, to the electronic voting machine, without much trouble. That just makes my life so much easier.

Theirs, too. :0)

Almost Done

Tonight is the last night for our group to research our debate topic. We had decided to debate the use of optical-scan voting machines, but there simply isn't enough data yet. There are lots of supporters, and some detractors. But the machines haven't been used enough yet to know if the concerns have been properly addressed, or to discover if there are other issues which need to be attended to. Having emailed and discussed the problem with some group members both Pro and Con, several of us would rather debate the use of electronic voting machines instead; there's far more data. Keep your fingers crossed that the rest of the group agrees. With all of the information out there, it should be easier for both sides. We didn't get a lot accomplished during yesterday's allotted research period (yesterday was the first day provided for research), so we haven't really lost any time. I had already found and shared a non-partisan website which lists the pros and cons of electronic voting machines, which would at the very least give both sides a strong jumping-off place. It provides arguments and documentation of sources, etc. and gives the researcher an idea of how credible a source is through use of a 5-star system. If we can switch the focus of our debate, this would be incredibly helpful.

Our grade will not be based on which team wins the debate, or performs more strongly as a whole. Instead, we are graded incividually based on each individual's presentation of our argument. But the class will be informally deciding which side won, and that appeals to my competitive nature. Be that as it may, both sides have agreed to share information in order to give a stronger presentation. We all just want a good grade, and are willing to help each other in order to get it.

Our final, which will be held on Friday night (silly time, since it isn't a regular meeting time for the class, but that's academic bureaucracy for you), and our final speech is to be a 2-3 minute Special Occasion speech. I've decided to make mine an Academy Award acceptance speech, very tongue-in-cheek. I'll thank the Academy for finally recognizing my talent as an actress, director, producer, screenwriter, artistic director and costume designer. This honor is long past-due, etc. I would thank the little people, but let's be real. They work behind the scenes to make me look good, so let's just leave them there, shall we?

You get the idea.

So that's what I'll be busy with the next couple of days, but I'll be checking in as I'm able. Wish me luck!

Calling All Photographers

Whether you're an amateur or a professional, there's an interesting photo contest gearing up with some really great prizes, such a an 11-day trip to the Greenland polar ice caps, and more.

The amateur and professional entries are judged separately, so it's a fair competition.

Just thought some of you might like to know. :0)

Yes, I'm a Sadist

I know I've said this before, but bad things happen to me when I garden. This evening I started to weed, feeling a need to establish the spiritual connection which usually comes to me outdoors. It started off well enough, and I felt peace flowing through me.

But then I moved to the older, more established flower bed, the one in which weeds have had decades to make themselves at home. No matter how much I weed, yanking things out by the roots, they just scoff at me and I know that as soon as my back is turned, they will come back to taunt me with their superior endurance. As I thought about the never-ending chore, a song took up residence and became one of the most pernicious of earworms. It truly was adding insult to injury and I became resentful of the weeds, and the song, and the combination of the two.

What was the song?

Some of you may remember Sherri Lewis and her puppet, Lamb Chop. She had a children's show for many years, and she ended each show with that horrible song:

This is the song that never ends
Yes it goes on and on my friends.
Some people started singing it
Not know what it was
And now we'll go on singing it forever
Just because...

This is the song that never ends...

Yes, I did have to do that to you; misery loves company. Now run along and share it with others.

Because misery loves company.

Lapse into Senility

I had something really funny to share, but I forgot what it was.

I'm Not Really Suzy Homemaker, Part Two

A quick overview of common kitchen ingredients that can be used as cleaners, and what they're good for; Part One gave recipes for some of the cleaners to be made from these ingredients. Yes, I'm aware that I did this a bit backwards, but I had to get up early this morning, so I'm altogether backwards today anyway.

These lists are just some of the things they can be used for, and are not comprehensive:

Distilled White Vinegar

- cleans and disinfects every surface in your house, except marble
- fabric softener
- stain remover
- dissolves mineral deposits
- removes traces of soap and mildew, and removes wax build-up
- cleans glass and windows

Baking Soda

- scrubs shiny surfaces without scratching them
- unclogs and cleans drains (when used with vinegar and hot water, as per Part One)
- extinguishes grease fires
- removes some stains
- deodorizes refrigerators, carpets and upholstery
- cleans and polishes aluminum, chrome, jewelry, plastic, porcelain, silver, stainless steel, copper and tin

Lemon Juice

- odor-eater
- cleans glass and windows (with water, and with or without vinegar)
- removes stains from aluminum, copper, clothing, porcelain, and especially Formica
- has mild bleaching properties
- 1/2 lemon squeezed into the wash cycle removes odors, if the baking soda isn't enough.

Table Salt

- cleans copper when combined with lemon juice
- cleans brass when combined with vinegar

it acts as a mild abrasive which, like baking soda, won't scratch the surface you're cleaning.

I'm Really Not Suzy Homemaker, but... Part One

As a follow-up to yesterday's extended entry, here are some home recipes for making your own cleaners from items found in the kitchen. I've placed them in the extended entry for those who care to look.

P.S. When you click on the extended entry, you'll have to scroll down past the Part Two entry. For some reason the blog is grouping them together, since they were posted on the same day. But since the info all goes together anyway, it works.

From Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook with some commentary by moi

-- All-Purpose Cleaner: Mix 2 cups water with 2 tbsp mild dishwashing liquid in a spray bottle. This also works well for removing greasy fingerprints, in case you have children or have committed a crime.

-- Bathroom Cleanser: Mix mild dishwashing liquid with baking soda until you have a thick paste. This makes a mild abrasive cleaner which won't scratch your surfaces, even shiny ones. This is especially good for cleaning around drains. (Neat tip- in a pinch, toothpaste can also be used as a mildly abrasive cleaner. You know, for those moments when you realize that guests are about to arrive and you've forgotten to clean the sink, but you ran out of baking soda and you don't have time to run to the store. Or at least, that's what you can tell your guests if they go in to use your bathroom and see toothpaste in the sink! *G*)

-- Faucets: To remove mineral deposits, soak a paper towel in distilled white vinegar and wrap it around the faucet, leaving it overnight. (You can also soak shower heads in the vinegar, or in lemon juice, to remove the mineral deposits rather than using CLR or Lime Away. I did, and it worked perfectly)

-- Window and Mirror Cleaner: Mix 1 part distilled white vinegar with 1 part water in a spray bottle, and go to it. You can also use this combination to mop your floors, even hardwood if it has been polyurethaned. But in the case of wood floors, you shouldn't mop them with this solution every day, or it will strip the coating off. As if you were going to mop every day. You weren't were you? A quick damp or dry mop should be sufficient in between more thorough cleanings. I'm just saying. Which is actually more than I do. But just in case...

-- Oven Cleaner: Make a paste consisting of 3 parts warm water to 1 part baking soda. Apply thickly, especially to areas which are more heavily soiled. Leave overnight, and wipe clean in the morning. Much better than that nasty, horrible toxic chemical smell of commercial oven cleaners! Unless of course you like that sort of thing, or are trying to get rid of unwanted visitors. Or a spouse.

From Deirdre Imus' book, Green This! Greening Your Cleaning

-- Fabric Softener: You can either add 1 tbsp vinegar to your rinse cycle, or 1/4 cup baking soda to your wash cycle. ( I use the baking soda formula, and it works so well that Randy didn't know I had switched until I told him.)

-- Unclogging Drains: if plunging doesn't work, don't try the usual commercial drain openers. If you do, you can't use the recipe I'm about to give you because the vinegar, when mixed with those chemicals, can create a toxic gas that you don't want to breathe. So try this instead: pour boiling water, 1/2 cup vinegar, and 4 tablespoons of baking soda down the drain, covering the drain for about 30 minutes afterwards. Then rinse. If you do this once a week regardless of blockage, your drains should remain unclogged and smelling clean.

-- Air Fresheners/Essential Oils: the air fresheners we buy now are chemically based, and the fragrances are artificial. Instead, why not buy essential oils from a health food store, or online? There are many scents to choose from- clove, pine, oregano, cinnamon, lemon, lavendar, and so very many more. They can be diffused hot or cold, though cold lasts longer. Try soaking a cotton ball in the oil of your choice, and then placing it in your home or car air vents to circulate the smell. Or you can mix an essential oil with water in a spray bottle, shake well and then mist the air, your furniture or your carpets, as you would with other air or fabric fresheners. Many essential oils are naturally anti-microbial, anti-bacterial. They can be added to your homemade cleaners to give them a nice scent if you don't care for the vinegary smell. They may cost around $4/bottle (that's what I've seen so far, though there may be some less expensive) but if you're only buying a couple of different scents, you're still coming in way under the amount you would have spent on cleaning products overall, while safeguarding your health and the environment.

I really love this book. It's filled with great information, and so many more tips and tricks for cleaning your home and laundering your clothes. If you are at all inclined to switching your method of cleaning, please consider buying this book. 100% of the proceeds go to her charity, so no matter what, the money isn't wasted.

But if you just can't afford the book and you want to go green- which is probably the case :0) - you can find lots of great tips and tricks at:

Clean and Green

or

Natural Healthy Home Cleaning Tips

or you can just google natural green products and see what other sites and suggestions are out there.

Green and Greener

I have worked out the paint situation. I can paint the bay windows white so that all of the windows on my house will be a uniform color. This is good. I'll have to repaint the house; as I said, I don't like the look of the white with this shade of brown. But it will cost the same as it would have to have left the house color and painted the white windows another color as originally planned, so that's not such a big deal. The upshot is that I'm painting the house a darker green color, and the windows and trim will be white. I have to get up early tomorrow morning to go to the hardware store with the painter to buy the stuff, and he'll start work right away.

This is also good.

I got through my speech tonight, the one on green cleaning. Earlier today I went to a large chain grocery store with a list of cleaners found in the typical household, and another of the things needed for "green" cleaning. I wanted to investigate the cost differences. It is commonly thought that buying eco-friendly products is more expensive. If you simply look at a laundry detergents side by side, for example, you'll see that Cheer brand (fragrance free in order to be more comparable) only costs $7.69. Sun and Earth Laundry Detergent, on the other hand, costs $8.39. You'll see this with other product comparisons as well, so it's natural (no pun intended) to think that going green is just too expensive.

However when you take into consideration that most households contain a different cleaner for every room or situation, versus the universal cleaning properties of vinegar (can clean any surface except marble) and baking soda (cleans just about everything else), you'll find that green cleaning is actually a lot cheaper. When I did a break-down of the expenses, the total for our usual cleaning products cost $59.59. Going green only cost $30.34.

I would save almost $30 dollars if I opted for natural, green cleaning alternatives!

So no more excuses people. It's eco-friendly. It's healthy, non-toxic. And it's cheaper!

Update

J asked a good question, so I've decided to share more information about green cleaning in an extended entry...

First of all, about vinegar-

My research turned up the fact that a 5% solution of vinegar kills 99% of bacteria, 82% of mold and 80% of viruses! I found this info at Natural Healthy Home Cleaning Tips, which also has a lot of great recipes for home cleaning to get you started.

Mix one part vinegar to one part water, and you can start cleaning.

(all of the following info came from Deirdre Imus' book, Green This! Greening Your Cleaning. 100% of the profits go to supporting The Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer. You can learn more, or help support their efforts, here)

The chemical-based cleaners we use are toxic to the environment: they are non-biodegradable, releasing methane by-products into the air as it degrades anaerobically. This contributes to greenhouse gases.

Many of our common cleaners may contain dangerous toxins: Neurotoxins (affects brain and nervous system), carcinogens, mutagens (cause perm. damage to cells), endocrine disruptors (affects immune and reproductive systems) or teratogens (affecting fetal development) may be found in furniture polish, dishwashing liquids, oven cleaners, glass cleaners, air fresheners, spray starches, spot removers, disinfectants, laundry detergents, all-purpose cleaners and metal polishers. We breathe these things in, or absorb them through our skin. In some cases we ingest them through contact with chemically-cleaned surfaces, followed by handling of food.

Links are being made between the chemicals and various illnesses: asthma, allergies, autism, headaches, and lethargy are just a few of the many health problems related to the chemicals. Children and pets are especially affected due to their size, proximity to the ground (where the heavier gases tend to gather), more rapid breathing and faster metabolisms.

Deirdre Imus is the co-founder and co-director of the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer. Because of the very fragile immune systems of these children, she has completed eliminated the use of synthetic, chemical cleaners in favor of using mostly vinegar, baking powder, lemon juice and essential oils. She has also worked in conjunction with the pediatric oncology dept. at Hackensack University Medical Center, and has helped them eliminate almost all of their dangerous cleaners in favor of the green recipes, with terrific, improved results. Other hospitals have shown interest and are looking into it.

I think I'll end this part here. My next post will contain some simple home recipes for cleaning, if you'd like to give it a try.

Stressed

I can't paint my windows. Despite being told by various people that it was no big deal to paint the exterior trim, it turns out I can't. The bay windows are one color (a light grayish brown) while the rest are white. The house is brown. I think I can have the bay windows painted because they would be going lighter. But then I have to repaint the front and one side of the house (the other side is the log cabin), because I don't like the contrast between the white and the brown; it's too stark for my taste. The good news is that I won't have to pay for 13 windows to be repainted. The bad news is that I'll have to pay to have the 2 bay windows, the front and the side of the house done. I could cry.

This comes at a time when I'm trying to prepare my speech for tomorrow, and gather information for next week's debate.

And my damn coffee spilled onto my lap, onto my light khaki shorts. Well, at least they will be color-coordinated!

As it stands now:

I Did It to Myself

It has gradually dawned on me that when I blend the under-eye concealer- where else?- under my eyes, I use my middle finger.

So if I ever have or ever do annoy you, rest assured that someone out there is giving me the finger.

Even if it's just me.

Tomatoes are Safe for Now

Instead of my tomato argument- which is a totally correct one, btw *G*- I've decided to argue for green cleaning instead. I figure that since I'm being given an opportunity to stand on a soap box, I might as well use it productively.

Just as I relax into the notion of my next speech, we're told that the following week we'll be divided into teams to debate controversial subjects; we'll decide on the topics tomorrow.

I'm going to miss this class and the people in it when in comes to an end on the 29^th, but I will not not miss the stress of the speech itself.

You are probably looking forward to my summer vacation as much as I am at this point. Maybe then I'll write about something else!

Shifting Down, Shifting Up

As I come down from the zizzing, buzzing state I was in during the last speech, it's time to start thinking about my next one, due on Thursday. It's got to be 4.5 to 5.5 minutes long and is supposed to be persuasive. It can be serious or silly, and he gave us certain parameters; we won't be discussing religion or politics, for example. I'm thinking that I'll stump for making tomatoes a controlled substance, only permissible in ketchup or spaghetti sauce form. And black pepper may only be used while cooking the food, not added on after. Sauerkraut would be strictly forbidden, period.

Thankfully, I don't have to give a speech tomorrow. Nope, I just have to finish listening to other people's speeches, kicking back a bit myself. I'm so glad I chose to speak in the first group instead of the second!

What Was I Up To?

What is it that could keep Aravis from blogging? She has always posted like clockwork before, and I don't like her absence; it isn't right!

Hopefully at least some of you were thinking at least some of these thoughts. We all like to think we're missed when we're not around, whether we are or not. Humor me. *G*

Anyway, here is a photo of the projects I worked on for my speech class. I cut these central figures from larger images, resized according to taste, and made them stand on their own. I also made the card somewhat hidden in the background. By themselves these wouldn't seem like they took a lot of time and effort. But I didn't just make what you see here. I had to make models of these things showing the progression of their construction. I also made twenty of the cards, one for each classmate, along with instructional handouts. It should be noted that there were more than enough cards for my class- some students didn't show up- but there weren't any leftover cards returned to me, just some extra handouts. :0) By the time I was finished and also had the outline of my speech to turn in so my professor could follow along (required), I had almost no time to rehearse, which left me feeling very disorganized. While I know my fellow students were impressed, I also know that my professor will have picked up on my flubs, most of which I made in the beginning of my speech while still battling nerves. I will have to agree with what he says, though I may not like it, because in my heart I know it will be true. I know what I did and did not do, and I'm ready for his feedback. It's not like a have a choice really anyway. :0)

For those of you interested, I'll post instructions on how to make the stand-up photo figures in the extended entry. I'll also link to my source book for the project- there are tons of great ideas in there for those who would like to try!

Stand-up Photos
from The New Photo Crafts

You will need:

- a photo with an image you would like to make stand out, on its own. It doesn't have to be a person; it could be a favorite cabin hideaway, a tree, an animal, whatever. The point is that you really like it and want to emphasize it. It doesn't have to be B&W either. Just don't use an original; it's going to be cut up and if you mess up, you don't have another to fall back on. And you won't have the original anymore, either!

- foam board (I used black, but you can use any color you like)

-spray adhesive (and newspaper to lay underneath the image while you spray- this glue is messy!)

- scissors

- an X-Acto knife

- cutting board

- glue gun

Instructions:

Using your scissors, cut the figure out of the photo. Don't try to get in too close to the figure- the X-Acto knife is used for the detail work.

Once the figure has been removed from the rest of the photo, cut a piece of foam board just a little larger than your figure. You can use scissors or the knife, whichever you prefer. You'll find that the board is difficult to cut through, so use whichever comes easiest for you at this point. Once the foam board has been cut, use the spray adhesive on the back of the photo, and then fix it to the foam board. This glue provides good, even adhesive without leaving lumps or soaking through the photo.

When the photo is affixed, place the foam board on the cutting board and take up your knife. Because the board is so tough, you'll probably want to trace the outline of your figure with the knife first, repeating the process as you score deeper each time. Work on small sections at a time, cutting away the bits you don't want; much like cutting large things with scissors, the image is easier to handle this way, without the excess getting in the way. This is the longest and most difficult part of the process, because the durability of the foam makes it time-consuming to cut. Otherwise it's fairly simple.

Once you've managed to adhere the image to the board and cut away the excess, you have a display that will stand out, but it won't stand up on its own yet. Using leftover foam board, cut a piece that is roughly triangular, like the back of a small picture frame. The dimensions will depend largely on the size and shape of the figure you're using. For my sister's image, which stands 8" high, I used a piece which was 7" tall, 3" wide at the bottom and 1.5" at the top. I also angled the cut so that the image leaned back a little for easier viewing, rather than having the image standing perfectly straight up and down. Play around with your image until you find the right size and shape, and then cut the board as needed.

Finally, fix the stand to the back of your figure using a glue gun. Other types of glue won't be sturdy enough to hold it properly.

And then you're done! These make excellent decorative displays for your own personal use, or as centerpieces for a birthday or wedding party, for example. You can dress them up with embellishments- I put a fabric daisy ribbon around my sister's neck in this picture- or leave it be.

One thing to note: when you cut the foam board, the back will peel in places, or you'll find that you want to shave the edges so that they aren't as noticeable from various angles. If you will be putting the image someplace where people can walk around it- for example, on a table- you may want to apply tissue paper in a matching color to the back for a cleaner look.

Have fun!

Out of Orbit

Speech class can turn the sanest of people into manic depressives, I swear. Not that I'm the sanest of people, but you know what I mean.

For the two days leading up to my speech, I barely sleep, if at all. I can't turn my mind off and I tune out of conversations with people while my brain constantly casts about for speech topics and how I want to present them. This last time was the worst, because visual aids were involved. The topic being mine to choose, I went with photo craft projects, but because I'm so enthusiastic about this sort of thing I set out to do too much. I eventually cut out the decoupage box; there simply wouldn't have been enough time. Instead I used a photo cut-out that is free-standing, and a decorative photo card. I'll have pictures for you tomorrow, but for today I'm sick of the sight of them! I forgot to eat today, I was so busy finishing up my projects. Because I couldn't just demonstrate how to make these things. That would be too easy. Nope, I had to go and make decorative photo cards for all of my classmates- about 20- stuffed with handouts that would give them more detailed instructions on how to make these things.

For the two days before my speech, I am absolutely manic.

Once I've given the speech and begin to relax, I crash. I haven't slept for two days and all I want to do is plop down on the sofa, watch recorded programs (I also haven't watched tv for a few days other than the news) and sleep. Oh, and eat. Eating would be a very good thing.

Sorry for not being around, but I'll catch up with you tomorrow when I've crawled out of bed and can make my way online. I'm looking forward to seeing how your world's been turning while I've been spinning off into space!

P.S. My peer reviews were stellar, but I think that had more to do with getting free cards than my presentation; I barely rehearsed this time and I was really disorganized. Freebies go a long way, though, in appeasing critics.

Making Strides

Windows... check.

Tree... check.

Nap... check.

Life is looking up.

I've bought lots of supplies for my class presentation on Thursday. I'm also touching up some photos for a friend I've made in class. Two family photos she needs to use for her presentation are showing up dark on the document projector, which will ruin the point she's trying to make. I volunteered to work on it for her; it shouldn't take long.

Yes, I've made friends in this class, and it feels pretty good. When I get to school early and my classmates are hanging around outside, they ask me to join them. Two of them invited me out for coffee last night after class. I'm fitting in- belonging- just by being myself. No alcohol. Just me being me, and it's enough. It's such a cool feeling. I have a lot of friends in AA, don't get me wrong. And I have more friends, not alcoholics, through my husband. But I think this is the first time in sobriety I've really gone out on my own and deliberately made my own new friends outside of AA. I mean face-to-face. I've made some wonderful friends here online!

I can't believe how much I've been changing, and how those changes have netted such positive results.

A Breath of Fresh Air

The windows are being installed as I type, in fact the workers have nearly finished. They'll have to come back tomorrow to take care of a couple of sills on the outside of the cabin, but that's it. It's pretty amazing really: just 2 guys removing the old windows and putting the new ones in. It's only been three hours and they've already replaced 9 windows out of the 13. Fresh air is pouring through the house- most of the old windows wouldn't open properly, or were missing the screens necessary to keep the cats in. Only the new bay windows were operational. I'm pretty happy. Except that we've had problems opening a couple of the casements on the bay windows, and when one of the workers (they aren't from the same company that installed the bays) saw me having to remove a screen to push on a window, he came over to check it out and informed me that the bay is a little crooked and needs to be leveled. As soon as he pushed up on it from the outside, the window opened nicely. Great. But the guy who installed the bays is coming back soon with a custom piece he had made, so I'll get him to fix them when he comes. Ugh.

In other household news, the house painter is coming over Friday to get instructions on the rest of the house, including trim, so he can finish now that the weather is warmer and the windows are in. And I've just got off the phone with the nursery: my dogwood will be delivered and planted this week, so Sam and Greta's memorial will be in place. I'm sad and happy all at once.

I'm so freaking tired right now. I haven't been sleeping at all well lately, and I had to get up this morning for the workers. Same thing tomorrow. The good news is that my class will be getting out early tonight because the professor had a previous engagement that he couldn't reschedule. Maybe I'll get to bed early tonight. But I doubt it.

Full Plate with a Side of Mouse

Yesterday was busy: my uncle's birthday party, two AA meetings (the second was to support my sponsor when she went to speak in another town) and two newcomers needed help staying away from a drink. It was the sort of busy that feels good, and leaves me peaceful and grateful at the end of the day.

Today is busy: reading for class, another meeting, and lots of cleaning and taking down of curtains, pictures, etc. The men come tomorrow to begin removing the old windows and to install the new ones. They'll finish up on Tuesday. It's kind of funny, the fact that I'm cleaning my house so that workers can come in and mess it up. Is that a woman thing, or just the touch of OCD my mother instilled in me?

Tomorrow is busy: the men are coming over first thing and will be here all day. I have to finish reading a couple of chapters and then go to class. Somewhere in all of the activity I have to get myself to Staples to buy some supplies for a couple of photo projects. My next speech will be on alternative options for photos we like and want to display in an original way, rather than tucking them away in photo albums or scrapbooks. One way to display a central person or thing, for example, would be to make a copy of the photo, cut the person out of the photo and glue to image to some foam board. Cut around the person's image on the foam, and make a triangular stand out of some of the remaining foam board to lean the image on, attaching it to the back with a glue gun. It winds up being something like a 3-D paper doll that you can set on a desk, mantle, piano, etc. Or you could make a few copies (or use other photos) to make dioramas by repeating the process with the various elements in the photo(s). When I make my examples, I'll post them. I'm also going to make a couple of collage-like cards with photo and other materials. I'll make enough for each class member, and inside I'll tuck directions for how to do the things I demonstrated in class. I might try another project as well; it depends on how I'm doing on time. I'll do the Martha Stewart thing and have examples of the projects in progress. I'm not sure when this will be presented; some students will present Thursday, some next Monday. We'll find out tomorrow I think. I would rather go on Thursday just to get it over with.

Ah, well, off to be busy.

Although at the moment I don't want to move. Patches has found a mouse and my feet are firmly tucked up on this chair with the rest of me...

Some Asked, So I'll Answer

Acting comes as naturally to me as breathing; I've done it most of my life. My love of it began when I was cast as The Little Red Hen in The Little Red Hen in kindergarten, and carried me through my first two years of college, during which time I majored in Theater Arts. I attended a prestigious summer program (Center for Creative Youth at Wesleyan University) for the arts when I was in high school (I was a member of Drama Club, of course!), and since I sobered up in '97 I have helped out in a couple of community fund raisers featuring professional stage and screen actors. I once even had the opportunity to work with the director of Cats, but lost it when a third party gave me the wrong dates in which to meet with him. Such is life.

I was usually cast as the female lead, but my favorite roles were the ones which had more depth and character. For example, I loved playing Hecuba in The Trojan Women, an old woman who has seen those she loved killed in the war. I also played Biondello- a man's role- from Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew, and did such a good job the audience didn't know I was a woman until I whipped off my cap during curtain call and my long hair came tumbling down; I got a standing ovation. I used Huck Finn's version of Hamlet's soliloquy as my audition piece to get into CCY. The counselors there told me that I should play Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream, something I've never done but would have liked to. I've also always wanted to play Hedda Gabler (I saw it performed at Hartford Stage one time and it appealed to the tragedian in me), and Masha in Chekhov's The Seagull. I played Nina instead: another leading role, but she was (stupidly) tragic, which made her more interesting to me. The Seagull in a nutshell: Medvedenko is in love with Masha, who's in love with Konstantine, who is in love with Nina, who is in love with Trigorin- a famous writer whose patroness and lover is Aarkadina, mother of Konstantine. This fact doesn't keep him from seducing Nina, then leaving her pregnant, consumptive and finally, insane after the death of their child. She comes back, visits Konstantine, turns down his marriage proposal and runs off into the night. Konstantine kills himself. The End. Chekhov was a cheery fellow, eh?

In addition to acting, I was trained in costume design and construction, and some set creation. I've coached other actors and worked as stage manager.

I lived and breathed the theater.

I don't know precisely what changed, other than that my drinking became more important to me than anything else. I was also engaged at one point to a man who took great delight in throwing my acting in my face, claiming that he didn't believe a word I said because of it. Mind you, he wanted to be an actor and shamelessly used me to coach him even as he put me down for it. It was a physically and mentally abusive relationship, and my gift of acting was twisted into an ugly thing during it; he robbed me of a lot of the joy acting brought me. I've been asked more than once recently if I would ever do it again, but I feel a real resistance to it, stronger than any conflicting desire to try. I'm not really sure what that's about, but it does mean I probably won't be doing it any time soon.

As for stories of my acting days, there are some I can think of, but this post is long enough. Perhaps another time...

Apology and Academics

First, sorry for my absence. A transformer came down and I lost cable, and therefore my internet. By the time it was restored, I had to focus solely on my speech.

I gave said speech tonight, the first one to be graded. On Monday- my first class- we had to give a brief introductory speech. On Tuesday we had to read something- whatever we chose- for two minutes. Today was our first big speech. It had to be informative, and about something we know without needing to do research. Drawing on my years as an actress, I chose to speak about ways in which we can get ourselves to relax and prepare for giving a speech. I talked about choosing your outfit not only for the sake of appearance, but for comfort. By that I mean clothes that, when you put them on, make you feel good about the way you look. You don't want to be standing in front of a group of people, tugging at your clothes and worrying about whether or not they make you look fat. It's distracting for you and quite possibly for your audience. Another thing you can do is listen to music as you drive in; it does wonders for the mood and let's you take a mental break. I spoke about some stretches and vocal exercises such as tongue twisters to improve enunciation.

It went down pretty well, except for my pacing. Every once in awhile I went a little too fast because I had a lot of information to share in a limited amount of time. I knew it as I did it, and it showed up in the peer reviews I received. Other than that, though, my class members really enjoyed my presentation, and some even wrote that it helped them relax before they went up to give their own speeches.

Overall, it was a success. I've made it through my first week of Public Speaking; three more to go. At least I have a few days off before I have to dive back in again.

Oh, and the guys are coming to install the new windows on Monday and Tuesday. Both of which are school days for me, though they will be gone before I have to leave for class. But afterwards I'll have beautiful new energy-efficient windows.

Progress. It all gets chalked up to progress.

Dreaming of You

I dreamed that at long last I was able to travel to England. Once there I made my way to a river where I knew SwissToni and his fiancee, C, were going to be swimming in order to surprise them. Soon enough they came running out of the woods and into the water, glancing at me as they passed with puzzled expressions on their faces. When they surfaced, I laughed and told them who I was. They greeted me and helped me find my hotel in a nearby town. Once settled I realized that though I had money with me, I only had a little over $100 available on my credit card, which would never do. I also remembered that I was supposed to call my mother to let her know that I had arrived safely. The trouble was, I couldn't figure out how to operate British phones. I had to call a certain number to speak with an overseas operator (because I hadn't arranged for international communication on my cell) but the numbers were weird and I couldn't figure them out. C patiently explained to me that the first set of numbers was my birthday, the second was for the tree I will pass on my way to lunch because it had been assigned a coded number, and the rest of the numbers likewise coincided with places or objects with their assigned codes. I grumbled that I couldn't see how I could be expected to know these things having only just arrived, and not having seen these things yet, but C seemed to think I was being a bit simple.

Anyway, I made my call to my mother and arranged for more money on my card, and then ST and C took me to a local pub for lunch. There we met Lord Bargain and Suburban Hen. LB greeted C by the name of "Marguerite," which it seemed she preferred. As we ate lunch I discovered that this was really a luncheon for a local club of people who like to dance- ballet, jazz, freestyle, whatever. I was allowed there because I was ST and Marguerite's guest.

By now it was night and we decided to go to a club which showed videos on the walls, videos which were rather violent, with people being beheaded or sliced up (note: I think this goes down to a video I was watching before bed in which such things happened, but to plant-creatures which just grew back whatever was cut off, unharmed, because it was a children's show). We danced for a bit but then it got to be too much for me and I called it a night.

And woke up.

I just got off the phone with an aunt a little while ago. She called to tell me that the last of my father's estate (he died in 2004) is finally being settled and that some money which had been held in reserve was going to be distributed to me and my other paternal siblings. My share should be somewhere in the neighborhood of $4,000, which will help defray my college expenses. As for my grandfather, his wife is going to hold onto his ashes for a little while in order to say good-bye before she brings them up here (they lived in Mexico), so far from her home, for burial. As it turns out, my father's ashes were never buried, and will probably be buried at the same time. A stone had been ordered for my father and another has just been ordered for my grandfather, so they will probably be interred at the same time.

What a fun day that will be.

Ok, I'm feeling weighed down by depression at the moment, so I think I'll go do something. Like read your blogs and get to work on a speech I have to give tomorrow night.

Later!

The Third Death this Year

As I was getting ready to leave for class tonight, an email popped up. It was from an aunt letting me know that my paternal grandfather died yesterday in Mexico where he was living. I knew he had been taken by ambulance a couple of days ago because he was weak and having difficulty breathing. He had been diagnosed with a faulty heart valve a couple of years ago, and he was a diabetic. He came down with pneumonia and the combination was too much for him.

His last words to his wife were "I'm flying towards the sun."

I'm still processing this. If my feelings towards my father were always ambivalent, my feelings about this grandfather are equally strange. When my mother discovered she was pregnant with me, this grandfather offered to pay for my mother's college education if she would leave the state and either have an abortion or give me up for adoption. My mother never forgave him. I didn't meet him until the mid '90's. By that time he was old and mellower. When he was 80 he married a 30 yr. old Mexican woman; I was 27 at the time. Go Grandfather. They were very happy and loving towards one another though, and I'm glad of that. He wanted to get to know me over the past few years when he was in the States and we had some nice conversations. But I find even now I hold onto old resentments, things I thought I had let go of, but haven't. For example, my aunts keep referring to him as "grandpa," as though that is what I (should have) called him. But I used that name sparingly and grudgingly. "Grandpa" to me will always and forever be my maternal grandfather, the one who died in February. He was always a loving part of my life, supportive of my mother when she found out that she was pregnant with me, even though he was disappointed and couldn't approve of the circumstances. Mom and I never felt anything less than love from her father.

To be fair, my paternal grandfather always treated me with love, and his children have often told me that I'm like him. My mother was the one who had to deal with the younger, uglier side of him. But I have always been angry with him for his treatment of her, moreso because both he and my father tried to deny it. My father might well have not known; it was supposed to be a secret between my grandfather and my mother. When I told my father about it he confronted my grandfather, who denied it, and of course my father believed him. Nothing more was ever said.

So I don't really know how I feel. I know that I do feel sad, and a little regretful that I didn't know him better. But I'm obviously still a bit angry as well. This will dissipate, I know that. I'll let go and find peace.

I went ahead and attended my first class anyway. It's not as though I could just pop over to Mexico to be with him. I could either sit at home by myself and stew in feelings, or I could go to class- important since an entire semester's worth of material is being crammed into 4 weeks- and keep busy while I process. I'm glad I went. I can tell I'm going to like it, nerve-wracking though it may be.

The latest news is that my grandfather will be cremated and his ashes will be brought back here in a couple of months to be buried in the family cemetery. We have a family cemetery. Who knew? Actually, I think that's what they did with my father's ashes. See how much my paternal family communicates with me? They want me to be part of their lives; they just forget to include me. Some have even literally forgotten that I exist. Those would be the ones that thought my father had made up my existence all those years, thinking I was a family joke. Yeah, I'm still bitter when I think about that one.

Is it any wonder I'm ambivalent about them so often?

I should try harder with them as well, though, I think. I know I can shut myself off. It's just that I'm so very sensitive where they are concerned, and my feelings are easily bruised. I should work on this. But in the meantime, I've just got to sift through my sadness and anger where my grandfather is concerned.

I've got a lot to feel, and a lot to ponder, and a lot to let go of.

Distractions

Randy took me out to Applebee's for dinner, and then we went to see Shrek the Third. We haven't gone to the movies in a long time and, as we went to the last showing of the night, we had the theater to ourselves. I love when that happens! My Public Speaking class starts tonight and I'm a little apprehensive, so I've been keeping busy. In addition to going out I've been reading and cleaning.

One of the biggest projects I've undertaken is switching to "green" cleaning using Mrs. Meyers products to supplement homemade cleaning methods involving vinegar, lemon juice, baking soda and essential oils. I've discovered that vinegar and water really does remove lime build-up from my shower head, and that 1/4 cup baking soda added to the wash not only removes odors, but also works well as an alternative to fabric softener. I used Mrs. Meyers' countertop spray to clean up some grease which had splashed unnoticed under a Foreman-like grill; the results were both immediate and effortless. It was gone with one swipe.

You know, I should get a case of their products for this endorsement, don't you think?

I've also just finished reading Labyrinth by Kate Mosse (not the model). It's another Grail story, but with a different take on what the Grail really is. It's not The DaVinci Code, though there are some similarities in that there are two opposing groups in conflict. The story switches between Alais, who lived in Carcassone in 1205 during the Crusade against the Cathars, and Alice, a volunteer on an archaeological dig in 2005 located in the same region. Alice stumbles across a cave in which two skeletons are entwined. This find triggers surprising reactions in the people around her and Alice discovers that she's in danger. I realized pretty quickly that Alais and Alice were the same soul reincarnated, as were other characters around them. Both try to protect the Grail's secret from greedy and ambitious people. It sounds kind of lame the way I'm describing it, but it was really pretty good. Though the writing flagged from time to time, I still found it hard to put down.

Ah, well, I can't put off class forever. I suspect I'll survive it, but I do prefer being the observer rather than the observed. Let's just hope that the first time I have to stand up in front of the class, I don't say "Hi, I'm Aravis and I'm an alcoholic."

Given that the only time I've spoken in front of a group of people it has been as an AA speaker, it's entirely possible that I'll do just that.

Not that it would be the end of the world, but you know, it just isn't the way I want to start off.

The Gift of a Glimpse

I glanced out the window a moment ago and, in the soft light of a passing car, I saw a doe gliding silently across my lawn.

Lovely.

Trading Places

My brother Drew, as I've mentioned before, spent some time in jail for a crime he didn't commit. He did his time and his probation is almost up. He has moved on and is doing well; he's made a lot of new friends in addition to the old ones who stood by him.

For instance, he has been invited to go to Manhattan for the weekend. But hotel rooms are super expensive... so where should they stay? Not a problem. One of the friends went to school with Paris Hilton's brother. So that's where they're staying this weekend.

At Paris Hilton's place.

It's not as if she needs it. She's moving into Drew's old 'hood for awhile.