Measured Steps

As some of you may have noticed, I've added a new category to this blog. Most weight loss programs I know of encourage people to keep a food/exercise journal. While I'm not going to bore you all with the details of every meal I eat, I thought it might help keep me motivated if I occasionally blog any progress or setbacks I experience along the way. So here's the deal:

I've just begun Joy Bauer's The 90/10 Weight Loss Plan. Basically, it's reducing caloric intake and portion sizes without starvation or deprivation. Why "90/10?" That's because her plan is made up of 90% healthy foods in a day, and 10% of what she calls "Fun Foods." A fun food could be cookies, cake, ice cream, twinkies, whatever. She tells you exactly how much of each you can have, even breaking it down by brand names here in the US. You choose which plan you want to be on: 1200, 1400, or 1600 calories. From there she tells you how many calories you'll need for each meal and offers sample menus and recipes sufficient for 2 weeks. No digging out a calculator to figure out the calories at each mealtime! Don't like one of the meals? All breakfasts are interchangeable with each other, as are lunches and dinners. In addition to the Fun Food, you're also allowed a snack. Vegetarian meal options are included in the plan as well. I decided to buy the separate 90/10 cookbook, so I actually have a huge selection of meals and food ideas to choose from beyond what's included in the original plan book. I've chosen to start at the 1400 calorie level and just this once, for demonstration purposes only, I'll list my food intake for today:

Breakfast
1 bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal with a splash of nonfat milk
1 banana
1 cup of coffee with milk (whole, I had no choice until I got to the store) and Splenda

Lunch
tossed salad with roasted chicken, topped with balsamic vinaigrette
1 orange
unsweetened iced tea (I always drank it unsweetened, so this isn't a change. I also drink these all day long, so this will be the last time I list it)

Snack
I actually forgot to snack, but I think that's okay. After all, I did have whole milk with my coffee this morning, so this lapse more than makes up for the earlier one

Dinner
8 sushi rolls! It's all I wanted. Not sure of the caloric value; I'll have to research that. Hey, it's my first day and I'm still learning!

Fun Food
20 Pringles chips

Exercise Completed
she encourages exercise in general, but this is my own regime, not hers
100 ab crunches
30 minutes of cardio including a 10 minute run (I haven't exercised in 4 months, so I have to build up again)
30 minutes of Quigong (I think I need to do this on pilates night instead; too much wear and tear on the knees)

Alternate exercise night will consist of pilates, Quigong and modified free weights for working my arms. "Modified" for my bad wrist. I strap the weight to my upper arm to work the triceps, rather than bear the weight on my wrist. I have a lower weight the therapist recommended for my bicep area...

Keeping in mind always that I am muscular, and that muscle weighs more than fat, I'll disclose that I am currently 5'6 and roughly 160 lbs. I wear between a size 12-14, depending on the cut. I couldn't find my tape measure until just a little while ago and I refuse to measure myself at the end of a day of water retention, so I'll get my measurements tomorrow morning. My goal is to weigh between 135-145, depending on how I look. If I weigh more but am slender, I can live with that. What I would really like is to be a size 8 again. That's still heavier than I was in high school and should be a realistic goal. I have a tiny frame underneath it all, you see. Most people are surprised to learn how much I weigh. Despite their protestations to the contrary, I'm actually about 25 pounds overweight for my build. I just have to ignore them and do my best to get healthy again, because that's what this is about.

So there you have it. Future posts on the subject won't be nearly so lengthy, I promise. I'll just make the occasional update on progress.

Cheers!

Foul Language

"Mild mannered" will likely never be used to describe me; I have a temper. However as I've grown older, I find that I swear far less than I used to. So when I sit on my couch listening to the television, frowning at my knitting and muttering such things as "asswipe," "dickhead" and "fucker" several times in the course of an hour, you know it's election season again.

For indirectly bearing witness to that ugliness, I'll leave you with something a little more beautiful-

Natural Water Slide

Cat In Space

Captain Mitters monitors activity in space through his groovy, glass-tiled floor

Then And Now

Dustin was wondering how to go about doing the same thing for his boyfriend that my MIL did for us regarding the photos. My recommendation for anyone interested would be to start at your local historical society. If they don't have any photos, they might be able to point you to someone who does. As for the deeds/documents, you should be able to find those at your town hall.

David requested a photo of my house now, so I took one from roughly the same spot as the original. This won't be the one I use for posterity because it was a rainy day today, but it definitely shows the changes since the 30's. See those big windows? As small as they look in this photo, they're actually each 10' long and 6' high! There's 3 of them, one of them around the corner on the breezeway. These are the windows which are being torn out and replaced with the bay windows, except for the one on the breezeway which will just become a wall. The house is going to be painted a dark brown with copper gutters. The bay windows have an almond-colored trim, so it will all come together nicely. And that tree you see in the front yard next to the telephone pole is the one that will be taken down soon before it falls down on us. That boarded window pane is a direct result of a limb falling through it during a storm. In this photo it looks as though we don't have a backyard at all, that it's all trees. That's just the angle from which this was taken. The yard is really about 30-35' wide and quite long. You can't even see the cabin really in this photo because the bushes and growth cover all but part of it. I hadn't really noticed how overgrown they are- shows how much I pay attention!- but it's not as if I'm able to trim them back anymore since I hurt my wrist. I must get Randy or my brother Andrew to take care of that...

Speaking of Andrew, today is his 20th birthday. Happy Birthday, Drew!

Then, again...


..and now...

The Gift Of History

Tomorrow (now today) is our 11th anniversary, and to celebrate my MIL gave us the coolest gift: a photo of our house when it was just a log cabin. It was a Shell gas station and fresh vegetable stand in the 30's, when this photo was taken. She also had copies of all the deeds back to the original owners made for us to document the history. She had the actual photo blown up to 12x18", and told us to choose a frame and she would pay. She also said that if I want I can take photos of the house as it is now, and then again after we've finished work on it, and she'll have those framed too! A photo-documentary of our home, if you will. We were married here in our backyard, which makes this home all the more special to us.

The log porch is no longer there; it's become a framed-out screened-in porch now. That's too bad. Randy and I both like the original better. A forest has grown up about 30' behind the house so that those fields either aren't visible or are no longer there. That tall tree off to the left in the background is, though, as is that white house. That house belonged to the man in the photo. It's on a small dead-end road just around the corner. A fireplace has been added at this end of the structure with the chimney rising up between the windows, which I believe are the ones still in use. It certainly explains a lot about them. The rest of our house was added on much later, though I'm not sure exactly when. Bushes were planted in front of the porch, one of them where that gas pump is. The other gas pump off to the left would now be in my kitchen if it still existed. Surely it would have been a nuisance to cook around? That must be why they got rid of it. *G* For those of you who live around here, that street in front is actually Route 7, though here it looks like little more than a dirt road.

Oh, and for those who are interested, it looks like gas at the time cost about $0.18 at the left pump, while the one on the right reads $0.15 if I'm making out the sign correctly

This is just so cool!

The entire photo


close-up of the cabin as gas station


the signs out front

Not The Sushi

I'm falling apart.

First I had a migraine for a couple of days- hence photos without much text recently- and then I felt weak and shaky afterwards. Today I'm wracked by stomach pains, but as I had them first, at least I know it wasn't the sushi...

brown rice, crab, avocado and celery sushi rolls

Howling

He Brings Me Flowers

Bad Mommy

My intentions were good. Sam has been restless lately but I haven't wanted to walk him because he's just not been up to the walks, though he thinks he is. He tires out and stiffens up easily, so I've cut back on the frequency and length of his "constitutionals."

Today, though, I thought I would give him a treat. I decided to take him for a ride while I ran some errands. All went well until I was done and heading home. As I entered an intersection, another car came barreling through and I had to slam on my brakes. Though Sam was lying down, the sudden stop threw him to the floor. My poor geriatric dog with hip problems found himself wedged between the front and back seats with three legs up on the back seat while his other leg and back side were stuck on the floor. He struggled but couldn't free himself. I pulled into a parking lot across the road as quickly as I could and wrapped my arms around him, yanking him up and free. He was terrified and I had to take some time to calm him.

When I got home I observed his walk. He seemed a little stiffer than usual, but otherwise ok. However I know from experience that while you can feel good initially, sometimes these things set in over the course of a few hours. I gave him an extra pain pill and canceled my plans for the evening just in case I needed to take him to the vet's. So far, so good. He doesn't seem to have suffered any permanent harm. I think he peed in my car when it happened- something he absolutely never does- and I've cleaned it thoroughly. Hopefully it hasn't suffered any permanent damage, either.

I know his fall was an accident, but I feel so guilty and have been spoiling him unmercifully ever since.

Not that he's complained.

Frozen

Not So Bad After All

I was watching Under The Tuscan Sun for the second time a little while ago when the thought came to me that while it has sometimes been difficult or painful, my life is a good one.

Some Of Nature's Finest

Day Well Spent

I managed to peel my eyes open and get myself to the optometrist almost on time. My eyes are fine. I chose frames for a second pair of glasses and ordered more contacts. Stepping out into the sunny day after having the drops put in my eyes made me immediately realize how Gizmo felt in Gremlins when he threw his arms up, scrambled backwards and cried out "Bright light! Bright light!"

Try driving that way.

Once my eyes readjusted I decided to play with my new camera some more. I went to Great Falls about a mile from my house. I walked and climbed all over the trails and rocks surrounding the 80' tall waterfalls, filling up 2 CF cards. I took several photos that I'm happy with and will post them periodically.

This evening after Randy came home we headed to the movies. We chose to see World Trade Center. This dwelt not on 9/11 as a whole, but rather on the role of the Port Authority Police Department, particularly the two officers who survived being buried in the concourse between Towers 1 and 2. The movie was written from the memories of the survivors and rescuers, and is not a fictionalized story based on the day's events. It followed the officers as they started their day and developed as it occured for them, not as it was reported to us. By that I mean that the audience learned of events in the same disjointed way that the officers did, without the clear knowledge of developments those of us had while watching things unfold on television. For example, though the second tower had been hit prior to their entry into Tower One, the officers weren't aware of it except as an unsubstantiated rumor. In addition to following the men's day, the movie also cuts to the families of the officers, and shows their home lives in flashbacks.

In the end, Cage's character says that though that day was a day of great evil, he'll always remember the goodness that it brought out in people as they banded together to help. Rather than feeling exploitative, the film was a tribute to those who came from all over and joined together in varying capacities to do what they could to help, and was dedicated to the Port Authority officers who died that day.

Not for everyone, but beautifully told.

What Was I Thinking?

I have an appointment with an optometrist at 10AM, which was really stupid of me. Given the fact that I'm rarely asleep before 3:30AM- and lately it's closer to 5- I'll barely be able to open my eyes at 10 let alone see the giant "E" at the top of the chart. That doctor is going to think I'm blinder than I really am! If I don't walk out of there with a red-tipped cane, I'll count myself lucky. I guess that's the price I pay for not scheduling a later visit.

Speaking of paying, thanks in large part to my new hobby (pictured below) I currently need to wear my wrist brace again. If I so much as hold my wrist wrong, it hurts. But you know what? Sometimes it's worth a bit of pain to do the things I enjoy doing. I just need to make sure I don't overdo it as much.

I've never been successful at moderation, but I'll keep trying.

an almost completed scarf

From A Quiet Mind

Pointless

Sometimes I have nothing to say. I just like typing. The cat seems to have something on her mind, though. Are spooky cats able to do a Vulcan Mind Meld?

Country Living?

While waiting in line in a drive-thru, I watched a woman ride by on her bicycle. She was sleek, tanned, wearing a turquoise top and white shorts with her brown hair cut short and stylish. Her face lit up in a smile as she waved to someone across the road and I suddenly flashed to all of the opening movie scenes in which the story takes place in a quaint country town. They inevitably have people riding bikes and/or waving to those they know; was I living a Stepford life?

But then, just as my mind reeled from this epiphany, a young South American man rode up on his 10-speed, hair neatly groomed and wearing Dockers, a navy polo shirt and loafers. As he rode, he was talking on a cell phone. I've never seen anyone so dressed up, riding a bicycle while carrying on a cell phone conversation with all of the intensity of a business deal in the works; it was so incongruous.

All is now right with my world again.

B&W PhotoChallenge-Music2

Some Updates

Catching you up on some things-

There's a good chance that I won't be able to see Danny anymore. Ellen wound up having two surgeries to remove the staph infection, and in the process the doctor discovered that her rotator cuff is all torn up again and needs to be repaired once more. Right now Danny is staying with friends of her home health aide, and it's going extremely well. Danny is very happy and is a great companion to this elderly couple. In the morning he goes to the town hall with the wife when she goes to work. In the afternoon the husband- who is retired- takes Danny for long walks and rides in his car. They just adore the little guy and have asked Ellen if they can keep him. Ellen loves him too, but is concerned because with all of her surgery and subsequent recovery time, she's afraid that she won't be able to take care of him properly, at least not for a very long time. Is it fair to try to keep him under those conditions given how content he is with a couple who can give him a good home? This is a question she's wrestling with now. As much as I would hate losing contact with him, I think it's a wonderful, loving, stable home for him if that's where he ends up, and we could feel good about Danny's life there.

On another note, I haven't written about my house for awhile. That's because it's been on the back burner for a couple of months. However now that I've been able to put some money aside for more repairs, we're moving forward again. Things either being done now or in the next few weeks include:

- fuel tank is being replaced
- bugs in cabin exterminated
- floor replaced and re-covered in laundry room
- finish painting and polyurethaning the cabin floor
- patch cement chinking
- paint walls, hearth and chinking
- update electrical system in house, and rewire a couple of things
- exchange living room windows with bay windows
- sheetrock living room
- sheetrock ceilings
- paint other rooms, and exchange hardware on kitchen cabinets
- new flooring in bathroom
- sand and refinish hardwood floors everwhere else
- have tree in front yard removed

I hate having to do the last one, but it's necessary. It has been a little treacherous for years, with twigs and small branches falling in storms. A little over a year ago a branch came through one of our living room windows. It's an old, tall and brittle tree. We received an estimate today, and learned just how dangerous the situation really is. It turns out that there's a large crack in the trunk towards the top which is splitting the tree in two. They doubt it would have made it through this coming winter if we hadn't decided to remove it. The weight of the snow might well have brought the tree down on us! I'll plant another tree when I'm able, but perhaps a little further from the driveway. Between the birds pooping on my car regularly, and the pollen which falls every year and which looks just like bird poop once wet, I can't catch a break and am spending way too much at the car wash. Though I must admit it's fun to wait until people are looking, then peel the pollen masquerading as poop off of my car with my bare hands. Their horrified expressions make up somewhat for the fact that my car is covered in crap, real or imagined. Just so long as I pay attention and don't try to peel actual bird poop off, I should be ok.

If You Miss The Train I'm On

Today was a Janis Joplin sort of day, musically-speaking. Most of it was spent on the road, cruising from one destination to another, accomplishing things or not. Windows rolled down, wind in the hair, singing at the top of my lungs unless another car was going by in which case I sang at the bottom of them I suppose. When it rained I stood there and enjoyed the feel of it on my skin, the wet grass under my bare feet as I refilled bird feeders. I watched the begining and the end of The Blue and the Gray. Perhaps tomorrow I'll watch the middle. I've always thought I would like to see it, but in 24 years somehow never quite got around to it. Randy was watching it when I got home this evening and as I got sucked in, he reminded me that he had a copy of it on VHS. So I started watching it from the beginning once I saw the ending. As I've said, I'll finish tomorrow. After all, I have a pretty good idea how it will all turn out...

And now I've got Arlo Guthrie's song "City Of New Orleans" making tracks through my head. See what I did there? I thought so. Sorry about that. I can only plead that I'm exhausted and am now going to spare you further ramblings. So I'll leave you with this image. It may not be the famed City Of New Orleans or even the train that Janice Joplin and Bobby McGee were waiting for. It is, however, the train that held up traffic the other night as I made my way home from the restaurant.

The Past Revisited

I had a disquieting dream yesterday morning involving a man I once loved so insanely that even when he started to hurt me, I stayed long after I should have left. In my dream I bumped into him again and, despite his rather rough appearance, I hoped that he had changed. I learned that he was about to get married and I went with him to the place where the ceremony was being held. I kept trying to make conversation with him as we walked but he was brusque, just as he had been by the end of our relationship in real life. When we arrived I met his bride and watched as he started to berate her and hit her as he had me. She was clearly terrified and I tried to tell her that she didn't have to go through with it, that I would help her to get away. But she wouldn't leave. He became aware of what I was up to and turned on me. I wasn't afraid for myself at all; I somehow knew he couldn't hurt me. But I felt inexpressibly sad for all of us, and that sadness stayed with me even after I woke up.

I have some notion as to what caused me to have this dream; it dovetails with a similar real life situation I'm watching develop and can do nothing about. This situation has brought up my own past and has me examining not only that time in my life, but how my reactions to it effect me to this day. I had built up walls after that abusive relationship that I didn't even know I had until I tried to move beyond them and was blocked. I became so far removed from myself back then that I couldn't tell you what I was feeling because I didn't even know if I was feeling, let alone put a name to an emotion. I dissociated strongly afterwards and rarely bothered returning to myself if I didn't have to. It's how I survived and got about the business of existing again.

For the most part that's changed now. I've learned to feel and to name what I'm feeling. I've also learned to trust a few people enough to let them know what I'm thinking and feeling. I've made tenuous steps towards self-respect and self-confidence, but it's fragile and I think I hide away too much in order to preserve this. I'm afraid of putting myself Out There only to be torn down again, and of buying into the derision of others instead of trusting and believing in myself. This is a very new revelation, borne of discussing my dream with my therapist yesterday afternoon. I have more pondering to do on the subject of overly-sheltering myself after my years of putting myself into harm's way while drinking. I don't feel depressed, merely thoughtful as I consider my past, my reactions and how I would best like to create more balance in my future.

Challenge Met, Sister Celebrated, and Coppertoned

After hours of attempting to set it up, I am now wirelessly blogging from Randy's laptop! There were a couple of minor glitches along the way, but do you know what really caused the hold-up? What brought me this close to kicking something (inanimate) hard?

I couldn't establish the network, not because of a bad router connection or faulty Windows networking. Nope.

I failed to turn the wireless switch on the laptop into the "On" position.

Yup, my blonde is showing again!

Thankfully I didn't need to contact tech support at any point. No need to make myself more of a laughingstock than I'm doing here. ;0) At last, though, all is well.

Which is as it should be, because today was my lovely sister Ashley's Sweet 16^th birthday! Randy and I bought her a gorgeous watercolor print of two sisters engaged in a sort of ritual dance that connects them to the earth, to themselves and to each other. In addition, we bought her a blue-and-brown beaded hanging lamp from India. She also obtained her Learner's Permit for driving today, and Mom bought her an iPod. Add to that a dinner at a Thai restaurant, some jewelry, clothes and cash from everyone else and you've got one very happy girl! She's a great kid though and she deserves it.

And on a completely random note, I must recommend Coppertone's Oil-Free tanning lotion. I've used it twice now with no streaking, just a nice even tan! The secret is, I believe, the fact that it has a temporary tint that allows you to see where you've already applied the lotion, and where it needs to be smoothed further. The tint disappears after a few seconds, and the tan develops over the next couple of hours, as these things usually do. Excellent product!

Now, I have to switch computers in order to access a photo to accompany this entry. The next thing you see will be from my own desktop...

Mooning You

You saw me standing alone... _{marble coasters}

(Mis)Adventures In Knitting

At first I thought that I was knitting a scarf. But then I realized that I wouldn't want that coarse yarn around my neck; it was itchy. So then I thought "Well, maybe I'll make a silly scarf for Sam." However as I worked on I discovered that there wouldn't be enough yarn for that. "Oh well then, it can be a pot holder or a trivet in the kitchen." Except that when I took it off of the needles, it was deformed and appeared to be a small, red cape just the right size for a cat.

But Patches was too suspicious...

And who could look into this trusting face and subject her to that sort of humiliation? I like to tease, but to so wound a cat's dignity and trust is beyond even me...

It must be said though that I was so impressed with my ability to create such a tiny and complicated garment on my first try that I've now moved on to fluffier, more slippery yarn for my next project: a scarf. Who knows? Maybe this time it'll turn out to be a hat.

Eye Of The Beholder

I sat on the couch, quietly and diligently knitting. I peered over the top of my glasses because I'm near-sighted and this gave me a better view of my work. Randy was next to me on the couch and even as I thought about how I must resemble someone's granny, my husband leaned over and with great sincerity and feeling said:

"Sexy."

I married a very odd man.

Taking Flight

Wow, great day!

The AC unit came in so I picked it up for Randy's parents. No more worrying about FIL's heart in the heat.

I've learned how to knit. Ok, so it's going to be an ugly and boring scarf, quite possibly misshapen. But it will be my own.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

I took Dad (step-father) out to dinner. First, though, he wanted to show me his new plane. It's a Piper Cub Vagabond from the 40's. If you click on the link and enlarge the photo you'll see exactly what Dad's plane looks like. That's not really his plane or web page. Just a coincidence. Anyway, it's made of fabric instead of fiberglass. Lightweight with a lot of character, especially when seen next to all of its modern descendants. I can't wait to go back to the small local airport with him to take photos of the airport, the plane, and the scenery from above. Dad took me up for about half an hour this evening, and it was so beautiful! Part of the fun was meeting a little boy and his grandpa as we prepared for our flight. Little Aidan was fascinated by the plane and watched eagerly as Dad looked things over and got it situated. The grandfather had been planning to take Aidan home, but when he heard we were going up he decided to wait so Aidan could watch our take-off. They waved to us as we soared by, as did some nearby bicyclists. Very cool! We went up about 2,000 feet, just high enough to see the hills rolling away in the distance and to make the fields, forests, homes and cars below look like scale models. It was an amazing ride and I kept wishing I had my camera. Dad has promised to take me back again soon, and I'll be sure to get some shots then.

Afterwards I took Dad out to eat and we talked. I've offered him money for a vacation, and he's going to let me know when he decides where he wants to go. I'm glad he's letting me do something for him; he deserves it.

That's it, as if that isn't enough. Busy and fun day. I'm tired and happy. And here at last is a shot from my new camera. This photo of my cats' brush was taken at close range without a macro lens or flash. I'm impressed at the quality given the conditions. I'm continuing to learn and to play. For example, I took a picture of a fan that was turned on "High." In the photo, it looked as if the blades weren't turning at all. Amazing speed. More to come in the days ahead...

A Treat For Me

I ducked into Barnes and Noble while my car went in for its regular check-up today. I had a gift certificate to use up and that's just what I did. I chose 5 books and still got $ .90 back in change. Not bad!

Shortly after I arrived back home, Randy finished up at work and we headed into a nearby town to look for an air-conditioner for his parents. We went to 7 stores, and every one of them was sold out. Sears Hardware had received in and sold 30 units today alone. They said they'd hold one for us if they get a shipment tomorrow or the day after. Everyone's suffering from this heat! Thankfully, they say we're about to get a break from it. I hope so!

The trip wasn't a total waste though. Several people have pointed out that while I've been buying presents for family, what have I bought for myself? Until today I had only bought 2 cds and 2 blouses. However today Randy wore me down and convinced me to buy a certain something I've wanted badly for a long time now-

A Canon EOS (SLR) Digital Rebel XT camera. Mine is silver and black, my favorite combo.

I was going to get it on sale for around $890 at WalMart but they were out of stock. However during our search for an AC, we decided to stop by BJ's Wholesale Club. Randy wanted to get a membership anyway regardless of whether or not they carried an AC. As we passed by their digital cameras, I noticed that the same camera was only $779, and that wasn't even a sale price! I scooped it up then and there and have been studying the manual ever since. The battery just finished charging and I haven't loaded the software yet, but expect to be seeing photos from it soon. In the meantime, here is probably the last photo you'll see from my Canon Powershot A95 for a little while as I play with my new toy-

Patches hiding behind our guitar case

A Gift For Randy

I went shopping today and bought an inexpensive laptop for Randy. Computers scare him for the most part so he doesn't need anything fancy, though this one does have wifi capabilities, etc. He wanted the laptop for work mostly. He also likes playing games on them. I bought him the laptop, Excel and several games and had them loaded and waiting when he got home from work. Unfortunately I can't seem to get Excel working. When I install, it asks for the product code. I type it in and it accepts it. But once the program is installed and I try to run it, it prompts me for the product code again, and when I type it in this time it says the code is invalid. It's referring to the exact same code, but it won't take it the second time. Frustrating, however I'll figure it out soon I'm sure.

Randy was really pleased and surprised, so that was fun!

Moving On

After posting my entry last night, I decided to finish reading Marley and Me, by John Grogan. It's a wonderful nonfiction story about a wilfully mischievous and incredibly loyal and loving dog, and the lives he touched. I really enjoyed it and would recommend the book to dog-lovers. As I read of Marley's struggles with aging, of the poignant moments during which either Marley or his family were made aware of his increasing limitations, I began to cry. I cried throughout the last chapters for Marley and his family, and for my own losses past and impending. But you know, though saying good-bye to our pets is painful, the years of joy and the loving hearts they share make it more than worth it.

Eyes puffy from last night's tears, I woke to the sound of the ringing phone this morning. The judge signed off on the distribution of my father's estate to the 6 of us kids, and my aunt had a check for me. It felt surreal after all this time. I didn't feel the joy I expected to feel when this day came. I was relieved, and so grateful. I was also happy for my aunt that the burden of sorting out my father's estate is over. That poor lady!

But as I say, so far I've felt relieved, grateful. But not joyous. I think that's probably due to the circumstances- I lost a father I barely knew. But then I've come to realize that even those who saw him daily didn't really know him. He was a chameleon, and I think that must have been a lonely feeling. His ending was certainly sad! I wish that we all could have known him a little better.

As planned, I gave Randy and the kids the money I'd earmarked for them; mom refuses any of my father's money for herself. I'm taking Dad - my (now ex) step-father- out to dinner on Friday at which time I'll offer to send him on a vacation, or whatever he prefers. He helped raise me since I was 3; he was the one who was always there for me, and I want to give him a little something. He'll always be "Dad" to me. And I've placed a call to Randy's mom, discussing with her what gift we might give her and Randy's father. Randy's mother started to cry when I told her what we wanted to do for them; they've always been so generous to us. She was pleased and amazed, though she tried to refuse at first. But I told her that we really wanted to do this, so she accepted. They'll talk about it and get back to us. The rest of my inheritance is safely tucked away in the bank. That's a nice feeling, and I thank my father for this gift.

Another bend in the road, rounded.

Bright, Sunshiny Day

Yet another productive day, but I won't bore you with the details. Rides given, dog walked, lawn mowed, appointments made, etc. Feeling pretty good.

Along those lines, I've remained mellow and generally contented lately. I've been listening to the Indigo Girls more (you can tell what kind of mood I'm in based on the music I'm listening to usually) and find myself singing often. Not just depressing songs either, which has always been my m.o. Nope, I'll sing just about anything these days. It comes down to my spirits being up, and I have no intention of questioning it. It's not manic; there's nothing feverish about it. I'm just happy, and that's a good thing. I have worries, but they're not overwhelming me. In large part I think it's the med change. I don't feel the constant tug of depression anymore. I have more energy, motivation and enthusiasm. I still get sad, but not mired down in it until it turns into depression that sucks at the soul like mud on shoes. I no longer feel like I'm tired all the time, or as if I'm walking through a fog. I'm not as forgetful as I was, either, and I can read once I make myself sit down to do so. It's just a matter of getting myself to sit down and do it. All the new-found energy means I lounge a little less. The side effects of the new med have tapered off as well. No more hives or peeling lips. As my body gets used to the increasing dosages, the side-effects disappear. In another week I should be up to my final therapeutic level of Lamictal, and then we'll see how I go from there. My hopes are high.

That's where I'm at, and it's all good.