Favors

I contacted Sarah. She even had my mother ask me to return her calls today, as if we're still 12 and she's telling Mommy on me. Honestly. In addition to wanting a bicycle, she wanted me to store a futon for her until she gets an apartment next month. Not that she has an apartment lined up; she doesn't. But she wants me to hold on to it Just In Case. Finally, she also wanted me to - get this!- take care of a friend's dog for a month even after I told her I'm already taking care of someone else's dog! I actually feel badly that I can't help the dog. It sounds wonderful. But I can't, and that's it. I'm going to mention the situation to my cousin tomorrow, the one who offered to take Danny for a little while. She and her family might be interested in taking care of a friendly german shepherd for a month. Otherwise, there's nothing more I can do but hope things work out for that dog. I also said no to the bicycle and the futon.

I'm getting pretty good at saying "no."

I also had lunch with my mother today (it was during the meal that my mother mentioned Sarah wanted me to call her) during which time Mom asked a special favor of me. My aunt in Baton Rouge used to live near here. Years ago she gave birth prematurely and her baby daughter only lived a couple of days. She's buried in a local cemetary, and though my aunt truly loves living in Baton Rouge she so misses the ability to visit that little grave. Mom asked me if I'd be willing to go to the cemetary and take some pictures for my aunt. So tomorrow Mom and I are going to bring flowers to Angelika's grave, and I'm going to take some photos of it for my mother to send along. It won't be the same as being able to visit, but my aunt would really love a photograph of the site to look at while remembering the daughter who died. My aunt does so much for other people, I'm happy to be able to do this for her.

See, I can say "yes" sometimes, too.

Inspiration Photo Challenge- Chairs

One chair seen through the spindles of another

A Tenuous Peace

I haven't heard from my step-sister Sarah since January. Not a peep. Then today she calls and leaves multiple messages. Not to let me know she's ok, but because she wants something from me. She's wants me to get her a bicycle. Her next message stated that not only does she want a bike, but she has some other favors to ask of me and can she come over on Sunday afternoon to talk?

I haven't returned her calls. I was frankly too irate. And no, she can't come over Sunday or any other day. I'm not convinced of her sobriety yet. I'll deal with all of that tomorrow though. That Scarlet O'Hara knew what she was talking about.

There's happy news to report as well. Danny (whom Randy has re-named Damien, think The Omen) has been behaving beautifully for three days in a row now. I believe he's finally settled in, and I've learned to read him. The combination of these two events has led to fewer tensions and misunderstandings, and the home is returning to a more peaceful state. He stills barks at the cats and any random thing that catches his eye when he's bored, but he's not so ugly to Sam or defensive with me.

I'm feeling much calmer and more relaxed. Thanks to everyone for comforting me as I endured the adjustment phase. I needed it!

B&W PhotoChallenge-Religion

Everyone's A Critic

The sun came out of hiding today, restoring my spirits at least a little. It was also one of Danny's good days, making our home a bit more pleasant to be in.

There's a small boy who lives in a house down the street. When I went by with Danny the boy was knocking a ball around with his bat and he looked a little lonely. When I approached with Sam, however, matters had changed.

I first became aware that the boy had found a new occupation long before I turned the corner toward his house. The air was rent by the none-so-dulcet tones of a saxophone awkwardly played. Despite this I was impressed; he only slaughtered every 5th or 6th note. Not bad for a child of about 8.

Sam was less impressed.

The closer we came to the house, the more he resisted any attempt to move forward. The child was playing the saxophone in his front yard, and as we approached (cautiously on Sam's part) my dog never took his eyes off of that little boy. Sam didn't walk so much as he cringingly slunk forward. Once past the yard, Sam didn't want to turn his back to it as if afraid that the demon who was creating such a terrible wailing sound might sneak up and capture him from behind. I told the boy that he sounded good even as I tried to stifle my giggles while trying to get Sam to stop cowering and keep walking.

I might have dismissed my dog's opinion as being overly critical, however as we continued on we saw the four cows in my neighbor's field standing shoulder to shoulder pressed up against the fence, looking toward the kid with the saxophone. The cows and child couldn't see each other due to a small hillock blocking their view, so the cows could only hear the -er- music without discovering its source. Now, I know cows normally have as much facial expression as an aging actress with stock in Botox, but even I could see that these cows were mystified by the sounds, both attracted and repelled. I couldn't dispense with the notion that they were getting ready to knock down the fence and Make It Stop at any moment if only they could get out of the hypnotic thrall in which it held them.

Honestly, the little boy really was quite good for his age. I guess you had to be human to appreciate that fact.

Blue

Walking today I heard what sounded like the echo of an echo of a hawk's cry. Haunting, lonely and lovely. It struck a chord. It was a grey and rainy day and I was soaked and felt a chill despite my heavy coat. The sad and soggy surroundings embodied my emotions perfectly. Even the thriving little farm near our home had a desolate, abandoned appearance despite the car in the yard. A pasture gate had been left slowly swinging in the breeze, its mournful creaking reached me across the fields contributing to the melancholic atmosphere. All were outward manifestations of this sadness I'm carrying, with no greater cause than that I am. Circumstances are what they are and certainly aren't devastating or earth-shattering. I had a fight with my brother Andrew over nothing and everything yesterday. We worked things out, but I'm always left with an emotional hangover whenever great amounts of negative energy are released, especially in ways other than that which I would have chosen with a cooler, calmer head. Then, too, there's Danny. I love him, I really do. He's a wonderful little soul who really must go home as soon as my friend is well. I'm watching my own dog suffer not only from the pain of his arthritis, but also from having his space and his comforts stolen from him. Danny attacks Sam whenever Sam gets any attention and will even harass him when Sam is just trying to sleep. Today Sam had difficulty moving due to increased pain from the rain, and I'm terrified my boy is going to die. My worst fear is that he'll lose heart, not realizing that Danny is only a temporary guest, and give up before the little guy leaves. I so want my boy to have peaceful, love-filled final days. The thought that he might believe we're pushing him aside for this new young thing breaks my heart.

I hope and believe I'm simply being silly, that my Sam still has lots of time left. I'm so scared that he doesn't. I'm exhausted; Danny insists on waking me early each day and it's getting harder to function. Those who know me realize that my home is my sanctuary. When I'm overwhelmed by the world I can go home, shut the door and find my peace. However there's so much stress in my home now that I have no sanctuary; I can't find my serenity and am completely off balance. I'm locked in depression, peddling in the sludge of it just trying to keep my head above the surface. I know this feeling will pass and I'm working towards that as hard as I can. Sleep should improve my outlook, if I'm allowed not only to attain it, but maintain it as well for a full night's rest.

Sweet dreams to me, and to my Sam as well.

My Day, In Art

Insecure, inadequate, scattered, angry and hurting. It was a bad day, with the hope of a better tomorrow.

An Austere Beauty

The Occupation, Day 6

Dumb Danny: So far he has attempted to take on two labradors and an angry rottweiler during our walks, and no amount of talking to him can convince him that he can't take all of them with three paws tied to his tail. Other creatures in need of his direction include my neighbor's cows, anyone who happens to cycle by us and -though technically not a creature- the stray leaf being blown across the road.

Smart Danny: He allowed me to sleep in this morning and refrained from attacking Sam every single time I paid attention to him. He has also mastered the art of cocking his pea-sized head (sandwiched between gi-normous elephant ears) to one side in order to look so adorable that I couldn't possible stay angry with him over that sock incident.

Photo Friday-Golden

The Occupation, Day 4

Bad Danny: Wakes me up in the morning with his incessant barking. When I'm awake and on the couch, he curls up and goes to sleep leaving me with a burning resentment against a 10 lb. dog.

Good Danny: Cute and funny, he makes me laugh. When given a rawhide as a treat, he magically transforms into Sqrat with a nut. He races around the house, "burying" the bone in cushions, under blankets or under a shoestring behind the couch. Almost as soon as it's buried to his satisfaction, he digs it up and runs to bury it somewhere else. He is tireless in the single-minded pursuit of protecting his rawhide.

This is my mother's dog Tyler. Half german shepherd, half akita, she could eat Danny in a single bite. We won't be introducing the two of them.

Bad and Good

My internet connection continues to act up, but only at night when it will piss me off the most to lose it. Though I'm connected through cable hookup, it slows down to speeds less than dial up, and then cuts out altogether. It's not a virus. My computer is working fine; I've checked it out. Time to start harassing them. Unfortunately they're my only option for high speed internet. DSL was never made available on my street.

Anyway...

I've learned a little more about my friend. The coma she's in is medically-induced. They started to bring her out of it but she appeared restless so they put her back under for now. Her CT scan showed good brain activity and the oxygen levels to her brain are good, so I remain hopeful. Thank-you for your thoughts and prayers!

Feeling Stressed

More bad news. Another friend of mine was badly injured when thrown from her horse last night. She was flown by helicopter to Hartford Hospital, where she's lying in a coma. No details regarding prognosis yet. I remain hopeful. An old school friend of mine once had the exact same thing happen to her and, though she was in a wheelchair for a while after she came out of her coma, she has long since been able to walk on her own albeit with a limp. I choose to believe that my friend will have a happy outcome, as my old classmate did. All I can do is wait and see, though all good thoughts for her would be welcome!

I received some positive news today, too. The young man I know who fell off of a scaffolding while working a few weeks ago is improving. He still has a couple of crushed ribs and he won't walk again, but his spirits are up and that counts for a lot. I'm sure he and his family could also use your good thoughts.

In other news Danny was calmer today, though was still a bit of a pest from time to time. He likes to annoy poor Sam, especially if Sam is getting attention. However Sam is slowly showing signs of asserting himself and I'm encouraging that. I took the dogs out for two longs walks apiece this afternoon- Sammy getting the better river walk as a treat- and so wound up walking about 4 miles myself. I'm at least as tuckered as they are, but the exercise really helps mellow Danny out a little, so it's worth it. Patches came out from under my bed tonight and left the room for the first time since Danny's arrival. He came into my office- also gated and Danny-proof - and went under the guest bed in here instead, but it's a start. He's the skittish one, so I didn't think he'd stick his nose out until well after Danny leaves.

We're a stressed-out household at the moment, but I'm hopeful matters will improve.

As Promised...

Aravis As Dog Sitter

The friend who had surgery the other day has a little dachshund named Danny. Unfortunately when my friend's shoulder turned out to be in worse condition than expected, this left my friend in a bind regarding him. Her daughter was staying at her apartment for a week as planned, but cannot stay any longer. And my friend can't afford to kennel her dog for the month she's going to be rehabilitating at the health care center.

In short, Danny is coming to live with us for a month.

I asked Sam if he'd like a puppy around the house for a little while and he seemed very pleased. His ears perked up, his head tilted to one side and his legs splayed as though ready to pounce as his bright eyes looked for the target. I take this as approbation, though of course he may be equating "puppy" with "dog treat." We'll see. As for the cats, they're both bigger than Danny and have their claws. My money's on them if it comes down to it. I'm meeting with my friend tomorrow to make plans and receive instructions. He's adorable, full of energy and mischief not unlike our Greta used to be.

This could get interesting. More will surely follow. *G*

Yes, I'm aware that this is a dalmation, not a dachshund, but it's as close as I could come at the last moment. :0)

Better Now

My computer problems seem to have straightened themselves out. Thank goodness! Hope everyone is having a great day. :0)

Computer Troubles

I'm having computer trouble of some sort tonight, seemingly having to do with my internet connection. I'm about out of patience and won't be able to visit any of you tonight. Happy Easter to those who celebrate it!

Evolution Of A Name

My mother's cat as he lounges under her piano. Originally named Mufasah- which never really suited him- he was called "Trouble" so often that it became his name. However my brother Andrew nicknamed him "Mitters" for no apparent reason a few years ago, and I've picked it up as well. It doesn't matter what you call this old gray tiger though, as long as there's attention or food to be had.

Magazine Marauder, and MIL

I had to take a friend to a hospital near Hartford this morning, so got little sleep last night. It was same-day surgery on her shoulder, so I had to hang around the hospital and then take her to the rehabilitation center she'll be staying at for the next week. She lives alone and needs help until she can take care of herself.

Anyway, I finished reading The Swallows of Kabul by Yasmina Khadra, which I didn't really care for in the end. It's not that it was bleak; one would expect that of a story which takes place in Kabul during Taliban reign. It's just that I was left not really liking any of the main characters. I did like one old man who finally followed a dream, but that's about it. Once I finished the novel I switched to Time magazine. Now you must understand that this was a very large waiting room filled with well over a hundred magazines to choose from. The room was fairly empty (only 4 of us in a room that could hold 50) so there was no competition for reading material, even if there had been lots of people hanging out. I got about halfway through my copy of Time when I decided to pop downstairs quickly for a cup of coffee. I brought the cup back up with me, went to my seat and my magazine was gone! The man sitting a few seats away, who was there before and knew I was reading it, took it, though there were two tables full of various periodicals between us! He knew, too, that I was coming right back because I had told the nurse where I was going in case my friend was ready to go. He deliberately waited until I left the room, then took my Time. It wasn't even the most recent copy! Senseless, pointless theft. Luckily for him my friend was ready to go soon after, so no Mighty Magazine wars ensued. I can only assume that Cosmic Justice will zap him. Perhaps he got a paper cut. *G*

Yes, the above was mostly tongue-in-cheek. I wasn't really infuriated, just peeved and somewhat amused at the same time. Thought I'd share.

Bought the futon today but decided to hold off on the entertainment center. I have doubts about it and don't want to spend the money until I'm sure. One really nice thing happened:

While waiting for a dolly to roll the heavy futon box, Randy and I bumped into his mother's best friend. While chatting, she mentioned that in my MIL's eyes, there's nothing I can't do. She's been bragging about the cards I've painted for her and the bookmark I've made, as well as the jewelry she's seen me make. My MIL has a tendency to point out the things I'm doing wrong to me; it's so nice to know that she brags about me to others! :0)

B&W PhotoChallenge-Architecture

Our local library

Ghosts and Music

Have I ever mentioned that I believe the cabin is haunted by the person who built it? I don't think I have, but I do. Ever since we moved in I've felt a presence in that room from time to time, and I've had the sense that it wasn't always pleased to see me. Randy of course doesn't believe me. For example, shortly after the workers started to tear up the cabin, I awoke one morning to the large plastic litter box lid thudding heavily on the floor at the foot of my bed. It had somehow levitated from the bathroom to thunk loudly enough on the floor that it woke me up. Randy tried to tell me that one of the cats must have been startled by something and launched out of the litter box, taking the lid with them by mistake.

"Aahhh," I sagely replied, "but what startled the cat in the first place??? It was the ghost getting revenge for disturbing its room!"

To which he had nothing to say, though his expression said it all.

Today I decided to start painting the floor in the cabin. Due to years of neglect there were some deep gouges that had to be puttied, so staining the floor wasn't an option. Instead I'm treating it as I did the ceiling: one coat of dark brown paint, thick and dark enough to cover the putty while allowing the natural wood grain to come through. I'll be adding a couple of coats of glossy clear polyurethane to finish it off over the next week. It should look really nice.

I was clever enough not to paint myself into a corner. I was not clever enough to avoid painting my cd player into a corner, however. I wound up with a floor coated in wet paint between me and the off switch, with the volume cranked up so loudly that even with the door shut I could hear the music in the living room, and the cd player was set to repeat. Which it did for hours until the floor was dry enough to cross it and shut the darn thing off.

I really hope the ghost likes Dixie Chicks, or I may be in for some more trouble!

The new closet built for me around the utility box, and the sanded floor prior to painting it.

Belief and Faith

I wrote a long post about believing in God vs. having faith in God. To my mind, these aren't the same things and while I have no trouble believing in a god of my understanding^*, sometimes I have trouble putting faith in God's judgment. If I don't like the message my higher power seems to be giving me, I decide that I know better and will just have to do things my way. Some painfully chaotic time later, I realize that maybe my God had a point after all, but I had to find out for myself. Admitting that I cannot control everything around me is never easy, but necessary. Some days it comes more readily than others.

As I said, I wrote a long post about it but didn't want to belabor the point. I tried to write about something else but this is the subject that wanted to be written. I had a good day; this isn't the result of stress. The topic just keeps coming up in my meetings lately and is resonating just now for whatever reason. I don't know if reading this means anything to you, but writing it helped me to clarify my thoughts.

^*The God of my understanding isn't the God of any formal religion. I believe that God is a sort of force or being who presents himself to different people or cultures as they will most readily accept him. I don't ask that any of you believe as I do. I respect your right to believe however you like.

The last of the tulip shots

Illustration Friday-Speed

How fast can you move?

Dating My Husband

I went on a date with my husband tonight for the first time since December, and it was wonderful! He took me to dinner at Applebee's, always a delicious option. I decided that a night as special as this warranted tossing my diet in the dumpster, so I did. I dined well and finished with their chimicheesecake, a cheesecake wrapped in a fried dough coated in cinnamon sugar and served with vanilla icecream. Wonderful! There was a humorous moment when the hostess announced that a booth was ready for the Lane Family- part of 5 and a half! I'm not sure what constituted the "half" but I'm guessing a baby. *G*

Randy and I stopped by the store afterwards and chose a couple of pieces of furniture for the house (posh-looking futon and a new entertainment center) and we bought the polyurethane I'll need to finish off the cabin floor over the next couple of days. More progress... hooray!

There was one really bad moment tonight, however. We popped into Petco to see if there were any new toys for the pets. While I was adoring a chinchilla, Randy called me to the center of the store where a baby ferret slept in its little hammock. It was so sweet! I had run right over without paying attention, but I gradually became aware that I was surrounded by a broken circle of glass cases. I knew, even as I started to look up, that there were rats nearby. Sure enough when I straightened, I saw an albino rat looking right back at me through glass! And it wasn't alone by a long shot. I let out an involuntary scream and ran into a far corner of the store. I really hate that I'm so terrorized by something so simple but I can't help it. It took a few minutes to calm myself down and I studiously avoided that section, but then I overheard a guy admiring how large one of the rats was and discussing its appetite. I declared to Randy that I'd had enough, and we left. I was afraid that it would ruin my evening, but we had chosen our movie wisely and all was mended as we watched Ice Age 2. I can't help myself: I love Sqrat!

Feeling fat, relaxed and happy, I created this to share with you...

To Brighten Your Day

A Dream, And A Deer In Negative

Last night, for what was I hope a one-night-only event, my rat nightmares came back.

When I was sixteen, I literally came close to a nervous breakdown. That's when the nightmares about being eaten alive by rats began, and I had them almost every night. That's how I developed a true phobic fear of the creatures. Since that time, though, I rarely have rat nightmares and have come to realize that when I do have one, I'm feeling really stressed out in my waking life. Believe it or not, I truly need a dream like this to force me to acknowledge just how stressed I'm feeling. Otherwise I tend to convince myself that everything is fine; I have it all under control. Nonsense, really.

However there's another meaning ascribed to rat nightmares. I looked them up back when the dreams began. It seems that according to many dream analysts, rats represent betrayal, especially by those close to you. I think the dream I had last night was of this variety. First of all, I had been talking about betrayal by friends with my therapist yesterday, secondly though I've felt mildly stressed it really hasn't been bad, thirdly I had a certain former friend on my mind and was feeling irritated, and finally, the circumstances of the dream seem to lead in this direction...

I dreamt that I went over to a friend's house (I'll mention here that none of the friends in this dream correspond to people I know in waking life) only to be ambushed by three of them. They had decided in their infinite wisdom that I needed to get over my fear of rats, and one of them had 3 pet rats handy. So they jumped me as soon as I came through the door, tied me up and gagged me with duct tape. Then they took the rats and put them on me! My arms and legs were bound so I couldn't even try to sweep them off, nor could I find relief in screaming because of the gag. It was horrible! Worse, though the rats were tame my writhing scared them and they started to claw and bite me in their efforts to stay on me.

Let's just say that my friends' plan was a resounding failure.

It ended there and I went on to lucidly dream other dreams, but the rat dream tainted everything else. I knew that I was dreaming and that the rat nightmare had also been a dream, but I felt constantly uneasy for fear that rats might appear once more. Nasty, and my skin still crawls every time I think about it!

So let's talk about something more pleasant.

Randy and I heard reports of a white deer in the neighborhood. Then I heard that it wasn't pure white. It's something like 75% white with large brown spots. It's making regular appearances not far from my house so Randy and I grabbed our cameras this evening to find it. We were successful! It is beautiful in its uniqueness. I took some shots with my digital but was unhappy with the way they turned out. I had my Pentax with me but it was loaded with B&W film, so that won't be developed for about a week. When the photos come back I'll see if I have anything to show you. Randy said he heard of something even stranger: a white doe and her equally white fawn just over the border in New York state. I'm not sure where though, so no promises of pictures. How odd it seems to me to hear of all of these white deer all of a sudden. I thought this was supposed to be a rare mutation. I guess I was wrong.

Here's what regular deer look like in negative. Next week perhaps I'll have a photo of what one of these might look like if they stepped off the film-

Wandering the Desert

I would like to be walking through a warm, dry desert right now rather than sitting here on this cold, damp night.

B&W PhotoChallenge-Cloudy

It finally stopped raining long enough for me to take this today-

Illustration Friday-Spring

This is the post where I confess to being the Ebeneezer Scrooge of Spring. I try to be happy that Winter is ending and the world is waking once more. This is the time of year when life renews itself. What a miracle.

Bah humbug.

Because to me, this is the season when my allergies attack and I keep Alleve Sinus and Headache formula in business. That's if I'm having a good day. In Spring, my allergies often become sinus infections which leave me feeling as if every tooth on one side of my face is abscessing all at once.

So yeah, Spring is beautiful and if I lived in a bubble, I'd love it. As it is... ugh.

Therefore I chose to illustrate a different definition of the word "spring." Instead, I've painted a horse as it springs over a chasm. Enjoy.

B&W PhotoChallenge-Shadow

Photo Friday-Metallic

Long, Good Day

Today was one of those long days that are exhausting but satisfying. The workers showed up and sanded the cabin floor. I felt badly for them because as luck would have it there were three coats of paint on it- one a hideous shade of blue!- and all of the paint kept gumming up the sander. One of them had to return to the hardware store and rent another sander more suited to the job. I believe it was worth the effort. Well, of course I would since it wasn't my effort. However I stand by that statement. It was worth it. They've also fixed the spots where the floor had begun to warp, so there are no longer rippling waves in it. Next they'll patch the hole in the floor. I am one happy woman.

This afternoon I went hiking with a friend and her dog Sam along part of the Appalachian Trail. It was a steep climb in some areas but I really enjoyed myself. It was an absolutely gorgeous day out and the company was excellent. It was fun to watch Sam's furry little body run ahead, nose to the ground and vibrating with excitement as she tracked anything and everything. It was great to breathe the fresh air and just Be.

Once I returned home and rested for a bit, it was my Sam's turn for a walk. I gradually became aware of the sound of cars racing at Limerock Race Track. The usually harsh buzz of the engines was softened by distance into little more than a loud drone and it dawned on me that Spring really is here. Another year, another season at the track begins.

Not long after Sam and I got home I had to go out once more. Dad had invited me out for dinner. We went to a nice restaurant and talked about local politics, Walmart and Grammie, just to name a few. After dinner I dropped Dad off at his apartment and went home to wait for another friend to come over for the evening. We haven't seen each other in a while due to conflicting schedules and it was fun to catch up, even though I was pretty tired. Sitting here now I realize that I really need to get to bed soon, so off I go.

I came across this old photo of a dam tonight and thought I'd share it with you. I posted it a few years ago here, but since then I've deleted those archives, so the majority of you have never seen it. Anyway, Randy and I stumbled across this dam during a hike outside of Nashville, TN.