MIL's Birthday

Today was my MIL's birthday, but I didn't see her. I spoke with her on the phone but she's a workaholic and was booked all day and evening. She didn't feel like making a big deal out of her birthday. So she'll swing by either today or tomorrow to get her card and presents. I made her a bookmark and I painted her card. The pig is super soft and is not meant as a personal comment. She has a thing for pot bellied pigs and desperately wants one for a pet. Unfortunately for her, Randy's father won't let her get one. I swear sometimes I half expect a pig to turn up in our backyard, MIL having decided to get one and keep it here! For now though she's content with pig-themed gifts instead.

I've got a long day tomorrow/today, beginning with the workers coming over to sand the cabin floor. I think I'll try to get to bed earlier tonight if I can manage it. I'm heading off now to read all of your blogs, and then it's bedtime for me. I'm turning into a zombie lately. But underneath the exhaustion I'm happy and excited by the progress being made. :0)

An Update In Pictures

Now that some progress is being made in the cabin, I thought I would share it with you. The ceiling is pine, tongue-in-groove boards. Though I prefer stain to paint when it comes to wood, the room had been painted previously so stain was really out of the question. I lucked out however. One coat of paint was enough to cover places which had to be puttied, yet it was thin enough to allow the natural grain of the wood to come through a bit as though it had been stained instead of painted. Lovely! The log walls and beams will be painted to match, and the chinking will be patched and painted (off-white) as well. These things, however, are things that we plan to do ourselves when the workers have done the more difficult projects.

Just to remind you of what it looked like before (sorry for the photo quality):

Here's the ceiling now:

Anybody want to throw a hoe-down? I have the perfect place, complete with sawdust...

Actually, the bar will be hanging out at the dump soon, and the Coors dart board will probably be thrown in a tag sale. I'd rather have a dart set that didn't advertise beer, especially Coors. :0P

Next up on the project list, slated to begin on Friday-

The cabin floor will be sanded down and repaired in one or two places. Randy and I will stain or paint, depending on the condition of the wood, after the workers are gone.

Dogs, Cats and Polar Bears.

Sam's hips continue to bother him and though he spends most of his time on one of the couches, sometimes I witness him slowly and painfully lowering his hind quarters to the floor as he lies down there. He's on Rimadyl for the pain, but it doesn't really seem to help consistently. So Randy and I decided to buy him a more expensive dog bed, one with an egg crate foam mattress tucked inside a really soft exterior. Only I must have made a mistake because Sam won't sleep on it. Instead Wheezy has claimed it as her own. She attacks Randy and I when we try to lie down on it and call Sam over. I thought I was buying a dog bed, but it would appear I bought a cat bed instead. Oh dear.

As part of my attempt to stay awake while the workers were here today, I decided to experiment with my new watercolor pencils. While trying to decide what to paint this image popped into my head, so here you go.

Insistent Message?

This is not an entry for everyone. I know that most people scoff at the supernatural or anything that vaguely resembles it. If this describes you, perhaps you should continue on to the next link in your blog roll and check back with me tomorrow.

It begins with that strange feeling of being watched, but it wasn't truly uncomfortable. I just had a nagging sense that I was being observed. I looked up and out my window only to see a large hawk perched on a tree branch across the yard looking back at me. In all of my years here, I've never seen a hawk in my yard, and while I have seen hawks in the sky I've never seen one that looked quite like this. It was grey and white with a splash of yellow. It has now appeared outside my window twice lately and takes my breath away each time with its majestic beauty. You might wonder what this has to do with anything. The thing about this hawk other than its unusual appearance in my vicinity is that is largely resembles the hawk illustrated in my Druid Animal Oracle cards. More later.

Now then, as most of you know I like to run on my treadmill every other night. Due to the work going on in the cabin I've had to shift some furniture around and my treadmill wound up in my home office with me. It used to be in the livingroom, where the books are kept in an enclosed bookcase. Here in my office, however, the majority of my books are on open shelves. Therefore when some things fell off of one on my bookcases the first time I ran in here, I really didn't think too much about it. Obviously I didn't have them securely placed and the vibrations from my feet pounding on the treadmill must have bounced those things off the shelf. Upon further inspection after my run, I discovered that what had fallen was a ceramic mask my brother had made for me, and my Druid Animal Oracle card set.

The second time I ran in here I made sure the mask was secure and that my books were pushed back further. Yet halfway through my run, the Druid Animal Oracle cards hit the floor again. I frowned, feeling fairly sure that I had pushed them back far enough. Next time, I vowed, they would not fall.

Which brings me to tonight. I very deliberately made sure that the card box was lying flat and well back from the edge. If anything, it seemed to me that they might fall off behind the bookcase. I mounted my treadmill and began my workout. Five minutes later the cards were on the floor again! I took this to be a sign. After all, there's a hawk similar in appearance to the one I've been seeing on the cover of the card box, and three times in a row those cards fell on the floor. Three's a charm. So I looked up the meaning of the Hawk card.

Hawk- (paraphrased due to copyright)- essentially means that one is ready to let go of the past while allowing you to connect to your roots, allowing you to put everything into perspective so that you can move on. With this new sense of self comes inspiration, enthusiasm and confidence.

Yeah me!

Then I randomly pulled a card to see if there was a further message for me. I drew the Ram:

Ram- this card also discusses putting down roots and finding stability, providing a foundation for overcoming and achieving. You'll find the inner strength you need to succeed yet remain grounded and down to earth. Be patient and attend to daily needs as well as future goals.

This is good news given my current ambitions to return to college and carve out a better life for myself.

I guess the Powers The Be want me to get off my backside and send away for my transcripts so that I can mail in my college application...

cover of card box

the Ram

Illustration Friday-Monster

I think the worst monsters are those which live in the mind

Update-Grammie

Further proof- as if I needed it- that the local hospital sucks:

When Grammie arrived in the ER yesterday, Dad stayed with her. She has stage 2 pressure sores on her back, buttocks and the backs of her legs and heels. The ER left her flat on her back for 4 hours! When Dad asked someone to re-position her the nurse tried to tell him that the sores were typical of the nursing home and not to worry about it.

A) the sores are not typical of the nursing home at all, and that comment was completely unprofessional and inaccurate.
B) she received the sores during her last visit to the hospital a couple of weeks ago.
C) Dad is a nurse and knows that bed sores are definitely something to worry about.

Mom spent hours with her today. She positioned Grammie and then went home for a while. When she returned 5 hours later, Grammie had not been moved even a little! Mom had left her positioned in such a way that had Grammie moved Mom would know it. And over the course of the day, Mom watched nurses, nursing assistants, and various tech people come in and handle Grammie all without once washing or even sanitizing their hands! Not a single person washed their hands before or after handling my grandmother. She's being treated for pneumonia. Who knows what is being spread from room to room in that hospital!

Those people are unbelievable.

Despite their efforts to kill her, she's hanging in there. I think Mom and Ashley are hoping they'll transfer Grammie back to the nursing home tomorrow. The staff love her and will pay more attention to her. Grammie will eat, but she can't feed herself. The hospital staff don't seem very interested in making more than a cursory attempt to get her to eat or drink. Mom and Ashley both work at the nursing home- Ashley works on Grammie's floor- and can keep an eye on her.

The truth is though that no matter where Grammie is tomorrow, she is rapidly deteriorating. It's time to start saying good-bye. She opened her eyes briefly yesterday and in her fevered and alzheimer's-ridden brain, she thought I was her late sister Evelyn. I didn't contradict her; I just held her hand, smiled and told her I was there. She drifted back to sleep, her breath rattling in her chest. Next to my mother, Ashley is the best with Grammie. She's even better with Grammie than Dad and his sister are. Our Ashley is wonderful with the elderly residents and they all love her. So does the nursing staff. She's sweet, cheerful and handles everything that comes up with humor. Not bad for a 15 yr. old, eh? And as long as I'm bragging about siblings I should mention that my brother Drew is doing a wonderful job painting the cabin ceiling. He's having to clamber around on scaffolding and he's doing an excellent job. Neat, no drips and cutting in nicely. On the other hand, he's not great with Grammie. It's not that he doesn't care but rather that he doesn't know how to express it. It hurts him to see her that way so he withdraws and hangs back. Dad is the same way. It's the women in the family who fuss over her and pamper her as much as possible. Most of the time she doesn't know who we are, and that's ok. I knew that was going to happen. It's simply harder for some in the family than others.

Grammie is still with us for now though, and I believe we'll all be making a greater effort to spend more time with her. There doesn't seem to be much left.

Not As Planned, But OK

So much for sleeping in. We woke up at 6am to the sound of knocking inside our walls. Upon investigation Randy discovered that our water pump had sprung a leak! Fortunately it was kind enough to do so on the oustide of the house, so no internal damage done. The repairmen came during the day and found that it had rusted through in two places; they had to replace the pump. In the meantime, I had no water and a desperate need for a shower. Pulling a hat low over my head to cover my lank hair, I went to my mother's house. As luck would have it she had plenty of water and was willing to share it with me. After all, I was due to take her out for lunch for her birthday, and I'm sure she didn't want my stench co-mingling with her food, so it was in her best interest to loan me her bathroom for a while. *G* The upshot is that we have a brand-new water pump that will last us for years to come, and I got to spend even more time with my mother. That's pretty cool.

We all spoiled mom as much as possible. She loved all of her presents and was really touched by the way we fussed over her. She's asked me to make a couple of bookmarks for her to give as gifts to some friends, so that's nice. And she couldn't believe I located a copy of that old Masterpiece Theater program for her. She kept picking it up and looking at it over and over again. The only cloud on our day was that my grammie- in the nursing home with alzheimer's- became very sick. She's running a fever and was taken to the hospital where she's being treated for pneumonia. She also has pressure sores because she refuses to get out of bed or let anyone move her. We're worried about her, but at least she's in a good place and is getting treatment. Hopefully the new day will bring news that she's improved.

Slated for today is the return of the workers in my cabin, a repair visit from the cable man, a meeting in the afternoon followed by my brother Drew coming over to start painting the ceiling in the cabin. Busy day without much sleep. I also have to return a couple of important phone calls I missed while out with my family. One was really not such a big deal, but I'm worried about the second one. It may have been someone calling for help re: alcohol or drugs. She's the daughter of the woman who helped me when I decided to get sober, so it's especially important to me to help her if that's what she needs. She (the daughter) has never called me before and I know she's been in and out of trouble, but I don't know for sure what 's going on. It may have nothing to do with an addiction problem. I won't know until I call her later this morning.

So here's hoping that the day brings news that grammie is improving and that my friend's daughter just wants to ask me an easy question. Let's also hope that we all have an excellent weekend!

Musical Meme

I found this musical meme at Blogography, and I thought some of you might enjoy doing it. It isn't really my thing, so I think I'll just post the challenge for you to do, if you like:

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs...
1. Are you male or female?
2. Describe yourself.
3. How do some people feel about you?
4. How do you feel about yourself?
5. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend.
6. Describe your current significant other.
7. Describe where you want to be.
8. Describe how you live.
9. Describe how you love.
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?
11. Share a few words of wisdom.
12. Now say good-bye.

Current Ups and Downs

I think I may need to find a new home group for my AA meetings. After last night's meeting we had our monthly "business meeting," where members discuss any issues we're having, volunteer for service positions, etc. Anyway, at last night's meeting someone suggested making a change to the way we run our meeting that goes against my fundamental belief in how AA works. Unfortunately, the suggestion received quite a bit of support. There's going to be more discussion but it seems likely to pass. If it does, I'm going to find a new home group. I respect that this is how they want the meeting to be, and their right to run it that way if they want. But I can't be a part of it if they do. It's just sad because that's the first meeting I ever went to and I see a lot of people I really like there. However I suspect that if they do adopt this plan of theirs, the people I like will stop going anyway. I'll just have to see them elsewhere. But I'll still have my other meetings, and I have some ideas for a substitute for the loss of this one if it comes to it. It'll be ok.

So that was the down side. Here's the up:

Today is my mother's birthday! She and Randy are my absolute best friends. Though like anybody she's made mistakes in her life, I so admire and respect her. Hers is the voice I hear in my head when my conscience speaks to me, and while that's annoying it's kind of nice too. When I think of the type of person I want to be, she is usually the first to pop into my head. I bought her that video she wanted (old Masterpiece Theater version of A Town Like Alice) and made her a bookmark and a card. I also wrote her a more personal letter tucked into the card, from daughter to beloved mother. I'm taking her to lunch, Ashley is treating her to a manicure in the afternoon, and then all of us are taking her out for Thai food tonight, per her choice. We'll go back to her house afterwards for cake and presents. Andrew, whose artistic ability blows anything I do out of the water, drew something for her. I haven't seen it yet but can't wait to. Today should be fun!

Adding to my generally upbeat mood at the moment is the fact that the workers aren't coming today, so I'll actually be able to sleep until 11! They've had me up at 8 every morning, though I still haven't been able to get to bed any earlier. I've been punchy for the last two days! But the ceiling is going up nicely in the cabin. Yes, work has begun at last and I'm happy! So what if I can't do everything I wanted right away? It'll get done and I can do easy cosmetic things to make my house prettier in the meantime. Everything's going to be fine, including me.:0)

Fat Man Walking

While skimming my BBC start page I discovered the story of Fat Man Walking. Steve Vaught is an overweight ex-marine who realized one day that if he didn't do something about his weight, he was going to die and leave behind wife and children. So he has begun to walk from California to New York in an effort to "lose weight and regain my life!" So far I've read of his struggles with blisters, tendons in the knees and kids throwing rocks or drink cups at him. I've also read of people driving out of their way to meet him, to walk with him, sometimes to offer him a meal, a shower and a bed for the night. Great stuff!

He's somewhere in Pennsylvania now I think, and has documented his trip from the beginning. I'm reading it now. The recent publicity his endeavor has attracted means that if you followed the link above, you probably received a message saying that the site has been overwhelmed by visitors and to check back. However if you click on the "journal" link, you too will be able to read about the challenges he's faced so far, and continue to read along as he approaches his goal.

It's pretty cool. I'm just a little annoyed that I had to hear about it from a British news service instead of a US media source...

Inspiration Comes Late

I was going to do this a couple of weeks ago for Illustration Friday's topic "Insect," but I never got around to it. This idea has stayed with me however, so I've chosen to do it now anyway. The environment has been on my mind lately.

This is a wholly digital image. The original dragonfly photo came from The Digital Dragonfly Museum, where you can learn more about dragon/damselflies.

Staying Afloat

I continue to feel overwhelmed. The other day I heard news of an accident at a local construction site. I've just learned that the man who fell off a building is a friend of mine. In fact, I used to babysit him when I was a teenager. He's now grown with a wife and two small girls, still in infancy. Their daddy is currently in a medically-induced coma, scheduled for spinal surgery later this morning. The doctors have already concluded however that he'll never walk again.

The same day I learn of this, I find out another friend's grandmother, with whom we are also friendly, has just been sent into the hospital again. Her health is failing rapidly. I worry for my friend when his grandmother dies. His parents abadoned him as a child and she's the one who raised him; his mother was going to put him up for adoption otherwise. He now lives with his grandmother to take care of her, and this is hitting him hard. He's one of Randy's best friends.

Then- and this is much less important- there's the way my plans for the house continue to unravel. I think we've finally worked things out, making lots of concessions but with satisfactory results. Not my dream house, but certainly improved. Still, every time I spot something or remember something else that isn't going to get done, it's a little depressing. It probably wouldn't bother me near so much if it weren't for all the other things happening around us as well. Having started out mildly depressed to begin with, it's been getting worse despite my efforts.

But I keep going to meetings and talking to people about it. And in order to keep positive and moving forward, I have filled out my college application. Now I have to gather my transcripts from the various schools I've attended and send them all in. I'm applying for the fall semester, when hopefully things around the house will have settled down and more courses will be available.

Now I have to get to bed. The workman we hired said he'd be here either this morning or Wednesday, depending on the job he's currently working on. I have to get up around 8:30 to make sure I'm up and about if he shows up. That's going to be the ugliest part of me and home improvements: getting me out of bed in the (actual) mornings.

That's just never pleasant.

New Necklace

My latest, made for Randy's older sister Pam. It's choker length, silver with amethyst-colored Swarovski crystals.

My Bad Side Pays A Visit

I regressed into Queen Baby mode on Thursday, having a tantrum and sulking because I can't have my own way.

I wrote the other day about all of the supplies which were delivered for home improvements, and about scheduling a meeting with someone to start working. He came over and the meeting went well. He's going to call us this week when he finishes the project he's working on now. So far, so good. I felt myself getting really excited over the plans and visualizing all of the many projects that are going to turn this house around. I asked Randy how much money we have left for everything, and he cheerfully told me that we still had lots. Then he named a figure which made me realize fully that my husband has no concept of how much everything costs. We only have money to do about a third of the things that need to get done. All of the beautiful dreams for the house that I've been elaborating on over the winter have just dissipated like smoke in front of a fan. It was at this point that I acted like a brat, blaming Randy for the loss of my vision. I turned cold and shut him out emotionally while I shut down internally. I let the poor man go to work knowing that I was miserable. The worst of it is that the cabin is getting done, and that was my biggest wish. The huge windows in the living room will also be removed and replaced with energy efficient bay windows. But the sheetrocking of walls and ceilings, and the replacement of the flooring in the rest of the house, will not get done. There certainly won't be any new furniture. I waited until Randy left for work that night, and then I cried. I blew it all out of proportion in my head, even going so far as to blame fate for depriving me once more of a dream, and thinking that perhaps it isn't worth hoping to go to college because something will just come along to snatch that away from me too.

You can see I got a little ridiculous.

Fortunately this only lasted about 5 or ten minutes and then I realized just how big an ass I was being. I called Randy and apologized; none of this was his fault. I'm the one who chose the expensive new car. I'm the one who allowed her imagination to exceed common sense. He didn't know all that was going on in my infantile brain. By the time he came home I had prioritized what needed to be done with the money we have and had come up with a plan for work to be done a little at a time in the future to cover the rest of the projects. It will all get done eventually, just not right away the way I wanted it to happen. To be honest I'm still a bit depressed over it, but hopefully that too will ease with time and I'm certainly not upset with Randy over it. I really do need a good swift kick in the ass sometimes.

See, I'm not always so sweet. But I'm working on it.

B&W PhotoChallenge-Sea or Lake

One end of a frozen lake. I love how the ice thins into nonexistence in places...

Has Anyone Seen My Eye?

Last night I dreamed that a Bad Guy needed my eye, so he scooped my right eye out with a spoon. It didn't hurt but I was very annoyed because I felt that I really would rather keep both of my eyes. He left as soon as he had it, so I had to look for him. I occasionally saw horrified looks on people's faces and realized that I needed to close my eyelid because I was freaking everyone out with the empty socket. I could sometimes feel a breeze moving across my face and into that socket, and again it didn't hurt. It was a really strange sensation though, so a little unpleasant.

As I looked for the man, I found myself in the airport. I started to feel tense because I often dream of dying in a plane crash, and this dream was a little lucid. I say "a little" because I was aware that I was dreaming most of the time, but I couldn't seem to control it as I often can. Anyway, I found myself in an airport, and then on a plane. Though we hit turbulence, the plane didn't go down. We took off in St. Paul and landed in Minneapolis, then Detroit. I began to realize that I was on my way to Alaska. My step-father had arranged the flight, trying to get me the best deal. He saved me a lot of money, but it meant I had 6 layovers along the way! I found myself sitting in a lobby in the airport when an announcer calls last call for the flight to Moldavy and I panic because I don't know if that's my next flight or not and with my one eye I can't quite make out the ticket stub that lists all of my stops. It turns out that it isn't my flight, and I turn to see my friend Ellen standing there, holding her new dog, Danny. He's a cute little daschund. Anyway, she's complaining because he has so much energy and she's feeling worn out from chasing him. As she says this, he gets away and runs off into the airport. Ellen tears off after him and I sigh, realizing that I'm going to have to help.

Then I woke up because the phone rang.

Weird, huh?

Twinkle Toes and Bookmarks

As I stood up to get changed into my sweats for a workout, I felt the urge to stand on my tiptoes and pirouhette my way across the room. So I did, while Randy and the furry ones looked on in astonishment.

In the interests of full disclosure I should mention that I never studied ballet. It should also be noted that I occasionally bounced off the furniture in my zeal. Far from graceful, I'm sure I looked like an out of control top or a pinball. But I felt like doing it so I did. I heard Randy informing Sam that I've lost it and I pointed out that my insanity is one of my charms. It's why he married me. He agreed.

For Mom	For Ashley

I bought these silver bookmarks and then designed and created the decorations. I bought the charms from Silvermoon Jewelry, through Amazon.

Making Progress On House

Today was a Very Cool Day.

It began with the delivery and installation of our new pellet stove fireplace insert. It works beautifully, heating up the room despite the holes and gaps in chinking and windows. It looks just like a regular wood stove, and I'm so excited. It means the cabin is now heated, and that much closer to being livable again!

A couple of hours after the stove men left, we received a lumber delivery. This is the new ceiling going up in the cabin to cover the insulation. Again, bringing us closer to making that part of the house a part of our home. Not only that, but Randy had an additional surprise for me:

He bought me my very own nail gun!!!

It actually came with a staple gun attachment as well. I've wanted one ever since I started watching Trading Spaces and While You Were Out years ago. Now I have one. Oddly, when I told my mother she informed me that she's no longer coming over to my house. Oh She Of Little Faith. *G* Speaking of my mother, her birthday is coming up and I managed to track down a rare video for her online. It's used but in excellent condition. It arrived today. I'll be making her a silver bookmark with a cat charm on it as soon as the charm arrives in the mail. Mom is highly allergic to anything other than at least 14k gold, which is pricier, therefore I can't afford to make her jewelry very often. Thus the bookmark. As long as I'm talking about family, I gave Ashley some silver earrings I made to go with the silver and green necklace I made a while back, and she loved them. She told me her friends at school really like my work too, which is nice.

Mom told Randy and I about a terrific handyman who has just moved back into the area and who is looking for work. Randy called him and he's coming over Thursday evening to look at the house and decide whether or not he can help us. Of course now that everything is falling into place, the warm weather is about to break and they're calling for snow, complicating renovation plans. We'll see how things develop.

But what a great day as things start to come together!

Enough? Yes

At my meeting tonight, a young woman shared that she is just leaving rehab, starting to look for a job and finally getting her kids back. She feels so scared because she doesn't believe in herself yet. She worries that she's not together enough, not smart enough. Who will want to hire her? Will she be a good mother to her children? It should be noted that her kids weren't taken away from her; she left them with her parents while she was in the rehab.

The reason I'm sharing this is that I can still remember how it feels to be so scared, so insecure.

Nobody ever hurt me more than I hurt myself.
Nobody ever believed in me less than I did.
Nobody ever hated me more than I hated myself.

I know what it is to feel that I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough.

I know what it is to simply feel I am not enough.

The thing of it is, I still feel that way sometimes. I can still catch myself thinking those sly and nasty thoughts that whisper ugly untruths about me in my ear when I let my guard down. I'm far better at recognizing it when this happens and dismissing it for the garbage that it is. However it is insidious and sneaky and persistent. I felt its echo tonight, listening to her. I've been fighting mild depression and could feel myself sinking lower. So I think I'm going to list some things that lift me up and affirm me and the life I have now. Here they are in no particular order:

Things That Make Me Happy
1. The way that Randy smiles and shakes his head at me when I'm being silly, right before he joins in. And the way he holds me when I'm sad or scared or just need to be held. And and and...

2. The way Sam runs outside and immediately runs back in, wanting the treat he gets for going outside and doing his thing. It's this little scam he thinks he's running on Randy and I, and we indulge it. He's too skinny anyway. I also love the way he stretches out on the couch, lying his head on the cushion and arching his head back to watch me while I run on the treadmill. His eyes are very soulful, and seem to be asking me why I must do this to myself. But there, I could be projecting...

3. I have so many friends now, people who accept that I'm flawed and love me anyway. Not unlike-

4. My family. We drive each other crazy sometimes, but I love them so much. I know my siblings look up to me, and that all of my family are proud of me.

5. Patches and Wheezy, whom I've begun to refer to as Slinker and Stinker. It matches their personalities. I've had many conversations with them, none of them boring. Cats are very expressive and opinionated. Now, if I'm good enough for them then really I should be good enough for anyone, don't you think?

6. Last but not least I'm grateful for this blog. Through it I'm able to express myself and share me with any members of the world who care to drop by, and through blogging I've become friends with you good people. By acting as an outlet, this blog has brought me a lot of peace, and you have brought me a lot of joy.

5 Good Things About Me:
I'm smart
I can be funny
I clean up nice
I'm loyal
I'm loving

I think I'll let it be at that. It's enough, and so am I.

Good-bye To A Friend

Tonight marked the one-week anniversary of the death of a friend of mine. If it seems odd that I didn't blog about it before, well, it's odd to me too. In fact, I've barely spoken a word about it with anyone. I didn't bottle anything, it's not like that. I've been experiencing my sadness quietly, sifting through it. This is not how I normally cope with death though and my reaction has left me a little puzzled with myself. I'm writing now because I think I'm at a point now where I need to get some things out.

Don and I were more than acqaintances but we never spent time together outside of the meetings. However we would always make time to talk with each other and catch up on each other's lives. From the earliest days of my sobriety, I remember his kindness and his gentle demeanor. After being sober for many years, he decided that he wanted more out of life and pursued his dream of becoming a teacher. He went back to college and used to share with me the trials and joys he experienced as he chased down his dream. His face would light up when he talked about his days as a student teacher, and how challenging and rewarding he found it all. The last time I spoke with him, he was almost through with his last semester and was so excited about starting his new career. He had just graduated from college when, ironically, he was driving to an AA meeting and was struck and killed by a drunk driver who lost control of his truck. At least, that's the story I got from the ambulance squad grapevine. I don't know if official findings are out yet. His loss is perhaps all the more painful for those of us who knew him, because of the suddeness of it all. He was so happy, so full of life and the anticipation of the start of a dream. And now it's gone.

The wake was Friday and his funeral was Saturday. I didn't go. I thought about it, I really did. But I couldn't. I've only just cast off the deep depression I sank into when I lost so many in 2004 (5 deaths of family, friends and treasured pet) that the thought of going to Don's funeral almost scared me. I could feel that old depression trying to suck me down. Nobody who went will have missed me, and I spent those days thinking of him instead. I don't know whether or not I did the right thing, but I did the right thing for me. But all week long he's been the shadow driving me on while I ran off my stress on the treadmill, or the sorrow I meditated on as I tried to relax and let go. I haven't thought of him all day, every day. He does keep popping into my thoughts though, and when he does I find myself smiling a little in my sadness as I remember and honor who he was. So many people cared for him, and he did so much for others. He won't be forgotten.

Photo Friday-Red

There you go- red in more ways than one.

Prehistoric Meets Modern

Somebody in my town has a wonderfully strange sense of humor.

A couple miles from my house there's a beautifully maintained, top-of-the-line stable. The barn is gorgeous and there's a large indoor riding ring. In addition, there's several lovely, rolling pastures neatly fenced off. Today, for the first time, I noticed that amongst a few trees between paddocks there resides an almost life-size metal sculpture of a T-Rex running, pursuing prey.

Amongst the horses.

It was just so incongruous I had to laugh. Too bad I didn't have my camera!

B&W PhotoChallenge-Music

On Forced Creativity

I keep going back and forth on this, but I don't think I'm going to do the Photo or Illustration Fridays this week. I've decided that I'm simply not going to kill myself to come up with something for every topic anymore. First of all, a lot of them lately haven't inspired me (PF for the past two weeks was Masculine, then Feminine, as if you couldn't see that coming) and secondly, when I force myself to produce something that I really don't feel, it ceases to be fun. And it's supposed to be fun, otherwise what's the point? At least that's my take on it. So while I'll probably still produce something every week, I'm no longer going to kill myself to do so. Instead, I'll paint, photograph, create or write whatever I feel like.

Here's something I made for a friend of mine:

This is a lariat-style necklace, with the clasp in the front and the heart hanging down as a pendant. Blue is her favorite color. I don't know how she likes it yet; she's sick so I gave it to her boyfriend to give to her. But I like how it turned out.

De-Stressing

I was driving home today when I wound up behind a car with a bumper sticker which read something like: We should give more power to love instead of to those who love power. Or somesuch. And while I agreed with this basically peacenik message, the thoughts I directed towards the driver bordered on violent as she sped up, slowed down, swerved right and left and occasionally hit the brakes- coming to a halt- just for the fun of it.

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

Thankfully, the woman's path diverged from mine and when I was done singing "Hallelujah" I went about my day.

I received my Qigong for Stress Relief dvd. Given the drive home, some might say it arrived just in time! *G* It's quite easy to do, for those of you who are interested. It's says on the cover that the contents are 40 minutes long, but that includes the commercial at the beginning. It actually takes about 30 to do. It is a little painful for me; a couple of the exercises require flexibility in my wrist that isn't quite there. They wouldn't hurt any of you- I'm sure you can roll an invisible ball between your hands quite comfortably- but it's just about as much as I can take to perform those certain moves. Luckily, they end just when the pain gets to be too much, and the rest of the movements are a breeze. I felt very relaxed at the end of it, so it accomplished its goal. I'm satisfied. Perhaps if I keep doing those exercises that hurt me, I may regain a little more flexibility over time. If not, I'm used to my wrist hurting so it's no big deal.

Like I said, it's quite easy. My husband probably hasn't exercised since high school, and I'm sure he could do these with ease.

Speaking of Randy, last night I dreamt that we got into a fight and he told me he was tired of me and my temper. He wanted a divorce. So when Randy came home from work today I challenged him, as if he really had kicked me out of the house and told me we were through. Randy, dear man, is used to getting into trouble for the things his dream self says and does. It's become a game between us. So when throughout the evening I accused him of no longer loving me, he would reassure me that he loves me very much, and it was just a dream. I think he kind of likes getting in trouble for his misdeeds in my dreams. It's not as if he ever gets in trouble in waking life. :0)

He Had Conviction

In today's climate of fear of terrorism, Arabs and anything people don't understand, I saw a rather startling sight earlier. As I drove down the road I was following a beat-up pick-up truck, the sort with a cap over the back. The entire back of the truck, including the rear window, was covered in Pro-Palestinian/anti-Israel bumper stickers. His truck declared things like "Free Palestine" and "End Israel Now!" None of them were outright violent; it was implied. While I deplored the tone and much of the message (I support a Palestinian state, but of course not the extermination of Israel and its people!) I kind of had to grudgingly admire the audacity this person displayed in so publicly plastering his unpopular beliefs for all to see, no matter the consequence. And while his message had nothing to do with 9/11 or Osama bin Laden, I couldn't help but wonder how many times this person has been reported as a suspected terrorist? There was a certain degree of foolishness in the placement of the stickers as well, because in covering up his rear window he gave the police the excuse they needed to pull him over. He has an obstructed view. So I wonder, too, how often this person has been pulled over and received feedback on their politics? I'm willing to bet good money they've been thoroughly investigated.

Mostly I don't envy this person because it's obvious their days are filled with hate, and that's such a painful way to live.

My Memory Ran Into A Wall

I confused the dates and missed last week's B&W PhotoChallenge. The topic was Wall and, as I had the photo ready to go, I've decided to share it with you anyway even if it's too late to submit it to them.

Taken at the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee

Overdue Observation

I was listening to the television tonight while designing a necklace for a friend. As I was doing this, the Carl Sagan classic Cosmos came on. I remember watching it when it originally aired about 25 years ago. I was only allowed a certain amount of television time a day, but educational programs didn't count against my time and I often watched them. So Mom, Dad and I would sit down after dinner once a week and watch Cosmos together. I was unhappy much of the time back then, but memories such as these are happy and retain a special warmth. It should be noted as well that I developed an odd crush on Carl Sagan. He would be the first but not the last instance of me crushing on a nerdy type. I just have a weakness for them. *G*

Which is what makes it so odd that until tonight I never noticed that Carl Sagan is the human version of Kermit the Frog. Really! I don't mean his looks, I mean his voice. The next time he's on tv, just listen to him without looking. You'll hear what I mean. He sounds just like Kermit. Given the huge fan I was of both Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, it makes it even more strange that I never noticed this before. And Sagan's method of teaching was gentle, interesting and often amusing, as was Kermit's. Sagan must have listened to Kermit's song about the difficulties of being green though, as he retained his natural humanly hue. But otherwise, he's Kermit.

Wait, does this mean I had a crush on a frog?

*cue the old Peter, Paul and Mary Song:*

I'm in love with a big blue frog.
A big blue frog loves me.
It's not as bad as it appears.
He wears glasses and he's 6'3

Sam's Double Life

This evening Sam informed Randy and I that he would like a steak for dinner every night. When we enquired as to who was going to pay for this extravagence, he hit us with this bombshell: Sam is an underwear model! It's true! Have a look for yourself-

While Randy is at work and I'm sleeping, Sam has been selling his furry self. He's always been patient and goal-oriented. I guess the only question we have for him now is:

How would you like that steak prepared?

Wildlife Photography?

I snuck up on this wild grill, hibernating through the long winter months. I was very careful not to disturb its slumber. No mobile cooking appliances were harmed in the making of this photo...

Pretty Cool Company

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I had ordered a Qigong DVD from Gaiam. The reason I haven't told you more about it is because I haven't received it yet. I gave it the 10 days max that they said it might take for delivery before I started to be bothered by its continued absence, but I've been busy and haven't dwelt on it too much. However today I made up my mind to contact their customer service to find out what was going on. When I got home, though, they had already emailed me their apologies. Apparently they just discovered that they failed to process the order properly. My order is now on its way to me, and they gave me $10 off my next purchase! Not bad; I didn't have to hunt them down to gripe. They discovered their mistake on their own, admitted it and made it up to me.

That's customer service for you!

In unrelated news, I really was tired yesterday, wasn't I? Devasted? No, as much as I'd like to be able to say I'm suddenly skinny (de-vasted, get it?) that was a typo. What gets me is that I read that at least 5 times before catching it today. I guess it's true that you read what you expect to see instead of what's really there sometimes.

Life is still good.

Doctors, Monkeys And Lack Of Sleep

Yippee skippee. I'm a little sleep deprived (I only managed 2 hours last night), but that isn't a complaint. I'm a little fey from it, a not unpleasant sensation. I canceled my usual Wednesday morning appointment though so I could try to catch up on some rest. My bet is, the phone will ring all morning as a result, but at least I will have tried!

The doctor's visit went well. No stupid questions. At one point he did seem to be offering to try surgery again, but I said I wasn't interested. The first surgery didn't accomplish a thing so I don't see the point. He agreed with me, saying that some injuries are chronic and there's really nothing to be done about them. He was very kind, unlike the doctor they sent me to last year, and I didn't leave there feeling devasted or defensive. In fact, I feel fine.

I came home but couldn't sleep so I caught up on my daily blog reads. In the process I came across Spin's note to me on Alecya's site, letting me know that the Arctic Monkeys cd came out here in the US last week. Reading that, I headed out into the frigid day once more determined to obtain a copy. In retrospect, perhaps this wasn't wise. I thought I was awake and with it until I reached the large town in which the store is located. Though my eyes were wide open I quickly realized that my mind was fast asleep as I tried to navigate through the heavy traffic. I had to force myself to pay attention. I bought my copy of the cd and went straight home where I stayed safely put for the rest of the day.

I listened to my new cd on the drive home and I love it! After a quick first listen my favorite songs are "riot van" and "perhaps vampires is a bit strong but..." This is in addition to "I bet you look good on the dance floor," which ST had included in the compilation he sent to me. Thanks again, ST! :0) But I didn't hear a song that I didn't like, which is pretty amazing.

I guess that's all I have. I'm a happy woman tonight.