Remembering Greta

This is a joyful time of year. However the loss of our dog, Greta, on the afternoon of New Year's Eve last year weighs heavily on my mind tonight. She had been diagnosed with lymphoma and the cancer was taking her quickly and painfully. In the end we had no choice but to put her to sleep on New Year's Eve; we simply couldn't make her endure the pain of waiting until the holiday weekend was over for our own sakes. She was just shy of 10 years old. At this time last year, Randy was sleeping on the couch and I was curled up on the floor with our little girl, knowing that this was to be our last night with her. The pain of it broke my heart and chokes me even now remembering it. She was restless yet so tired. Her lymph nodes were so enlarged that she couldn't get comfortable for long. She knew it was her time, and I am convinced she was merely waiting for us to realize and accept it. She was ready before we were. Taking her to the vet's was the hardest thing I've had to do. When we let the vet know we were ready, he gave her the injection. It was over so quickly! I had always thought it a cliche when people said "The light faded from her eyes." But that's exactly what happened. I can still see her.

Instead, though, I like to remember her the way she was when she was alive. You'll rarely find a dog who defines "alive" as much as she. Greta had boundless energy and intelligence, and used her powers for evil whenever possible! She was difficult sometimes. She had been abused, tied to a tree without food or water as a puppy until the neighbors noticed and called the dog warden. We were taking Sam to the kennel where rescued dogs were kept because they held obedience lessons there. On this particular day, the owner told us he had a dog he wanted us to meet. He brought out "Bessy," a 7 month old puppy straining at the leash to explore the world around her, including Randy, Sam and I. We fell in love with the little peanut- though really she was a good sized dog- and since Sam liked her, we agreed to adopt her. But I hated the name "Bessy" as I thought it sounded more like a cow, and we changed her name to Greta.

The lack of love or attention in her life left her seeking these things for the rest of her days, even if only negative attention. We rapidly realized it was a big mistake to leave food, drinks or remote controls within reach if we had to leave the room even for a moment. As for the kitchen, we had to child-proof it. She soon figured out how to open all of the drawers and cupboards within reach. The little minx even figured out that if she threw her weight against the 'fridge, things on top often fell down. Likewise the upper cabinet whose magnet had worn out. If she threw her body against the lower cupboards, the vibration often popped open the upper cabinet door and anything packed in too tightly would fall within reach. She could (and did!) chew through unopened cans of tuna and she shredded soda cans. I used to say she was part goat! Also part aardvark, as she'd get up on her hind legs, hook her front paws on the countertop, crane her neck and with what seemed to be an abnormally long tongue, scoop things off the counter that we shoved against the back wall, mistakenly thinking she wouldn't be able to reach it there! Randy had good reason for referring to her as Mischief Mutt!

But there was another side to her too. When I was sick, she curled up with me and watched over me. When I cried, she'd rest her head in my lap and lick away my tears from my cheeks. Every night, about an hour before he went to bed, Greta would pin Randy down on the couch and wash his hands and arms until he met some unknown criteria for clean that only she understood. She was so funny and so cute that it was hard to keep a straight face when scolding her sometimes! Her curiosity and zest were boundless. She used to follow me around, keep tabs on me. While I was here at my computer, she would lay on the floor next to me. Sometimes I feel as though she's still there. I'll see a shadow out of the corner of my eye and know it's her. I don't look; I know I'll only see the floor. But I sense her just the same. I've dreamt about her a couple of times as well, brief dreams where she came to visit me next to the bed while I slept, just to let me know she's well and happy. I'm not entirely sure they're dreams. It's a happier thought to believe they're not.

So this New Year's I'll think of the good this past year has brought, and the lessons I've learned. I'll dream of what I hope for the future. Mostly, though, I'll be thinking of the little dog who has forever left her paw prints on my heart.

A Meme of Sevens

In case some of you were wondering, the good people at Photo Friday scheduled this past week off. This is why I have not posted a new Photo Friday entry. They are due back with a new topic tomorrow.

My good friend LazyGal has tagged me with a meme. I'm a sport, so here you go:

Seven things I plan to do before I kick the can:
1. Figure out what I want to be when I grow up
2. Finish fixing up my home and garden
3. Travel to Europe, Russia, Australia, New Zealand and return to Alaska
4. Learn to relax
5. Lose weight and keep it off
6. Stop feeling so shy
7. Believe in myself more

Seven things I can do:
1. Act
2. Sing
3. Write
4. Photography/Art
5. Help others
6. Love and care for people and animals
7. Sleep

Seven things I can't do:
1. Anything that puts a strain on my left wrist.
2. Math or any science involving math
3. Apply myself to anything that doesn't interest me
4. Lie
5. Remember things unless I write them down
6. Be anywhere near a rat
7. Drink alcoholic beverages

Seven things that attract me to another person:
1. Intelligence
2. Sense of humor
3. Kindness
4. Generosity of spirit
5. Love of books/reading
6. Love of animals
7. Curiosity and appreciation for the world around us all

Seven things I say most often:
1. Sammy-Angel-Baby-Darling (he's spoiled)
2. Daddy's home! (unnecessary announcement to the pets each night)
3. Ok
4. F*ck (often followed by a stream of other foul words)
5. Just don't fart (when man or dog settle on couch with rear facing towards me)
6. Did you see __?
7. Um

Illustration Friday-Holiday

Just a little something I threw together at the last minute for Illustration Friday. This is the sort of holiday I wish I was on right now...

Nice Time

The visit with the relatives went very well. They were here mainly to see our grandmother, the one with Alzheimer's. Grammie usually doesn't remember who most of us are anymore, but she was pretty sharp today. She at least knew that she knew us even if she had trouble keeping track of who we were exactly, and was so touched by the little party we threw for her in the recreation room of the nursing home. She has mobility issues and rarely leaves the place now. She doesn't want to. All that mattered to her today was that she was surrounded by her children, her grandchildren and even her great-granddaughter. Grammie laughed and smiled and was purely happy. Sometimes you can tell that she's smiling and playing along, but really not sure of what's going on. I didn't see any of that from her today, though, and it was wonderful to see her thoroughly enjoy herself.

So the last-minute angst was completely worth it.

Surprise! We're Here!

Ugh. My mother called tonight to let me know that the next wave of family members are showing up tomorrow! No warning, so I haven't got their gifts yet or any idea of what to get them. Guess I'm getting up early and hitting the stores. They're only here for the day, so it isn't as if I can buy myself some time. Heartless of them to show up now; they don't usually arrive until the first week of January.

Oh well. It'll be nice to see them all the same.

Now, I've completed Myst IV and have begun Myst V. I'm off to play!

Christmas Recap

Another Christmas has come and gone now, and as far as I know there are no casualties. Randy came down with a cold yesterday but got through the round of visits before dozing off on the couch so sweetly later this evening, one hand resting on Sam. A Boy and His Dog personified.

We brought smashed potatoes and dessert to contribute to Mom's turkey dinner. Dad was there; it's also his birthday. A couple of years ago he converted and became a Jehovah's Witness, so he doesn't celebrate either of today's events with gifts. It feels a little odd to see him and not give him anything at all on this day, but that's how he wants it. I got around the Jehovah's Witness ban on gifts though: I made him a pie. That he accepted. *G*

Sarah was there, but I didn't bring up the recent unpleasantness. The rest of my family deserved a nice holiday and there was no point in making a scene. I've decided to ignore my sister and her sponsor's antics, and let my character speak for itself. I didn't get Sarah a present for herself (I'd already given her some early Christmas presents weeks ago) but I bought her a gift card from a national toy store so she could get presents for her two sons. Those little boys deserve presents.

Randy and I received lots of homemade goodies. Mom bought us a weekend vacation package, a beautiful carved figurine of a couple embracing, and earrings for me. Ashley drew me a picture and Andrew painted me one, both of which I intend to frame and hang. One of my aunts gave us a beautiful handmade glass ornament, and an uncle and his wife gave us an hilarious book of letters written to God from people's pets.

Later we went to Randy's family's house. There we met with a wall of Bah Humbug. His older sister had gone already. Randy's father is usually grumpy, but his mood was downright foul. MIL says he was like this all day. In the end he mostly ignored us and watched tv.

Randy's younger sister was also "boycotting Christmas" because she couldn't afford to buy presents this year and so tried to refuse any from anyone. I grabbed up all of her presents, sat on her, and started opening them for her while making silly comments about each one. Finally she started to laugh, dumped me off her lap and opened her own!

MIL was the only one trying to enjoy the day, and she loved her gifts from us. Normally I'm the one to say it's time to go but Randy surprised me tonight by declaring it time to leave fairly early on. I think the combination of his father's bad mood and Randy's own cold left him feeling like enough was enough. So we said good-bye and came home.

We'd waited for our own gift exchange until tonight. First we gave the pets their stockings, and then curled up on the couch together with our own gifts. I think the stuffed Snoopy dog I bought Randy was his favorite. He loves the Peanuts cartoons, as do I. Part of the money from the sale went to a children's charity as well, which he appreciated. My favorite gift from Randy was the full symphonic cd set of Les Miserables. I used to have it on tape, but it was destroyed. I didn't think to ask for the cd's for Christmas- they're more expensive- but he remembered me talking about it months ago, and he found it for me. Given that he has no interest in the theater, it must have taken real effort on his part to remember the name of the show, but he did it for me. That means every bit as much as the gift itself. I love him. Best of all, it seems he loves me too!

It was, all in all, a lovely Christmas. How are you?

Happy Holidays!

Poem for You

Twas the night before the
Night before Christmas
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring
'cept me and that mouse.

In the corner there.

The stockings were hung
O'er the doorway with care
'Cuz we like when our goodies
Get caught in our hair.

We're funny that way.

I don't have a kerchief and
He doesn't wear a cap
And with all the preparations
I'm nowhere near a nap.

That's okay; I'm an insomniac.

The cheesecake is baking and
The dishes are clean but the
State of my livingroom
Shouldn't be seen.

Or my office either, for that matter.

The presents are bought
And have yet to be wrapped,
But I can't seem to care
'Cuz my energy's sapped.

And I have to finish Myst IV. Priorities.

That being said-
I'd like to be clear-
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah
And a Happy New Year!

And Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Saturnalia, Breathing. Whatever you're celebrating: enjoy!

Determined Drinker

Fuming

I'm seething tonight. I went to my AA meeting, and no less than 3 people came up to talk to me about Sarah and her sponsor Chris(tine). They wanted to reassure me that they know I'm a good girl, they trust me and believe in me, and they and everyone else just thinks Christine is nuts.

This has led me to believe that Chris and Sarah are lying about me behind my back amongst the AA people in the town they're living in. I don't know what they're saying, but it's seems to be bad enough that people are randomly coming up to me to let me know they support me and think Chris needs serious help.

I am in a cold rage.

I can't remember now if I shared here that I've heard that Chris was in an asylum until recently. Insanity I can understand, but I cannot forgive character assassination especially if my sister is involved. One person who approached me tonight told me that Chris called and asked him to meet her and Sarah at a coffee shop. She made it sound like an emergency. He gets to the shop only to learn that Chris has been listening to Sarah's manic ramblings and believes that Sarah is having Visions.

Right. You see what I'm dealing with here.

To make matters worse, I know Mom has invited Sarah for Christmas. If I have to sit across the table from her and listen to her, I just might choke. I'm that livid right now.

I'm taking deep breaths. I'm repeating the Serenity Prayer. I'm trying to detach. I'm considering the source. I've "moved a muscle to change a thought."

But I'm still angry, and needed to vent.

Photo Friday-Depth of Field

I'm not happy with this one. No matter how I tried to adjust the brightness and contrast, I simply couldn't get it right. The photo I had taken with this challenge in mind has yet to be developed though and I'm out of time. So here's my submission for this week's topic.

Illustration Friday-Imagine

This one was tough! It's such a broad topic that inspires so many thoughts. John Lennon and his song sprang instantly to mind, of course. I also had images of children daydreaming, and the things they were imagining. The things I imagine. World peace and a genuine respect for one another even when we don't agree. All sorts of things went through my mind and in the end I found it impossible to choose among them. Then I started to wonder what you would choose as your subject for this topic, and that finally gave me focus.

So here you go. I've provided the art supplies- everything you need is there even if outside the frame- for you to create your own image for "Imagine." If you're an IF participant already, what would you submit as an alternative if you had the time? This is the realm of imagination, so even if you don't think you have any artistic ability, now you do.

What would you choose to paint?

Random Day

I played Myst IV until 5 a.m. I didn't mean to, but there's no clock on my computer screen while I play the game, and it's easy to lose track of time. But this is not a post about the game.

So I stumble into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I take off my make-up finally, which probably explains why my skin has begun to break out a little. Seeing this, I get out the astringent and pour way too much on a cotton ball so that I actually have to wring the thing out. I'm not functioning so well now that I've unplugged and the exhaustion is hitting me, you see. I scrub my face with this cleanser and note the strong smell of alcohol from it. I think to myself that this scent will wear off soon, only it doesn't because I used too darn much of it in my zeal to be zit-free. At first this doesn't bother me, but as I lay in bed next to my husband, my sleep-deprived mind latches on to a thought and starts to obsess: what if Randy smells the cleanser and thinks I've been drinking??? I couldn't shake the thought, and an hour later when he got up for work I actually woke up to explain to him why I smelled of alcohol! He looked at me like I was crazy (I am) and said he believes me. He couldn't even smell the stuff! All that obsessing over nothing. I went to bed and slept well until noon. At which point I went to the pharmacy to buy a different facial cleanser. *G*

While out driving today, I noticed the ice-encrusted snow with the delicate golden remains of Crops Past, and all I could think was: that looks like coconut. Toasted coconut.

I don't even really like coconut, but there you have it.

So I returned home and decided to go into my control panel for my website and tidy up, etc., something I haven't done in awhile. While there, I checked out search terms that people used to find my site. Most of them were understandable: aravis, jazz (my IF illustration a long time ago), daffodils (a card I painted in the spring), painting. You know, nice things. Then towards the bottom of the list, I spied "man perp."

Really?

That one gave me a giggle. I'm not sure why, other than imagining the sort of person who typed "man perp" into a search engine, and their face when they wound up here instead.

Which one of you was it?

*G*

A Toy Divine

I think I've figured out why so many bad things have happened in the past few years: I threw away my Mr. Potato Head.

Let me explain.

At a meeting today we were talking about our conceptions of God, those of us who have a belief in one. Several of us shared that we aren't a member of any particular religion, but rather we like to learn from many different religions and systems of belief and assimilate it into our own image of what and who God is for us. Then one of my friends said that he likes to think of his God as Mr. Potato Head; many different parts go into making Him whole, and He's always changing.

That explains so much.

I'm going out and buying myself a new Mr. Potato Head with a big bucket of parts. Hell, I'll get a Mrs. Potato Head too if it'll help!

Breakthrough?

Slowly, tentatively, I'm breaking out of my self-imposed cell of isolation. Ever since I started to go to more meetings and see more people again, I have been gently coaxed out of my shell. Thursday night a couple I know from my AA meetings invited me to the Open House they were having for Christmas. Though inordinately frightened at the prospect of socializing with people whom I may or may not know, I really like this couple and so chose to accept their invitation. This is the first Christmas party I have gone to- outside of family events, and company Christmas parties which I don't count because I don't care about those people- in years. I was nervous all day today, silly as it might seem, but still when the time came tonight, I went.

I had a wonderful time!

As it turns out I knew most of the people, and the rest were friendly as well. There were no awkward pauses in conversation; others were quick to fill in any conversational gaps and at times it was a struggle to get a word in. That's typical of any of my family gatherings, so I felt right at home. I was able to get to know some people better, and meet some new ones. There was plenty of food and drink, laughter, jokes and even brain teasers. I thought that I was going to go to this thing and excuse myself after an hour. I was there for 4 and would have stayed longer if I hadn't needed to get home. The time just flew! It was so nice. We plan to get together again soon, and though it still makes me a little nervous to think about, I'm also really looking forward to it.

Are my days of isolating coming to an end at last? We'll see.

Strange Day

It began with a dream really. I was having a long, drawn-out dream which focused on what it is I want from certain aspects of my life, only of course it wasn't that simple. Throughout the dream there was a woman with me whom I knew to be an aunt even though I'd never seen her before. She would direct me to take a look a different things, people and situations, but just in a casually passing by sort of way. I wound up having an epiphany about my life in the dream. As soon as I did, this aunt revealed to me that she wasn't the aunt I thought she was, but rather an ancestress of mine who was sent to guide me through this difficult time. She smiled and started to fade away. As she did so, I heard an almost musical chime which came at regular intervals. She was gone, but I still heard the chiming and I started to wake up. The chiming started to remind me of a phone in the regularity of its timing, but none of our phones have that ring tone. I got out of bed to investigate.

I followed the sound into my office where, on my desk, I had left my husband's broken cell phone. It's defective and we're waiting for a replacement from the manufacturer. In the meantime, the broken phone sits on my desk. It's off, and even if turned on doesn't fully turn on/load. But this morning- after weeks of silence- it spontaneously tried to turn itself on, over and over again. Never off, always on. Once I realized that's the sound I was hearing, I picked it up and hit the on/off button. It stopped trying to switch itself on.

The combination of the dream and the broken phone left me wondering: did I just receive a wake-up call?

One Step Closer To Jolly

Most of my Christmas shopping is done, though there's still a few odds and ends. Christmas is the holiday that never ends in my family because relatives show up to celebrate with us well into January. Which is also when I was born. The winter doldrums don't usually settle in me until February as a result.

I'm still not excited about the holiday yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm especially pleased with my purchase of sapphire earrings for my mother. Normally $100, I bought them for $25. Perfect! It's good to be a procrastinator sometimes.

Have a happy!

My other favorite ornament, given to me by my MIL. The funny thing was that "Rabbit" is my own mother's pet name for me, unbeknownst to my MIL. So this was just right for me! The globe is frosted glass, the rabbit part is brass.

Searching for Spirit

This is one of my favorite ornaments. Randy and I set up our tree yesterday. I went minimalistic this year. I have many more ornaments I could have added- typical colored balls and velvet bows- but somehow this year I liked the way the tree looked with just lights and the special ornaments accumulated over the years. I took some more photos of the tree but am not overly happy with them. I'll try again another time, including a shot of my other favorite ornament.

So the house looks festive, even if I'm not feeling particularly in the mood at the moment. I still have to do most of my shopping. I plan to start tackling that tomorrow afternoon. We'll see how that goes. Maybe once that hassle is out of the way I can relax and try to find some Christmas Spirit. Or maybe I'm just a grump. I don't know. Hard to judge these things for oneself sometimes, but I'm not currently too concerned about it.

Anyway, my copy of Myst IV arrived and I feel it calling my name. Have a wonderful... night? Day? Depends on when you read this.

So just have a wonderful.

Illustration Friday-Surprise

Photo Friday-Weight

It Must Be Said

My husband is a pretty special guy.

He was rear-ended today. Nobody was hurt and his truck is fine. The same cannot be said for the Passat that lodged itself slightly under it. The couple driving in it were only 15 minutes from home after driving for 2 days when they spaced out and didn't see that Randy had stopped for traffic. Their car was badly smashed up and couldn't be driven. So after they had exchanged insurance information and spoken with the police, Randy offered the couple a ride home which they gladly took.

He's such a nice guy, I just had to share.

Oh Ghostly Night

Another Question For You

I have a tendency to isolate, which in the past has led people (my mother- she counts as plural) to point out to me that I don't exist in a vacuum. Now, I understand what was meant but my mind automatically jumped to the rather ridiculous image of me living inside the household appliance.

So on this night when I have nothing meaningful to contribute to the Blogosphere, I thought I'd ask you this: If you had to live inside a vacuum (of the household variety) which vacuum would you choose, and why? Would you go for the cheap vacuum that never sucks anything up because that means less fuss for you? Or would you rather live in a top-of- the- line vacuum that has potentially problematically excellent suction, but which also has a HEPA filtration system?

Do you get the feeling I have too much time on my hands?

Snow!

I woke to a beautiful world. There was no safe place to walk- there's no sidewalks and I couldn't get out of my driveway to get to a place where I could walk- so I decided to take some photos instead. I tried to get a shot of "Hello Bloggers" written in the snow, but it didn't turn out. Yes, I can think of other ways this might have been accomplished, but the thought of my neighbors' faces compelled me to give that a pass. Perhaps I'll use some of Randy's grape soda next time. *G* Instead, here's a couple of shots I took which will give you some idea of the storm. There was no snow on the ground prior; this happened overnight.

No picnics today

That shadow horizontally bisecting the photo is where the road is in front of my house. Only it's about a foot down...

My Sam loves me. See how he comes running, even through deep snow!

An Update

We've heard from Sarah.

Mom called today to let me know that Sarah has turned to the Susan B. Anthony Project for help. They're good people; I went to them myself years ago. They've put her up in one of their shelters, are shuttling her to her psychiatric appointments, paying for her meds and even took her to UConn Medical Center for some dental work. Her ex-boyfriend - against whom she is supposed to testify- turns out to be a truly frightening sociopath who wouldn't hesitate to have her killed if she testifies against him in his upcoming trials (drug trafficking, counterfeiting, attempted murder). The people at SBA Project are used to dealing with this type of man. Perhaps she can find some of the help she needs there.

Me? I'm just glad to know she's safe. Tomorrow there's supposed to be a big snowstorm. I'm going to curl up with a good book, or maybe take a long walk through the snowy silence, and try to soak up a little of nature's serenity.

Avatars Here

Sorry! I didn't pay attention when I copied and pasted their code and I thought a link to them was built in. If you'd like to create an image of yourself- or whomever!- make your own here. Just click where it says "Click to Begin" and you're on your way.

It's Me. Sort Of.

It's me again. Just for fun I made this avatar after seeing LazyGal's and Karmon's. You can make your own too. You can even add a fox tail to your character, if you're so inclined. ;0)

Yes, I'm a Dork

Still no news about Sarah since Sunday, so I try not to think about it. Moving on...

I was excited. I bought Myst V- End of Ages the other day as a special treat. The problem is that I've just realized I never played Myst IV- Revelations, which I didn't know existed! I thought that Uru- Ages Beyond Myst was the fourth. Instead it would seem to be a spin-off. Upon further research I discovered that Myst IV came out last September when I was in that crashing depression and barely functioning.

So now we've established how I could have missed it's release to my satisfaction. But I can hardly start playing Myst V before playing Myst IV. Well, I could but I would know I was missing out and my OCD tendencies simply wouldn't allow it. So I've uninstalled Myst V and ordered Myst IV; it's not in any of the local stores. I can't wait till it gets here! Yes, I'm sad. But at least I can admit it.

I also finally upgraded from my ancient version of Paint Shop Pro 6.01 to PSP X. It's so cool! I wasn't feeling well today and stayed home from my meeting, so I've been playing with it all night. I've come up with more wondrous things than this Biker Santa, but this was the most fun and fitting to my mood. It made me think of Jamie, who often comments here. So Jamie, this Santa's for you!

Illustration Friday-Blue

I wasn't sure what to do this week. Colors as topics just don't inspire me very much. Then as I was driving along today I heard that Billy Joel song about Leningrad, which started me thinking of my love of Russian history and culture. Shortly thereafter this image popped into my head and I decided to run with it. It's as simple (or as complicated) as that. The wolf didn't make the transfer to digital gracefully; it's missing details the real watercolor provides. Oh well.

On a side note, my apologies to my IF friends whom I've neglected lately. Life is beginning to calm down a little and I should be able to make the rounds once more. Thanks for your patience!

Photo Friday-Experimental

I experimented with a photo of Patches, and liking the results decided to submit it for this week's topic.

UPDATE

I thought it would be fun to go back and share with you the process the photo underwent:

Original image

Same shot with "Glowing Edges" effect applied. I then turned this image into a Negative to come up with the final piece.

The Day After

I woke up from what little sleep I managed last night and was disturbed to see that it was snowing. I knew that Sarah had checked herself out of the hospital- Dad called to let me know earlier- and though she was supposed to be going to a shelter I knew it was even likelier that she would start wandering the streets despite the storm. As it turns out, when Dad told her nobody would be coming to get her and she can't come home until she's gone to rehab, she got that awful sponsor of hers to come pick her up. Instead of taking her to the shelter, the sponsor is housing her, at least for tonight. They were going to go to Dad's apartment this evening to pick up some of Sarah's things. I've no idea whether or not Sarah took her meds for her bipolar disorder with her when she left the hospital. She didn't like them, and might well have chosen to leave them behind. That could be bad, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I just keep reminding myself to let go. Like me, she has a Higher Power and I'm not it. I was a wreck for the first half of the day, but after speaking with my mother and then sharing about everything at a meeting, I feel lots better. People shared their own experiences with Crazy Sisters- who knew there were so many?- and I felt some of that weight sliding off of my chest. I know I've done the right thing. It just wasn't the easy thing, of course.

Thank-you for all of your support and encouragement. I really can't tell you how much it means to me.

It Didn't Take

Bad night.

I took Sarah to the Saturday night meeting we've been going to together. Her sponsor goes there. Sarah and I got into an argument on the drive over as she informed me that I can't stay at meetings she chooses to go to because she can't admit that she's an alcoholic or drug addict to other people in front of me. So I'm supposed to drive her 30 minutes out of my way and forego my own meeting. I said no, I wasn't going to stop attending meetings for her sake; I need to stay sober too. We each have meetings that we go to without one another, so it's not as if I'm in her face all the time. We got through that, and she told me that her sponsor was giving her a ride home. Fine with me.

We get to the meeting and her sponsor makes her sit at the table at the front of the room where the chairperson and speaker sit, facing the rest of the room. Her sponsor was the chairperson, and for one horrible moment I thought she was going to force Sarah to be the speaker. Sarah has only admitted to being an alcoholic at one meeting so far. I could see Sarah was terrified. Thankfully the speaker showed up, but her sponsor made her sit up there facing everyone anyway. For those of you not in the program, this is not at all normal. I bit my tongue, figuring that this woman had some sort of method in mind. Next she volunteered Sarah to speak at a meeting on New Year's Eve. My sister doesn't even have 2 weeks sobriety, and she's being forced to speak whether she wants to or not. I'm having serious misgivings now about this sponsor, knowing that no matter what Sarah says, she won't show up to speak. I also thought it was pretty rude to assume I would drive Sarah to speak that night. I wouldn't have. Next she tried to force Sarah to read something in front of everyone. I could hear Sarah repeatedly telling this woman that she has dyslexia very badly and can't read, yet the woman tried about 5 times to make Sarah do it anyway. She finally gave up, which was a good thing because I was getting very angry at this point. Being forced to read out loud would have been humiliating for my sister, and totally uncalled for.

As the meeting progressed and the speaker was sharing his story, Sarah was doing her usual thing of constantly talking to herself and him, quietly. She was manic; she couldn't help it. He put up with it well. Some people were laughing or snickering at my sister though, and she finally got up and walked out about halfway through. At first I thought she went to the bathroom. When she didn't come back, I figured she was outside smoking. But she never came back in. She was gone for almost 30 minutes. After the meeting I spoke briefly with her sponsor, who told me that she was giving Sarah a ride and not to worry about anything. Sarah's purse was on the floor and she said she'd give it to her. So I left. As soon as I stepped outside I saw Sarah surrounded by 3 men, 2 of whom were holding her up. She couldn't stand on her own or talk without slurring. One of the men went to get her sponsor, but came back without her. Her sponsor told him that I had abandoned Sarah and she was left to give her a ride home. The guy, knowing me well on top of having just spoken to me, knew that wasn't the case and told her so. The sponsor refused to come speak to Sarah, and sent her purse out instead. The guys asked me what I wanted to do. Sarah was alternately crying hysterically or being truly obnoxious to me. I told them to load her into my car. I would take her home. One offered to follow me to make sure we made it alright but I told him we'd be ok.

On the ride home, I suddenly realized I couldn't hear her breathing anymore. I called out to her and she didn't respond. I pulled over and checked for a pulse but couldn't find one. However the angle she was in wasn't conducive to checking accurately. I started to shake her, cursing myself for sending that man home. Just when I was about to call for an ambulance, she woke up. She could barely talk at first, and then when she could I wished she wouldn't. She was abusive the rest of the drive home, insisting that she hadn't taken/drunk anything while I was in the meeting. I know she's lying, but she refuses to admit it. She repeatedly tried to smoke in my car and I told her if she did she could get out and walk the 8 miles home. Except of course for the fact that she couldn't even stand without help. By the time I got her home to dad she was much more awake, angry and abusive. When she realized I planned to go upstairs and talk to dad she tried to slam the door in my face. It didn't work. She tried to keep me from climbing the stairs to his apartment. I went up anyway. She stormed into the apartment, threw her things on the floor and stomped into the livingroom while telling me to leave. Dad, naturally, was curious as to what was going on. So I informed him of the night's events, including that terrible time in the car when I was afraid she was dead. Sarah kept trying to deny it, but she was slurring still. Dad has had enough. We all piled into my car and took her to the hospital and had her admitted for detox. She finally admitted to drinking a pint of vodka this afternoon, but still won't tell me what she took tonight after she walked out of the meeting. The hospital was doing a tox screen though, so they'll pick it up whatever it was.

She's really not happy with me tonight, and I find that I don't care about that. I've told dad that I'm done. I'm not taking her to anymore meetings; she needs a treatment center. I just can't do this anymore. He understood and agreed with me. I feel like I have some wracking sobs inside me now, wanting to come out. But for some reason, I can't seem to let go. Instead they sit in my chest and burn behind my eyes, waiting. Sorry. I know that sounds melodramatic. It's just how I'm feeling right now.

Dad is done too, or so he says. He's going to help her get into a shelter, but he wants her out of his home.

I'm so tired, and I'm hurting so much for her. But there's nothing I can do. This isn't something I can do for her, and it would seem I was right the first time. She hasn't found her bottom yet.

Silhouette

I was playing, and I liked the way this turned out.

My Brother's Re-Emergence

I had sort of an amazing day today.

My brother asked me if I could take him Christmas shopping in a neighboring town. The moment we walked into the new snowboard/skate shop, the women who own it lit up. Though they haven't been open long, they've already come to know Drew. The entire time we were there, they were expressing a wish that they could offer him a job, but that they have no openings right now. He wasn't looking for a job and hadn't even mentioned it. After my brother's troubles of the past, it was wonderful to see him so well-liked and respected for his knowledge and opinions. I didn't say much, just hung back and watched while they discussed things beyond me. It was just such a joy to witness.

Afterwards, he bought me a cup of chai. Usually he tries to wheedle a coffee out of me, but today was his treat. We decided to take our drinks and wander the town while talking. We don't get to spend much time alone together, so this was nice. While we were walking, he turned to me at one point and told me how much I mean to him. He told me how he remembers me from his childhood- my drinking years- and how much I've changed. He said that the way I've turned my life around to become the woman I am now inspires him, and he wants to change his self-destructive behaviors as well. He's not an alkie or an addict; watching Sarah and I turned him off from that. But his depression and anger over his past legal troubles* really turned him inside out for a long time, and made it almost impossible to be near him. He wants to change that now, and has already begun to do so.

I can't tell you how much that conversation today touched me, what it meant to me.

*if you're unfamiliar with my brother's troubles, you can find a summary in the extended entry

****

In October of 2001, a local landmark burned to the ground. It was underinsured and was the town's main tourist attraction, so the thought that it might not be rebuilt had a lot of townspeople angry. The fire was declared arson before the fire was even out or an investigation could be launched. In short, there was no proof- ever- that the fire was even arson.

My brother, who was 14 at the time, had snuck out that night with 3 friends. They had been seen across the road from the building earlier. They also admitted that they saw the building was on fire, but hearing an alarm they thought the fire dept. already knew the place was on fire. They were afraid of getting in trouble for sneaking out, so they made the disastrous decision not to call 911 to make sure the fire dept. knew. The police, wanting to pin the fire on someone, showed up at my parents' house and tried to make my brother confess to accidentally starting the fire with his friends. Drew never wavered from his story, so the police moved on to the next kid, who told the same version of events as Drew. All four boys- two of them brothers- told the same story. So the police started hounding them and their families. For example, in one day the police called my mother at work 12 times. She's not supposed to receive personal calls, and had to explain to her boss. They would show up at home unexpectedly at all hours with more questions.The police were doing the same thing to the other boys' families, until finally the 11-yr.-old younger brother "confessed" to the story the police originally concocted in my parents' livingroom to coerce a confession from my brother. This boy's father then dragged the older brother to the police station and made his older son confess to the same version of events. They thought they would get a special deal for confessing. The younger son did, the older got hit almost as hard as my brother. It became their word against my brother's and the fourth boy's. The fourth boy was considered a juvenile, and took a plea in order to ensure that his record would be expunged. My brother and the other kid (the older brother who confessed) were arrested and charged as adults. Though we had experts that could prove that the fire might just as easily have started by someone tossing a cigarette as by the method the police and the brothers claimed, it was too risky. If we went to trial and my brother lost, he was facing 10 years in prison. Ultimately he pleaded No Contest and was sent to prison for a year, with 5 years probation. If he screws up, he'll go back to prison for 9 more years. He also has to pay restitution and do community service. There is, of course, more to the story. But that's it in a nutshell.

Prior to that night, my brother was an honor student, active member of his church, a volunteer in the community and an athlete. It was because he was so well-liked that he only had to serve 1 year; the judge said she planned to sentence him to 2 but the court was inundated with letters on his behalf, and people came and spoke for him during sentencing.

Since his release from prison, he has turned into a very angry, bitter young man. He failed the last two years of high school, completing one through summer school and is now finishing up through a continuing education program. My mother almost kicked him out of the house because he was becoming dangerous in his anger, and a lot of people stopped caring about what happened to him.

So the changes I've seen in him lately, and the talk we had today, are incredibly meaningful to me.

Utter Nonsense

World tour, media whore/please the press in Belgium/this was your life/but you could have said no, if you wanted to/you could have walked away, couldn't you?

This has been going through my mind, over and over, for the past 4 hours. I know SwissToni recognized this Smith's lyric right off, eh?

I suspect that in my case, the pertinent part of the lyric is the end. I've yet to have the opportunity to tour the world or sell myself to the press in any way. Not that I would. I'm of the opinion that the press should sell itself to me. Or something.

Kudos to you if you know what I'm talking about. At this point, I haven't got a clue myself.