It's the Meme Thing

I've got a bit of a headache tonight, so I decided to continue this meme found on FaerieWizard's blog. Play or not as the mood strikes.

List of things I've done:
(X) smoked a cigarette
( ) crashed a friend’s car
(X) Got drunk with a good friend
( ) stolen a car
(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
(X) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight
(X) snuck out of your parent’s house
(X) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date
( ) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
(X) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
(X) been skiing.. snowboarding
( ) been moshing at a concert
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now
(X) lain on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel
(X) flown a kite
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) gone sledding
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(X) watched the sun set
(X) felt an earthquake/tremor
(X) touched a snake
(X) slept beneath the stars
(X) been tickled
(X) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
(X) pet a reindeer/goat
(X) won a contest
(X) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(X) been in a car crash
( ) had braces
(X) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) had deja vu
(X) danced in the moonlight
(X) liked the way you look
(X) witnessed a crime
(X) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
(X) been to the opposite side of the country
(X) swum in the ocean
(X) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
(X) played cops and robbers
( ) recently colored with crayons
(X) sung karaoke
(X) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(X) made prank phone calls
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) danced in the rain
(X) written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) been kissed under a mistletoe
(X) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(X) crashed a party
(X) gone roller-skating
(X) had a wish come true
(X) worn pearls
(X) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
(X) told a complete stranger you loved them
(X) kissed a mirror
(X) sung in the shower
(X) had a dream that you married someone
(X) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(X) sat on a roof top
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
(X) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(X) stayed up all night
( ) didn’t take a shower for a week
(X) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(X) climbed a tree
(X) had a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies alone
(X) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(X) gone streaking
(X) gone doorbell ditching
( ) played chicken
(X) jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all your clothes on
(X) been told you’re hot by a complete stranger
(X) broken a bone
(X) been easily amused
(X) caught a fish then ate it
(X) caught a butterfly
(X) laughed so hard you cried
(X) cried so hard you laughed
( ) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(X) forgotten someone’s name
(X) French braided someone’s hair
(X) gone skinny dipping in a pool
(X) been threatened to be kicked out of your house
(X) been kicked out your house
(X) have had a fantasy over someone you love as a good friend
(X) sun tanned naked
(X) ran naked in the rain

Also through the snow, that time I went streaking. I've also unwittingly worn a really ugly outfit, though never on purpose with an eye to create a sensation. I've just been known to have bad taste. I have never crashed a friend's car, but I have crashed my parents'. I don't believe I've seen someone die, but I have been talking to people only to have them die a few minutes later. I've never made a bonfire on the beach, but I have made a camp fire while camping at the beach, at our camp site. I've taken painkillers, but only when prescribed and as prescribed. Drugs were never my thing because of my father. And I actually may have kissed a fish; it seems somehow vaguely familiar.

Or I could just be remembering a bad date.

Answering Friend Fox

A couple of days ago I wrote of my mother's neighbor, and his armed stand-off with police. I went on to mention a couple of other people I know who also became involved in armed conflict with the police. In all three cases, guns were involved. My friend, Urban Fox, then posed this question to me: "What are your views on American gun laws, Aravis? Do you have any strong feelings about the subject?"

I haven't responded yet as I pondered this. I know a lot of you won't agree with me- and that's ok- but here's my answer. Sorry for the delay, Fox.

In addition to the stories already shared, here's one more:

My mother's first husband-John - turned out to be deeply disturbed. When he realized she was going to leave him, he pulled a gun on her one night. My mother courageously kept her cool with the gun held to her head, and talked him down. A couple of months later, as they went through the divorce, he tried once more to kill her. This time he was foolish enough to try it while she was with someone who was also carrying a gun. He subtly made this fact clear to John, who gave up and went home. John never tried again.

And there, I suppose, is an example that could be used by either side of this debate. In an ideal world, there would be no handguns, and shotguns would only be used for hunting. That's a pretty nice picture to contemplate, and I wish it were so. But that's not the reality in this country.

The fact of the matter is that handguns are legal and readily accessible. You could ban them, as Australia did. But then you'll wind up with the problem they're having now: the criminals have guns and the rest, don't. I've heard from friends in various parts of Australia that this grand experiment is a sad failure. Too bad; it was nice in theory.

There are those, I know, who think that the use of handguns is barbaric. I'm not sure I would argue that one way or the other. I know I've fired a gun a couple of times, and it scared me. Not, perhaps, for the reason you might think. The gun felt eerily right in my hand, and I didn't like the strange, dark sense of power I felt just holding the thing. I choose not to own a gun for that reason. Most of the people I know who have guns like them for the joy of target practice, much as archers enjoy their sport. I know people who belong to clubs in which they take on personas from the Wild West and have elaborate competitions, dressed like Cowboys and Indians, target shooting at staged scenes on foot or horseback, with shotguns, revolvers or both. It sounds like fun to me, and I've thought about going to watch. In that way, guns don't bother me. Then, too, there are the people who have to hunt for food because they're poor and can't afford to put meat on the table otherwise. I wouldn't tell them they can't hunt for food for their families. I can't stand people who hunt for sport though, those weekend warriors who kill an animal just to say they've done it, and then leave the carcass to rot. And I especially hate the new sport that's sprung up where tame exotic animals are bought through illegal channels from zoos, and then let loose for rich men to hunt. You want to talk about barbaric? That wouldn't begin to describe what I would do to those people given half a chance...

So what would I propose? The following list of ideas is in no way comprehensive, and I'm sure there are holes I'm overlooking. Feel free to build off anything, as well as commenting on anything I've put down here. It won't fix the problem; it's just a suggestion on how the current system might be improved. It is meant for handguns only, though some measures could be implemented for shotguns as well if desired:

1. I think that stringent safety measures should be developed and implemented in all new handguns, and that it should be legislated that all handguns must be equipped with these safety measures. Failure to comply on the part of gun manufacturers may lead to their closure. Given modern technology it shouldn't be hard to develop such features as:
a) finger-print recognition. When a gun is sold, it should be programmed to recognize only one set of finger-prints: the owner's. This is non-transferrable except through the proper authorities. Nobody will be able to use the gun but the registered owner, thereby helping to clarify "Who Dunnit" and preventing one's gun from being turned against you, for example.
b) GPS unit. If a gun is tossed after commission of a crime, it might be retrieved for use as evidence.
c) If we want to be real Big Brother, guns could be required to carry a chip that reports when a gun is being fired, in addition to its current location. If a gun goes off in a suspect location, officers can be sent to investigate immediately if needed.

2. Guns may no longer be sold at gun shows. Vendors may have display models only. If someone is interested, the vendor can provide their business card.

3. Guns may not be resold directly. Any sales must be overseen by police officers whose sole task it is to oversee gun control. They will transfer finger-print recognition from the old owner to the new, ensuring that only one person's prints are recognized.

4. Guns may not be sold in stores such as WalMart and KMart, for example. Only licensed vendors may sell guns.

5. It will be illegal to fire any handgun that does not contain the proper safety features, except in the event that permission is granted. Example: demonstrating an old handgun for historical/educational purposes in a controlled setting.

This assumes that handguns, as they are now, have been confiscated to the best of the government's abilities. The police will continue to confiscate old handguns as they come to light. Guns as they are now will be forbidden, except for display in a museum. It's possible that the barrels of these guns could be filled with cement to make sure they can't be used if stolen.

Now, I've probably pleased nobody with my suggestions. It's a position of compromise, which is rarely popular. But it's how I see things at this point in time. I don't hate handguns, nor am I particularly happy about them either. I think that as things stand now, though, there's not enough accountability or security in how they're made and distributed. I realize, of course, that global black markets would most like render a lot of this useless. All I can say is:

It's a start.

Illustration Friday-Small

When I look up at the night sky, or contemplate my place in the world, I feel so very small sometimes. It's humbling. No matter what I may believe to the contrary, the universe does not revolve around me. It's comforting as well. The world won't end if I try and fail. It just spins on, allowing the chance to start again anew while washing away the mistakes of the past.

Photo Friday-Yellow

Something In The Water?

It seems like there's always some new insanity to report.

I was on my way to my mother's house today when I came across her car parked at the crest of the hill on her winding little dead-end road. My mother herself was out of her car talking to a police officer and some neighbors. I parked my car and approached, only to learn that the police were involved in a stand-off with my mother's next door neighbor. He has severe drug and alcohol problems and is in no way a stranger to the law enforcement officials around here. This time he went too far however. He had a gun and was threatening to kill his wife and himself. When I arrived, his mother was just being coached by an officer and was getting ready to enter the house to try to reason with her son. It was bitterly cold out and we would only be in the way- and possibly in danger from a stray bullet- so I took my mother out to lunch while waiting for the situation to resolve. Luckily my brother and sister were out with friends and therefore in no danger. I don't know how it finally turned out other than that the police eventually got their man. I'll find out more from my mother later.

I was talking with her about all of this and over the course of our conversation I realized that this is actually the third time I've known someone who became involved in an armed stand-off with the police. The first time I was working and my supervisor's husband got in a fight with some teen in the parking lot which somehow escalated into him being the subject of a manhunt by the police in the woods behind his house. He took shots at them but fortunately for him, he missed. It took them 3 days to catch him. At the time that the instigating altercation took place, all of us working were herded at the back of the store with an officer guarding us. It was all quite dramatic.

The second time was someone who started drinking and drugging again and got into a stand-off outside his home. Unfortunately his home was in an elementary school zone and the town was shut down most spectacularly. It was in no way his intention to harm any children, but the fear was there on the part of the officers because he was so close to the school. Again, the dangers of a stray bullet.

In all three cases the people were apprehended without injury to anyone. It just strikes me as odd that I've known/witnessed three stand-offs in this very rural area. That's why I wonder if it's something in the water? It can't be me.

Maybe the cows make them do it...

I Survived Thanksgiving

Despite a nasty snow storm, Thanksgiving went off without a hitch, more or less. Randy's younger sister couldn't make it because she was looking after 30 horses for her employer some distance away, and the road simply wasn't safe enough for her to drive all the way out here and back again after. She lives with her parents so we sent a plate loaded with food back for her, along with some leftovers and dessert for them later. Her dog came over with the in-laws though. It's ok; he was invited. He gets along with Sam and they kept each other company and for the most part, out of trouble. It was fun to watch them play or plan tactical manoeuvres to steal food.

There was very little bickering between Randy's older sister and his mother, the usual source of any tensions in the family. We kept plying them with food and otherwise occupied. There was shrimp cocktail to start with, and a cheese and pepperoni platter with assorted crackers. MIL brought a tasty salad and Pam brought an apple pie baked by a wonderful local bakery. My cheesecake, punch and pumpkin pie were all a success. The prime rib was also delicious, though a little more rare than I would usually like. But it's the way MIL and Pam like it, so it was fine. All of the food (turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, carrots, squash, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce and rolls) was delicious and there's still more left for Randy and I. I planned it that way. When you have Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant, there are no yummy leftovers. I was determined to have some this year. Mission accomplished! It barely fits in my refrigerator.

I'm afraid I don't have any photos to show you. People showed up right after I finished setting up, and of course my pretty table was soon a mess. I didn't care though. That's what it was there for! We had a trestle table in the kitchen with the food laid out for them to help themselves to whatever. The baker's rack was set up as a coffee bar. In addition to coffee and punch we served iced tea and sparkling non-alcoholic cider. Then everyone moved to the large table we set up at one end of the livingroom. There was plenty of room. I think it was the best, most relaxed Thanksgiving I've ever spent with them. I'd like to do this again next year. I think it's so much nicer than going out, and everyone else seemed to think so as well. My FIL wants to know when I'm throwing my next dinner party. He doesn't hand out compliments lightly, so that meant a lot. Then he even came back to spend more time with us later in the day, something he never does. It really made me feel good.

Maybe I'll even throw another dinner party since my first turned out so well. :0)

Very Thankful

Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers. I've heard from the vet and, while the Lyme disease test hasn't returned yet, the liver and kidney tests came back fine. Sam isn't suffering from organ failure, his age is simply making it harder for him to keep weight on. We're to increase his food a little and will be monitoring his weight for a few weeks until he's handling it better. Lyme is easily treatable if that comes back positive. Athritis pain can be alleviated as well, if that's what is causing the stiffness. But he's not in any immediate danger. Thank-you! :0)

My poor brother can't say the same. He went to Vermont with some friends to go snowboarding. Somehow he broke his collar bone almost all the way through. The boys were on their way home after Drew was released from the hospital, when the boy driving accidentally ran a stop sign and was hit hard by a pick-up truck. The boy- Josh- was lucky to be alive as the truck hit the driver's side. He has a laceration on his head and a possible concussion, but no other known injuries. Drew got a few more bruises and abrasions from the air bag, and the boy sitting in the back seat wasn't wearing his seat belt and so joined the other two in the front upon impact. No serious damage to him. The car, on the other hand, was totalled. Drew is in extreme pain and not looking well according to Mom, but the doctor here called in a prescription for pain meds for him, so Mom was able to give him something when he got home. She's going to keep the pain meds with her NOT because of Drew, but to make sure Sarah doesn't find them and take them. Crazy times. The good news out of all of this is that nobody was killed or even seriously injured from the accident that we know of. Head injuries being tricky things, we can't say for sure yet. But nobody was killed and the boys are home safe and reasonably sound. To me, that's all that matters.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, whether you celebrate it or not. I'll be thinking of you all as I go through my day, recognizing how grateful I am to count you among my friends.

Here's hoping the trunk of my car isn't needed for nefarious purposes.

Illustration Friday-Free

What's that saying... the best things in life are free?

This does not even remotely resemble what I had planned for this week. I'm thoroughly irritated because this was another of those times when no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get my idea out of my head and onto paper. My fingers, as always, got in the way.

Photo Friday-Imperfection

Skin is imperfect.
I'm imperfect.
People are imperfect.

Yet I think some of the things that make us wonderful are founded on little imperfections, going to make us what and who we are.

Looking Up

Much better.

I went out for the day with another friend of mine. We wound up having a terrific meal and wonderful conversation. She's very funny. Then we went to a meeting together where I heard just what I needed to hear. The talk today was about letting go and realizing that we can't control everything around us. Too often all we can do is hope for the best and then let life happen. It will anyway, with or without my permission. It was a great message, perfect for where I'm at mentally.

After the meeting I dropped my friend off at her house and headed home. Randy was out with some of his friends so I just changed into my pj's and curled up on the couch to read and watch tv quietly. It was so nice to just relax and let my hair down. Literally.

Off to improve my word count. Randy and I decided I should have his mother's character accidentally baste a turkey with turquoise blue paint. She'll also drop a casserole when a bat swoops into an open window, causing one of her cats to give chase and trip her up. Neither of these scenarios has happened in real life, and yet we agree that in her case, they're not too far-fetched...

Was I Ever This Crazy? Probably.

I was awoken this morning by repeated phone calls from a frantic Sarah, begging me to call her or to stop by. When it became apparent that I wasn't going to be allowed to sleep in today, I got up and went over to see her. She said in her message that she and Dad had fought all last night and into this morning, and that Dad had removed the phones.* She had walked to my mother's house, but everyone was at work and the place was empty. So that's when she called me. She also made a few calls to Cape Cod and ate my mother's food that Mom had set aside for her dinner tonight. All without asking, of course, but that's between her and my mother.

I got to Dad's apartment and found Sarah asleep on the couch. Given that she had woken me up and sounded hysterical on the phone, I wasn't exactly pleased to find her sleeping peacefully. Dad was nowhere to be found. Sarah woke up and we went outside so she could smoke. She was drunk. She got into Dad's vodka last night and again today. She also walked out on the waitressing job she had just started at. And she couldn't stop talking. When she wasn't talking to me she was talking to herself, and sometimes both at once. It was a little like watching Gollum/Smeagol inhabit my sister's body. What I heard more than anything today was "For what it's worth..." (almost every sentence began with that phrase), "connie, Connie, CONNIE..." (my real first name, rapidly repeated with increasing intensity), and "Sh sh sh" both to me and to herself. Every time she started to lose her train of thought or didn't like the way a sentence was coming out of her mouth she'd mutter "Regroup. Regroup." And if I wasn't fighting to remain detached (for her sake as well as mine) my heart would have broken to see the tears streaming down her face as she told me over and over again: I'm not ok. I'm not ok. I'm not ok. She finally admitted that she is an addict. She isn't ready to admit to alcoholism yet, but she's one step closer because she admitted that it could become a problem. She was resistant to the notion of going to rehab at first because she was terrified that she would be locked in a room like a cell. However once I explained to her that rehabs don't lock you in and you're free to roam the grounds, she became receptive to the idea of going away. We spent the day driving around, me plying her with coffee and letting her just talk herself out. I missed my meeting this afternoon, but after she slept off her binge early this evening, I picked her up and took her to an AA meeting tonight. There aren't many NA meetings in this area, which is what she really needs, but a lot of addicts attend AA meetings for this reason and so Sarah got to hear some addicts share tonight. She could really relate to some of what was said- as much as anything can get through her overly crowded mind- and now has a better idea of what recovery can be about. Whether or not she actually follows through on a treatment center, I don't know. All I could do was plant the seed. I talked with Dad about it and he was planning on picking up where I left off tonight once I dropped her off. The ball is in their court now.

Tomorrow is for me. I'm sleeping in, and the only thing that will stop me is if my house catches fire or floods. And if it floods, I may ride it out in bed in the hopes that my bed is buoyant. At 3pm I'm picking up a girl friend and going out to eat. Then we'll head to my weekend afternoon meeting in my town.

Yup. It's all about me tomorrow.

I should also mention that when I returned from the meeting tonight, Randy had flowers waiting for me. It was so nice to come home to!

I have serious doubts about whether or not I can pull off NaNo this year with all of the chaos around me, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I'm off now to start writing!

*Sarah has been making a lot of lengthy long-distance calls, and eating all of Dad's food before he gets a chance to. He's on a strict diet having just been diagnosed with Type II diabetes, and he's sensitive to having food from his special diet disappear. And then, as I said, Sarah got very drunk on a new bottle of vodka which he had kicking around, unopened.

Good Thoughts Needed

I may be paranoid. I may be overreacting. But I'm feeling scared and I can't help it.

Though the timing wasn't optimal given the loss of Duncan last night, Randy and I had to take Sam to the vet today. His hind quarters have seemed alternately weak or stiff. There have been a lot of ticks this year and Lyme Disease is a real possibility, so we made this appointment to have him tested. He's almost 13 now, quite old for a large dog, so it's possible he has arthritis. He's very stoic and won't let you know when he's in pain, so we always have to watch him. We figured it was better to be safe than sorry, and there's obviously something wrong. Anyway, we get there and the vet tech weighs him.

That's when we hit a snag.

I knew that Sam had lost some weight, but I attributed that to the additional exercise he's been getting in the form of our long daily walks. However he's lost over 10 pounds since March despite the fact that he's eating more than ever, and the vet is worried about his liver or kidneys. We agreed that he should be tested for that as well, and then we're told that we won't get the results for a week! So I'm left sitting here for the next 7 days wondering if I'm about to lose Sam as well. Greta died this past New Year's Eve; I'm not sure how I'll handle it if Sam dies this holiday season. It's hard to accept that something might really be wrong with him because, other than the weight and the tenderness in his right hip and lower back (the vet discovered this during the exam as well) Sam is perfectly normal. He has as much energy as a puppy and is in excellent health emotionally and mentally. I've never seen a dog smile as much as my boy.

All I can do is hope the vet is proven wrong, that Sam only has Lyme and/or arthritis pain and that we still have a long time together. I have to stay positive, but I needed to be a little weak for a few minutes. Thanks for letting me.

Good-bye, Duncan

Tonight I went to my friend's house and stayed with her while the vet put her little dog, Duncan, to sleep. It was so very sad. It was this time last year when Randy and I were nursing our own dog, Greta, through her final days. Saying good-bye to Duncan brought it all flooding back. Greta's loss has already been weighing on my mind lately. For a week recently a stray dog was playing along the road when I was out walking Sam. From a distance this dog both looked and acted like Greta, and were it not for the fact that other people saw it, I would be tempted to believe it was her ghost come to say hello. The presence of this dog made walking Sam bittersweet. As it turns out it belonged to someone nearby who has since learned how to keep it in its yard, so no more sightings. It left me with a strong sense of nostalgia though.

This was my frame of mind as Duncan was readied. The poor little guy was deaf and blind, so he cried out when the vet injected him with a tranquilizer. He was startled, being unable to sense it coming. It was a strong dose designed to work quickly. My friend bundled him up in a special sheet, along with his favorite toy. Then she held him like a baby in her arms while the tranquilizer slowly took effect, calming him. I stroked his fur and she gently rocked him. Finally, when he seemed ready, Ellen nodded to the vet who then gave him the overdose of anesthesia. This was the really horrible part for, though she reassured us that he couldn't feel it, Duncan screamed as he died. The vet explained that while most animals simply sigh or gasp and then pass away, unfortunately some (like Duncan) will cry out. She said that it's the body letting go, but that the animal truly doesn't feel it. That's not much comfort though when your beloved pet dies screaming in your arms! Mercifully, it was brief and then he was gone.

As I continued to stroke his fur, I couldn't help but notice how wooden he felt once his life force, his spirit, was gone. It was the same with Greta. The body is still warm, but something vital and basic changes in a way that's hard to explain. His body was there, but Duncan was gone. A short while later, even his tiny corpse was lovingly removed as the vet took him for cremation with his special sheet and toy. My friend will receive his ashes.

I have to say that she handled it a lot better than I thought, perhaps even better than she expected. She's grieving, and it's going to take time. The knowledge that his suffering has ended helps. I shared with her the story of the Rainbow Bridge, as some of you shared with me when Greta passed. She had never heard the story before and fell in love with it. So thank-you, not only for myself but for her as well. She now has a happier vision for Duncan. I stayed with her for a few hours afterwards, talking about Duncan and other matters, until she felt as though she could get some sleep. I'm sure she needs it. These next few days especially are going to be hard for her as she adjusts to his absence. He was 18, and she had him all of his life. She's lived alone for most of that time, and he kept her house from feeling empty. His loss is going to affect her in ways she probably hasn't realized yet. It's so sad.

Ultimately, however, it was the right thing to do given his condition and his quality of life, or lack thereof. There can be no doubt of that, and it's a comfort to her. She'll always carry him in her heart. They both made each other's lives immeasurably better. What more could anyone ask?

NaNo Excerpt

Here at last is the ninja NaNo scene. Before you read it, there's one caveat: the writing in most of this excerpt is deliberately bad for the purpose of the plot.

Now, that being said, I hope you enjoy. You'll find the link to the excerpt on the bottom of the left-hand page when you click below. Sorry, can't link directly to the excerpt itself.

Ninja courtroom scene

Horrible Speculation

While watching television tonight I saw a rat on the screen, which triggered the thought that in the event of a nuclear holocaust it's believed that rats would survive. This in turn spawned the thought that cockroaches, too, would purportedly come through unscathed. Given the mutations caused by radiation, I foresee a world in which horrible mutant cockroaches do battle with nasty mutant rats for survival and dominance. Each would be cannibals as well, given that food sources would be greatly reduced. This has the potential to be a really bad comic book, don't you think? And can you ever imagine a case of Romeo and Juliet amongst the rats and cockroaches?

I really wish my mind would spontaneously generate more pleasant images sometimes.

Catching Up

Life remains stressful, but my additional meetings are helping.

One of my friends is about to have to put her dog to sleep. He's 18, blind and deaf, and now the vet believes he has melanoma. It's time to let the little guy go. But he's been her most stable and constant companion, and this won't be easy for her. She's asked that I come over to her place on Thursday evening and stay with her and Duncan when the vet puts him to sleep. I've said yes. Duncan- a little Maltese- has wormed his way into my heart as well, and this is sad if not unexpected. I just have to remember and remind my friend that his quality of life has become so poor, it will be a kindness to let him go. He's lethargic these days and can barely get around. It's time to let go.

Then there's my step-sister. Court went well and the counterfeiting charges were dropped. She's on probation for the check forging I think, and has been ordered to have a psych evaluation. The latter, in my opinion, can only be a good thing. I took her to the mental health center today where she was set up with a counselor, and next week she'll meet with a psychiatrist to be put on some meds. They believe she has ADHD and depression, possibly bipolar like myself. Now they have to find the right cocktail for her. I hope she doesn't manage to sucker the shrink into giving her meds she doesn't need. She has a history of doing so, and is good at it. Ultimately though, this is not my problem and I'm not going to worry about it. I'll just drive her to meet with her counselor and psychiatrist. Anything beyond that is hers to deal with.

My MIL ticked me off tonight, trying to guilt-trip me into taking a temp job that would require me to be out of my house all next week. I said no and could tell she was annoyed, which in turn annoyed me. I tried to figure out the best way to deal with the anger I was feeling when I suddenly felt inspired by SwissToni. The best way to deal with MIL is to write her into my NaNo story, and then kill her off in fiction. I'm writing the ninja/judge scene at the moment, and then I can start working this new plot twist into my story. Or maybe not kill her, but write nasty scenarios for her to find herself in. This could be my version of a voodoo doll. NaNo is so therapeutic, don't you think?

Now you know I like to end on a positive note when I can and, while I might think the previous paragraph was positive I'm aware that not everyone would find it to be so. Here, then, is my upbeat ending:

After months of neglect, I finally got back on my treadmill. I even managed to jog for an extended period of time before feeling like I was going to die.

Now that's progress!

Photo Friday-Worn

Illustration Friday-Strength

This is another illustration based upon an image which popped into my head and refused to leave. On the surface it would appear to be more about weakness than strength, but the idea is this: what if you had to hang your hopes on a single thread? Would you be able to trust to its strength? Because sometimes in life, that's all you have.

Reflecting

I'm feeling a little sad tonight and decided to share this image with you. It depicts reflections, something I'm doing a lot of lately.

Climb Every Mountain-of Gravy Boats

I took the opportunity to go shopping for the Thanksgiving dinner today. I headed out to the mall to hit Linens-n-Things and filled my cart to an astonishing degree. However I've never thrown a dinner or done any real entertaining in my home before (I've mentioned I'm anti-social, right?) and was sorely lacking in everything. People's heads swivled as I heaved my cart down the aisles, sweating and red-faced as I danced around the cart to keep items from falling off the mound within. When I had finally selected the last in an obscene amount of crockery and linens, I shoved my cart into line at the register. The cashier's eyebrows rose and she immediately called for backup. As she began to ring up my purchases she looked at me and said "Let me guess: Thanksgiving is at your house this year?" I nodded and all the ladies around me started commiserating. I'm actually kind of excited about this whole thing though. I suspect the stress will hit mit later, closer to time.

But to share the joy of the holiday, I have to show you this. You don't have to celebrate Thanksgiving to get a kick out of it. Enjoy!

An Exchange Between Spouses

I have felt cranky and out of sorts all day, even snarly from time to time. The following took place as a result~

Randy: What can I do for you?

Me: Wait until I'm not looking and shoot me with a tranquilizer dart. Then run like hell and pray that I don't catch you before the drug kicks in...

Photo Friday-Warmth

My cat's fur

Thanksgiving Plans

I'll be throwing my first Thanksgiving dinner party this year.

Every year my in-laws take all of us (Randy has two sisters) out for Thanksgiving dinner to a nearby restaurant. Randy's mother does not cook. She once sent away for a cherry cheesecake for Randy's younger sister's birthday. When it arrived, she thought they sent her the wrong one. There was no cherry filling that she could find, only a packet filled with some orange substance. She decided they sent her the pumpkin cheesecake mix instead and, it being too late to send it back, she heated up the orange mix and put it on the cheesecake. She gave a bite of it to my FIL to taste test, and when he finished spitting it out he asked if she was, by any chance, trying to kill him? It seems the orange stuff was some sort of synthetic gel that was put in the box to help protect the cake during its trip from factory to in-laws' home. The cherries were layered between the crust and the cream cheese filling. She had received the correct cake, and then ruined it! *G*

So she won't be making our dinner. Not by a long shot.

But this year the restaurant we usually go to has been sold and the new place won't be open in time. My MIL called me in tears this morning because she and FIL got into a fight over where to go instead, and in the end decided that they're just not going to "do" Thanksgiving this year. They couldn't agree on a place, and they don't want to have it in their home. She hoped I wasn't too disappointed, and that perhaps Randy and I could make arrangements to go to my mother's for the holiday. We could go with my mother to my uncle's house for dinner without a problem. But the thought of my in-laws not having a Thanksgiving this year because of an argument really bothered me. This family usually doesn't commence with holiday fighting until the day itself. I called Randy and discovered that he had reached the same conclusion I had: we should have everyone over to our house for Thanksgiving. We can buy the meal from his store. They cater and their food is excellent. Other than one or two items I'll need to prepare myself, I won't have to fuss in the kitchen. I can cook, I just don't like to. Randy and I will shift some furniture out of the living room and put the large dining room table at one end of the room for the day; the kitchen would be too cramped and the cabin isn't heated yet. We can do this. Really, this is an improvement on past holidays. Nobody else will witness the fighting, and if it gets out of hand I have that large trunk in my car...

Illustration Friday-Night

"There never was night that had no morn."
~Dinah Mulock Craik

Reconnecting

So I still haven't cleaned my house. But I did clean my car. Got into an argument with Dad (ex step-father) over Sarah. Visited with my mother to talk about the situation with Sarah. Walked Sam for the first time in 2 days- poor dog!* And then I decided to take my sorry self to a meeting because I was starting to feel frayed around the edges.

I haven't been to this meeting since my father's death last year. About that time I sank into a very deep depression and commenced isolating. Other than going to my AA home group meeting and seeing my therapist, the only people I really talked to were my husband and mother. I shut everyone else out and stopped going to any other meetings. I've missed them though. There are some people who I only see at these meetings on the weekend, people who have always meant a lot to me. Walking into the meeting tonight was a little nerve-wracking for me, having been away for so long, but it also felt incredibly good. Someone there was struggling with depression and feeling like she doesn't belong, feelings I know well and could relate to. I was able to talk to some people about my situation with Sarah and with my family in regards to her. Many of my old friends were there and even old acquaintances who I thought would have forgotten about me or written me off came up to me after the meeting to welcome me back there. I definitely plan to start going to those weekend meetings again! I still feel a little jittery around the edges, but so much calmer than before. I have to take Sarah back to social services tomorrow, this time without the benefit of my brother's presence. And I had to tell Sarah today that I wouldn't loan her money, so I'm not her favorite person right now. But that's ok. She'll be going back to Massachusetts on Tuesday for a few days as she's due in court. I'll have at least three days of peace then.

I think I need to start meditating again.

*we have a large fenced-in yard for him to run and play in, so he wasn't neglected. He just really likes to go for longer walks, and I enjoy spending that time with him.

Narrowly Escaping Trouble

I was sitting here today thinking that I really need to clean my house. But I didn't want to clean my house. So I started trying to come up with a reason why I shouldn't clean house. Divine intervention took place at this point and the phone rang. My brother's car had died on the Mass Turnpike (long highway bisecting Massachusetts horizontally) almost two hours from home. He and his friend had waited almost 3 hours for a tow truck, but thankfully had broken down near a rest stop so they weren't completely stranded. Andrew had been unable to reach Mom or Dad, so he called me to see if I could come pick them up. I "dropped everything" - snort- and went to get them. The mechanic tried to cheat my mother and brother. First he tried to tell my brother that his AAA (a sort of motor club insurance) was invalid, so they wanted to charge him $140 for towing the car. Once Mom got involved and straightened out the AAA situation, the owner of the garage refused to release my brother's car to the AAA tow truck driver, claiming that one of his mechanics had looked at the car and therefore money was owed them on it. Fortunately for Mom and Andrew, my brother's friend had stayed with the car the entire time and could categorically state that the mechanic had never come near the car to check it out. So the owner had to release the car. Sad the way some people try to take advantage.

Yesterday I was backing out of a parking spot. It was difficult to see because I was hemmed in by SUVs, so Andrew- who had been sitting in the back seat behind Sarah- was keeping an eye out for me. As I backed up, I felt something tap the back of my car and I hit the brakes, threw it in park and got out. There was a little old lady standing with her shopping cart. I knew I hadn't touched her, and had barely tapped the shopping cart, but I asked her repeatedly if she was ok. She fussed, said she was worried about my car. I told her I wasn't worried about my car, just her. "Yes, I'm fine. I think I'm fine." she said. At this point another lady came up and joined me in questioning the elderly woman. This time said elderly woman mentioned that she was so frightened, that I had almost knocked her shopping cart over and that she had wrenched her arm trying to save it from tipping. "But are you ok?" the other woman and I both asked. "I don't know. I guess so." she says, rubbing her arm now. I can see which way the wind is blowing. By now Sarah has gotten out of the car and points out the there's not a mark on it. The other woman has also figured out that the elderly woman is exaggerating more and more with each moment, and she helps the elderly woman on her way. It should be noted that as she pushed her cart away, she suddenly started rubbing her hip. I got Sarah back in the car and left before the old lady decided that she needed to be sent to ICU. Andrew told me afterwards that the old lady had been about 8 feet away when I started backing up, and as neither of us saw her near the car when I hit the shopping cart, he thinks she sent the cart into my car on purpose. I won't go that far- I hate to think ill of little old ladies- but she sure was embellishing the more attention she received!

Still, I felt badly for scaring her.

Tired and Grateful

I can't tell you how exhausted I feel tonight. Sarah was fine with me, although she went on about how well I look and seem to be doing to an uncomfortable degree. However it was the people at social services who drew her ire today. Andrew asked to come along with us and I was grateful to have him along as someone sane to speak with. You don't have to spend more than a minute listening to her talk to realize her life is insanity right now. She's still in denial though and other than cigarettes, doesn't see that she has any problems with addiction. I didn't push the issue; it would have been pointless. She has court next week and her sons' birthdays are in the next two weeks as well. I'm just letting her talk, but not putting too much stock in any plans she makes until things are more settled.

Did I mention I'm tired? I should be working on my NaNoWriMo project, but the only word I can think to add to it just now is "Ummmm..."

However it should be said that Sarah is helping me in two positive ways:

1. She's keeping it green. Watching and listening to her is reminded me of just how bad it used to be for me, how miserable I was and how scared. She's a reminder of exactly where I don't want to be again.

2. She's teaching me that I have so much to be grateful for, even more than I realized. I have problems, a couple of them serious, but they can be handled. The rest are luxury problems. I'm married to a man with whom I'm still in love after all these years, and who adores me in return. I have a wonderful family that, though it has some faults, is loving and supportive. I have friends upon whom I can rely and whose company I truly enjoy. I have three amazing pets (or am I their pet?) who never fail to put a smile on my face or comfort me when I'm down. I have hobbies and interests. I have a brand new car and my husband and I own our home. I have heat and food and a bed that I will eventually sleep in tonight.

I may not know where I'm going in this life, but I know that I have a firm foundation upon which to build one. This isn't something to take for granted; it's far more than a lot of other people have and I need to remember that.

Sister Update

I don't know how it was managed, but Dad has brought Sarah back to Connecticut with him. She'll be staying with him in his apartment and has expressed a desire to find a job. I'm taking her to social services tomorrow to apply for emergency medical relief (Title 19) so she can get the meds she needs, and we'll take it from there. Dad is going to try to convince her to enter a local rehab, and he had me contact them to get some information so he would be armed with it when he opens the discussion. I don't know how long she'll be here; the idea is to get her away from all of the bad associations she has made so she can clean up her act. I don't know what to expect from her tomorrow. I suppose I'll just have to wait and find out when the time comes.

I'm feeling pretty good though. I don't feel the need to plunge in and try to save her. I have some boundaries these days and am ready to stick to them. I'm willing to help to a point, but I won't enable her or endanger myself in the process.

Illustration Friday-Broken

Madame Petrovsky's crystal ball was broken, so she had to make a last minute substitution...

It's November now, which means I'm taking part in the NaNoWriMo challenge. The goal is to write a novel between November 1- 30th. It must be at least 50,000 words in length. While it's not going to be easy, I successfully completed the challenge last year and am confident that I'll finish in time once more. However this may mean that the quality of my submissions to Illustration Friday may suffer a little from lack of time or attention. I'll try not to let this happen, and intend to post a submission every week as usual. Some may have a dashed-off look to them, like this one. It can't be helped I'm afraid. I was a writer long before I decided to try my hand at art, and I want to focus my attention on this craft for now.

Word-padding is a common practice amongst NaNoWriMo participants, and it seems to be spilling over into my blog. I think I'll just shut up now. *G*

Photo Friday-Delicate

From a bud vase, a gift my sister Ashley bought for me during her trip to Germany and Switzerland this past summer. The stem of the flower slides down the center of this spiralling glass to rest in a spherical base.

Winging It This Week

As it turns out, Sarah was wanted in 5 towns, not just one. She had been arrested for forging checks too. She turned down all plea bargains, and then failed to show up for her jury trial. So bail wasn't even an option today. She was shackled and led away. No point going out there right now; I wouldn't be able to see her anyway. Thanks everyone for the support and excellent advice! It's definitely helping me.

So onto other things in the meantime. I took lots of photos for Photo Friday but so far I don't like any of them enough to post. I have yet to think of something for Illustration Friday this week. And I have a novel to write before the month is over. I haven't given much thought as to its subject. I suppose I should just start writing to find out what it's about. I know that it will include 5 ninjas and a judge dancing in a courtroom, per Fox's request. When that scene is written, I'll post it.

Good luck to all of my fellow NaNoWriMo participants!