When I opened my email tonight, Lo and Behold there was an email whose subject line read: Increase Your Girth and Length!
Now, being a woman I can only assume they were referring to my waist.* In which case I have this to say in response:
1. If there's one thing I don't need, it's help increasing the girth of my waist. I have a million and one very pleasant ideas on just how I might go about achieving that goal should I choose to do so. But thanks for the offer of help.
and
2. Ow. Really. Being a full-grown adult, I can only imagine that any attempt to increase the length of my torso would hurt. While at 5'6 I am not the tallest person I know, still I do not feel the need to change my stature.
Should I suffer severe brain trauma and change my mind however, I'll be sure to let you know.
*Yes, I am aware of what this really referred to; I'm having fun.