In the course of cleaning I uncovered an old journal of mine that I had forgotten all about. It was supposed to be a dream journal and came complete with quotes about dreaming, and with dream interpretations offered at the back. However I was using it as a normal journal and in reading through could only find one rather disturbing dream recorded in which I was married to Howard Stern. No clue; I don't remember it at all now.
Anyway, this journal captures the first months of my sobriety. I was insane. The grandiosity of my language actually made me laugh. It made for some interesting (to me) reading, though. A part of me would like to keep this journal and continue to use it, this time to record dreams as it was intended in the first place. I have some great ones, Stern notwithstanding.
Another part of me wants to destroy those old pages and just keep the blanks. Not because I want to eradicate the pomposities of the past, but because that ambivalence towards Randy in my early days of sobriety was covered in horrible detail in this journal. I was still living it then, and I cringe now at the cruel callousness of some of my thoughts. I would hate for Randy to accidentally stumble across these entries and be hurt by them. His mother and little sister have been known to snoop as well, and of course I don't want them to read it! Those words are no longer true for me.
So here's my question: Do I keep the journal in its entirety as a reminder of where I came from and what I don't want to return to, or do I destroy the old entries and just continue on from there? I believe I've made my choice. What would you do?
"It has never been my object to record my dreams, just the determination to realize them."
~Man Ray (from the dream journal)