She's Gone

"Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds." ~Buddha

Take the Pack Off that Rat

And what deep thoughts or words of wisdom would I care to impart tonight?

None, actually. Therefore I will supply you with the following rubbish:

I have an urge to simplify, to purge everything that I have been hanging onto and which serves no purpose whatsoever. I am what is commonly referred to as a "pack-rat" which is funny when you consider my phobic fear of that particular rodent. I know I have blogged here before about purging my books or old clothes, however now I find that I want to get rid of so much more. I want to rid myself of useless furniture, videos, knick-knacks, records/tapes/cds that we never listen to, dishes and bowls and cookware that never sees the light of day because it has been made redundant (I love that phrase!) and linens. In short, I want to rid myself of every scrap of clutter in my life. I'll donate, sell or toss it all; I don't care. I want to feel free and breathe without a vague sense of claustrophobia. I want minimalism. Simplify, simplify, simplify. That's what I want. Randy was with me until I asked him about the wedding trinkets on their reserved shelf. They include bride and a groom teddy bears which are rather cute but whose only purpose are to collect dust, along with the other pointless figurines, etc. Their ony significance is that they are wedding presents. We never even look at them anymore and they are often hidden behind books or other objects that may find a temporary home on the shelf. Other than the sentiment, why keep them? We have been married for 9.5 years and have a solid, happy relationship. We don't need externals to remind us of that. We have our whole life together all around us. Randy doesn't mind if I get rid of these things but, knowing my penchant for saving things he was a bit thrown when I asked him what-if anything- he wanted to keep on that shelf. I believe he thinks I'm coming down with something, and perhaps I am. However if I am ill then it seems to me to be the healthiest illness I have ever had. Of course, nothing will be changed while Greta is around; I don't want to stress her by changing her environment. Sometime after that though the purging will begin in earnest...

Letting Go

Greta's time is almost over now. On the 24th I took her in for her check up and the vet said she wasn't doing as well as he would like. We've been giving her cytoxan in addition to the prednisone, but it hasn't helped. Her breathing is becoming more rapid and shallow as the swollen lymph nodes slowly close her throat. The vet told me she would probably make it through the holidays, but not much further. At this point, I'm not sure she will make it that long. It hurts to watch someone leave you incrementally. I read a great article on letting go this evening. I cried, but it was helpful.

In addition, I found out tonight that an old friend of mine-still in his late 20's- died of some mysterious heart problem on Christmas Day. I'm going to his wake tomorrow night.

I was sitting here grieving, feeling lost and alone. I wandered through site after site but all I found was death and disaster. Having had my fill of that I discovered that misery does not always love company. It only served to make me feel more desolate. Greta came in and laid herself down next to me, looking up at me with weary eyes. I think she knows now. Pain overwhelmed me and I started to turn away when a piece of paper taped to my desk caught my eye.

As I have said in the past, I am not Catholic or even religious. But I was introduced to the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi while working on the 11th Step ("Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God- as we understood him") and I fell in love with it. I have always had a soft spot for St. Francis. He loved animals too. This prayer was included in our step book as a sample meditation for those who have never meditated before. I loved it and made a copy to tape on my desk. It had become so much a part of the furniture however that I didn't notice it until that moment. It summarizes all that I wish I could be, though of course I fall short because I am only human. Reading it, a part of me wished someone would bring that comfort and light to me while another part wished I could find the strength to bring comfort to others. I think I need to spend more time meditating and opening myself up to life.

It's something to think about.

Care to Help?

Ways to help the people of Asia.

Hitchcock/Stewart Marathon

There was a Hitchcock/Stewart marathon on AMC tonight. Rear Window, Vertigo, Rope and The Man Who Knew Too Much. I love these movies, and most of the others that Hitchcock did. Vertigo has always been my favorite, but by a narrow margin. I'm so glad I found the movie listing for tonight; I haven't watched a Hitchcock film in years. I was most struck by Rope, which I haven't seen since I was a teenager. I understood the nuances better this time, as you might expect. I love Rupert's epiphany at the end regarding the value of human life. But then, I'm also a huge James Stewart fan.

Do you like Alfred Hitchcock?

Keeping It Green

I was going through some old files and found this. I wrote it a couple of years ago while remembering my drinking days. Those days hold a nightmarish quality for me now. By the way, when I talk about the evils of alcohol, that pertains only to me. I have no problem whatsoever with other people drinking, even in my presence. They have and I was fine with it. I am not preaching abstention. I would hate to have any of you feel uncomfortable on that score. Anyway, I found this again and decided to share it with you. Welcome to Aravis Inebriated...

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be this person. Who am I? Do I even know? What was that? Coarse laughter from across the room. Are they laughing at me? Are they? No. No, they can’t even see me from where they are. Can they? I won’t look in the mirror. Why do they have to put the mirror there anyway? It’s such a cliché! Nobody wants to look at themselves when they are like this, do they? What was that? Ah, that is why the mirror is there, so you can see what is going on in the room behind you. Watch your back. Makes sense. Dumb not to think of it before. Where’s that drink I ordered? Here it comes now. Tequila, no wimpy package. Straight back, that’s the good stuff. Here comes the burn. Oh no, the beer. It’s not good with the beer. Ohnoohnononono- line for the bathroom –ohno- DOOR! Legs are weak can’t make it can’t puke here ohno MADE IT! I heave once. Just once more. And again. I’m done. Trembling, shaking placing my fevered head against the cool side of the building. Beads of sweat collect on my forehead, like the condensation running down the bottle I drank from a few minutes ago. Did anyone see me? A glance around the parking lot reassures me. Deep breath. My buzz is gone. Where am I? Oh, here. Still. Do I have any money left? Yes, here it is. No sucking up tonight, then. I can pay my own way. I’m dry. Gotta do somethin’ ‘bout that. Wipe my mouth, run my fingers through my hair to straighten it out. Where’s a mirror when you want one? Well, I can do without it. Time for that drink.

The Wide and Wild World

So much has been happening all over the world.

First to come to mind of course is the sub-aquatic earthquake which registered 9.0, making it the largest earthquake the world has seen in 40 years. The tsunamis it generated have devastated Asia costing an estimated 14,000 lives. Smaller tremors (aftershocks?) have been felt since, creating smaller wave actions and causing some alarm. What can one say or do in the face of such tragic devastation but pray and send whatever assistance one can as ways to help become known.

In Iraq, a car bomb has killed 9 people at the Shia political headquarters. This after it was reported that the US suggested a set amount of political positions be set aside for the Sunnis, to make sure they are represented. This idea was rejected by the Iraqi election body. So the Iraqi election board turned down the US in part because of car bombings, and the Sunnis retaliated with a car bomb. I'm not sure how effective this will be for them, though I'm sure they are pleased with themselves.

In Israel, Sharon is easing restrictions to ensure that the Palestinian elections run smoothly and are seen to be legitimate. We'll see how that goes.

In the Ukraine, it would seem that Yuschenko has won. It remains to be seen if Yanukovych will contest.

In the Northwest corner of Connecticut, USA, it is night and snow gently falls and covers the world with its cold purity. I am grateful for the serenity it brings to my quiet corner of a world in which momentous events are unfolding.

Holiday Recap

Ours was a quiet holiday. Friday was busy with all of the usual last-minute chores and visits to be made. The alkathon meeting went well, the lateness of the hour calling forth an honesty from me about subjects I don't often discuss in the meetings. It had the same effect on others there who also shared with great honesty. It was really nice. Afterwards I returned home and frantically finished wrapping presents. I only got four hours of sleep last night (and five the night before that) so I am a little punchy right now.

We split our time between Randy's family and mine, as they only live ten minutes apart. Everyone liked their gifts, and we loved ours of course. Randy's mother had helped send us to Alaska in August as our main Christmas gift. She also gave me a beautiful antique-looking ornament of a frosted glass bulb with a small brass scultpture of a rabbit on top. The funny thing is that ever since I was a little girl my mother's pet name for me has been "Rabbit," but Randy's mother didn't know that. It was just serendipity.

My mother gave me a couple of lovely sweaters, and she is sending Randy and I on a weekend getaway. We just have to choose the place and time. Randy and I are so grateful to both of our mothers for their incredible generosity to us, knowing that just now we can't afford to get away on our own. I feel blessed and admittedly a little guilty, but I know that it is something that our mothers wanted to do for us. I'm lucky, and I know it.

My brother and sister each made presents for us. My brother left the drawing he made for me at school but he did have a ceramic mask he made for me in his ceramic class. It's not the pretty harlequin-type mask; this is dark brown with pink eyes. The nose is distinct but the mouth is barely there. My brother freely admits that is is disturbing to look at and calls it "The Jason Mask" after Friday 13th. If it were white it might resemble that. But it isn't. Yes, there is something disturbing about it, and yet I think it looks kind of cool. I like it for being different. As for my sister Ashley, she painted a scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream for me, the one where Titania falls in love with Bottom and has the fairies wait on him. She did a great job, even buying a frame and matting it herself. Not bad for a 14 yr old! I'll frame Drew's drawing, and another painting Ashley made me of wolves last year. I want to display their artwork as I work on my house. They really are talented. My brother's sketches blow me away, and everyone who sees them are pretty amazed. Ashley only started painting a couple of years ago, but it seems to come naturally to her. They're pretty cool kids, so I guess I'll claim them as siblings! *G*

As I type I am wearing a beautiful gold pashmina given to me by an aunt and uncle. Her mother gave us homemade preserves and honey. And my aunt Mary gave me a copy of Leif Enger's Peace Like A River. Mary read it, loved it and thought of me. I'm reading it next, so stay tuned for my thoughts on it later.

As for Randy, he gave me a stand for my keyboard so that I would have something to open today. But as a combination Christmas/Birthday (in January) present he will take my camera and I to a shop nearby to pick out a nice flash and to fix the fitting on my camera, which seems to be damaged. I want one like his, which can be positioned at different angles to achieve different lighting effects. I'm so excited about this!

Really, for not being in the mood to celebrate I wound up having such a special holiday. NOT because of any of the gifts I have mentioned here. Those are, of course, nice. But what made the past couple of days meaningful for me was the genuine caring that I experienced with everyone I came in contact with. This was the most amazing gift I received for Christmas.

I hope yours was wonderful too!

To You

And so it's Christmas, friends. I have almost finished everything now and my mind turns outward to those around me. I will be spending the next couple of days showing everyone how much they mean to me. I have that luxury because they are here. But what of you? What of the friends I have made here whom I have never met but who have offered so much care and support and encouragement?

To you I say thank-you. You have made me laugh and have challenged me to consider the world from new perspectives. When I was sad you have comforted me. When I couldn't see beauty in the world around me, you showed me what I was missing. I have come to eagerly anticipate your responses to my entries, and to reading your thoughts on your own blogs.

I have nothing to give you this holiday except my gratitude to you for sharing a little of yourselves with me. I dedicate this photo to you and give it with my wish that you have a very Merry Christmas!

Angel, Demons and Spam

The spider bots found me at last. I have spent the past few days fighting with comment spam. Ultimately I decided to close comments on old posts. Sorry for any inconvenience, but so far it is working. Nobody ever posts to the old blog entries anyway. Except spammers, that is.

I was watching an early episode of Angel this evening and wishing that it was still on. Though it was a popular show, it got the axe right after the whole Janet Jackson/Superbowl incident when networks suddenly became afraid of airing anything "objectionable." That's not the official reason the show ended, but the decision was sudden and the timing suspicious.

What has this got to do with my comment spam problem? Only this: it occurred to me that they should bring Angel back but this time, instead of fighting The Big Bad and demons, they should have Angel fighting spammers. It would essentially be the same foe, but this time a common one. Who could possibly object to that?

For those who know the show, do you suppose that spammers actually work for Wolfram and Hart??? Pondering the implications...

*G*

Unbelievable

The mourning family of Marine Lance Cpl. Justin M. Ellsworth desperately wants access to their son's email account so they can feel closer to him in his final days. Ellsworth was killed in Iraq on November 3. The problem is, Yahoo won't grant them access to his account. Yahoo claims that it has to stand by its privacy policy for its subscribers. The account will be deleted when it has been inactive for 90 days, meaning that at best his family has until February 3 to change Yahoo's mind. The good news is that the Ellsworth family is receiving an incredible outpouring of support. The bad news is that so far Yahoo remains unmoved.

In Search of Spirit

This Christmas feels different to me; I'm not in the mood. I'm not precisely "bah humbug" either. I'm just blah. I made the amazing discovery that it is possible to provide gifts for 14 people for under $500. It would have been less, however the opportunity presented itself to buy something for Randy's father which cost around $100. Given all that he has done for us, and how little he ever asks of anyone, we wanted to get this DVD collection for him. So that was our big splurge this year. Our shopping is done, and many presents made. I'm still working on others. Cross your fingers that I finish on time!

I decided that I didn't want a tree this year. Randy put up the decorations outside and they look pretty. I'm simply not feeling joyful this year though and didn't have the heart for the tree and trimmings indoors. There's still time though, and always a chance I'll change my mind. Maybe Greta should have one last Christmas to slurp the water from the tree stand. Her biopsy results came on Monday confirming that she has cancer. We'll keep giving her the prednisone, then switch to something else when it stops working. But as soon as she can no longer be made comfortable, we will let her go peacefully and without pain. For now though her meds are helping and she is actually acting like her old self! It makes it harder for me in some ways, but I am so happy that she is feeling good and we'll take whatever we can get!

I'm doing something new this year. I have signed up to help out with an alkathon on Christmas Eve and another on New Year's Eve. Alkathons are AA gatherings, usually held on major holidays, which go on all night. They are hoping to run a meeting every hour, and there will be food and music as well. The purpose of alkathons is to give newcomers or people with nowhere to go someplace safe and fun to be. It's a tough time of year for a lot of people, especially when they're trying to stay sober and/or clean. They can go to an alkathon and find other people like them in the same boat. They can attend meetings and share what is going on with them, or just talk to others while eating, dancing and enjoying themselves. This year my friend John and I have volunteered to run meetings at 1AM on both Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. John and I are both night people and are looking forward to pitching in. It should be a lot of fun. I have a huge family and have too many places to go and people to see. In short, I'm blessed. These people have nobody, or at least nobody nearby with whom they can spend the holiday. I want to help them celebrate. Who knows, perhaps spending time with them will help me feel more in the spirit myself just in time for Christmas Day!

Falsified Emails

In his Reuter's article Pentagon Interrogators 'Impersonated' FBI- E-Mails, reporter Will Dunham reveals that emails which purported to be from the FBI but were actually from the Department of Defense gave permission for harsh interrogation tactics at Guantanamo Bay. These emails were acquired by the ACLU through the Freedom of Information Act and were shown to the FBI, which was apparantly being set up by this administration to take the fall for its mis-steps once again. One of the emails even alleges that Bush personally authorized the use of excessive force during interrogations.

Lovely.

Enough

Having just finished reading my one gazillionth blog by those deluded into thinking that they are morally, ethically and intellectually superior to me because they belong to that little conservative religious right club, I am about to indulge in a rant. If the tone of this post seems to be going in a direction upsetting to you, I recommend that you stop reading now or proceed at your own risk. This is directed solely at religious right extremists, and NOT at christians and/or republicans in general:

I am not Christian. I am not Jewish or Muslim or Atheist or Pagan or even Deist as it is defined in the American Collegiate Dictionary. I do not believe I will ever belong to any of these religions and quite frankly I am happy with that. That does not make me a bad person. I am always giving back to my community and making myself available to those in need. I have faults, I recognize them, I pray to the God of my understanding for guidance and do all that I can to improve. I do not expect you to adopt my beliefs. DO NOT try to force your religious views on me in conversation or through legislation. In the first case you won't succeed in converting me, and in the second I will fight you. I am not referring to the Creationism v. Evolution battles in school. I don't have a problem with Creationism being taught as long as Evolution is taught at the same time. Present both cases equally and let the kids talk about it with their families and make up their own minds. However I DO believe that gays should be allowed to marry and that abortion is a woman's choice, if not one I would choose to make personally. I also think the senator who is trying to get books banned which include any references to homosexuality has his head up his ass and is wasting time and money that could be used on better things, like social security and health care reform, or creating jobs for his constituents.

Furthermore, not all liberals are secular. There are quite a lot of liberals who are religious and act on their beliefs, at least as many as there are conservatives who do. I believe you'll also find people on both sides of the divide for whom religion holds little or no meaning. Liberals and conservatives alike have fallen into the habit of erroneously labeling one another. It's innacurate and misleading. Rather like Ann Coulter who, btw, I believe has issues with her father. Just a guess.

Now, it's Christmas and I celebrate it with my family, who happen to be christian. To me it's a time to celebrate our love of one another, and that is meaning enough for me. I say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" depending on whom I am speaking with. I have no problem with either term. Merry Christmas is often appropriate and when it isn't, I say Happy Holidays. That's not me trying to be PC. That's me recognizing that I am speaking to someone who doesn't celebrate Christmas. When speaking with a christian, I say Merry Christmas. Not a big deal.

You don't know me, and you certainly don't care about me or what I believe in. Pretending that you do is hypocrisy. You have no clue what is best for me. You are not my superior, nor am I yours. I respect your right to believe as you wish as long as you leave me out of it.

Now, you probably believe I am going to hell, and I can live with that. Let me tell you what I believe. I have decided that religious zealots (of any religion) will find themselves in a special section of hell, sandwiched between telemarketers and spammers. Your purposes and processes are essentially the same, after all. Perhaps I'll see you there in passing.

Looking Past the Poison

I know this probably sounds crazy, but I still think Yuschenko has beautiful eyes.

I grabbed this photo from Arancaytar's Little Corner

Chronicles of Masochistic Journalists

Lacking in personal inspiration tonight, may I direct your attention to The Longest Mile, the online diary of two overweight journalists who have decided to run the Big Sur Marathon. People, these guys are pretty funny. Mr. Segal's I am elasti-man post describes the yoga maneouvres he is forced to attempt and is well worth reading. Having done some of these things myself, I could sympathize.

If you need a chuckle, check in with these two!

Let Sleeping Creatures of the Night Lie

I just hate it when workmen show up bright and early on a day when I am not expecting them and awaken me from my vampiric slumbers and expect me in turn to disturb my lovely but grumpy father-in-law (owner of the house) multiple times.

Not an auspicious beginning to the day.

A Shift in Reality

I drove over this bridge tonight after looking at the photo and had the strangest feeling that I was driving through the photo. I could almost feel the invisible membrane pop as I drove through the "fourth wall," to put it in stage terms.

Aravis in '89

I found this photo of me (taken during a performance of Carnival; I was Lili) this evening. I was only eighteen years old, the same age that my brother is now. He and my baby sister attend the same high school that I did, and even share some of the same teachers. I think high school would have been so much more fun if I had the self-confidence then that I have now. Wouldn't that be the case for most of us though?

But you know, if I could whisper in this girl's ear and warn her of what was to come, I don't believe I would. Though on one level I could wish that some things in my life had never happened, I would not have the strength, understanding and compassion that I have now. I would not be the same person, and I don't think I would necessarily like the person I would have become without the character-building along the way. And I certainly wouldn't be married to Randy! I always swore that I would never get married; I didn't see the point back then and thought it would only get in the way of my career.

My priorities have shifted, and I'm the better for it. Which is not to say that my way is the only way! I just meant that it was the right way for me.

So while I may look at the girl in this photo and envy her some of her innocence, I wouldn't trade places with her.

Thoughts on Thoughts

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." ~Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

or my new favorite quote:

"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." ~Edward Flaherty

The Civil War Still Being Waged

Now here's an interesting one I found on Law.com (free registration may be required). According to Rebel Without a Cause of Action written by Shannon P. Duffy of The Legal Intelligencer, in western Pennsylvania a man who was fired for refusing to remove his confederate flags from the workplace is suing his former employers for discrimination. So far he has lost his initial suit and more recently, an appeal. He claims that he was discriminated against on the grounds of his religion and national origin as a "Confederate Southern-American."

Curtis Blaine Storey was warned by his employers to cover or remove two bumper stickers with the confederate flags on them which are displayed on his truck, and another on his lunch pail. His employers were trying to create a more diversified atmosphere and worried that his flags would offend other staff. Storey decided that if he as a Christian had to listen to co-workers curse, they would have to put up with his flags. He didn't take his boss seriously and was therefore suprised when they took his non-compliance for a resignation and had him escorted from the property when he showed up for work the next day with the bumper stickers still on display. He hooked up with the Southern Legal Resource Center whose purpose it is to help those who feel their rights have been violated because they're southern. Together, they lodged a Title VII lawsuit.

The judges have all agreed so far that the case is without merit, however their reasons are different. The initial ruling was that the display of the flags was not essential for Storey to maintain his religious beliefs. He was denied.

The appellate judges were split though. Two felt that Storey had not proven an adverse employment action. If he had removed the flags, he would still have a job. However the third judge felt that Storey had proved an adverse employment action, but since "Confederate Southern-American" is not a recognized nationality under Title VII, he had no case.

BTW, if like me you're wondering how religion got dragged into the case of the confederate flags, it's because it contains the Cross of Saint Andrew. So in demanding that he cover the flags he feels his religious rights were being violated even as he was being trampled on for being a Southern male.

So what do you think? On one hand I have to say that Storey makes a point. If he has to put up with his co-workers' offensive behaviors then they should have to put up with his bumper stickers. On the other hand, I think this guy is a bit of a jackass. And this whole "I'm down-trodden because I'm from the South so I'm being repressed by those damn Yankee carpet-baggers" thing is crap.

Seeking Strength

"...there are two entirely opposite attitudes possible in facing the problems of one's life. One, to try and change the external world, the other, to try and change oneself." ~Joanna Field

She left out a third possibility: to go back to bed and hide until you feel up to one or the other options. I don't do this, but I sure feel like it sometimes! I've been feeling overwhelmed. Honestly there's a part of me that just wants to curl up in a fetal position and refuse to acknowledge the world around me. But I won't lose a moment with my girl. I won't shut her out to protect myself from the pain of losing her. But oh! when this is over I'm going to need help. My father, uncle and grandmother each went suddenly this year. This is different. I'll be reading and she comes over and rests her head in my lap and looks up at me with her big brown eyes and I feel that horrible stab of love and loss at the same time. I just hurt so much.

I'm sorry if this bores you or if you don't understand. This year has just been so excruciating and sometimes I have trouble staying strong or seeing things in a positive light. I will find my way again. For tonight though, I needed to be a little weak and to share what I'm going through with you. Thanks for listening.

At Last, Though Long

I have finally finished reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. It has never taken me this long to read a book before that I didn't abandon. The thing is though that I really loved it! Odd, that. It's just that I have had too much going on and have been too distracted. I went through a period of "reader's block" which thankfully seems to have passed now.

This book was great. It had a wry sense of humor, was well-written and richly detailed. It finished on a wistful but hopeful note that I appreciated. I would most definitely read more of her works!

Untitled

If a picture is worth a thousand words then what story does this one tell?

Magically Altered

Would you believe that this is the same logo image of the gagged man that I used for Viewpoints? Well it is. I have been unable to concentrate on anything important today and had no deep thoughts to share as a result. I realized that I haven't played with another graphics program of mine in a long time-an older version of Ulead PhotoImpact- so I started the program and discovered a lot of different effects to try that I previously hadn't paid any attention to. The Viewpoints logo was the first thing I spotted to grab and play with. Using some paint effects, this is what I came up with. Nothing like, eh?

Ironic

My dog Greta, the one who had a lumpectomy three months ago, is dying.

We noticed that she wasn't eating properly and her other symptoms matched a description of arthritis pain so we started treating her for that. At first she seemed a little better, but then her eating dropped off again. Next we realized that though my husband was buying the same kibble for our dogs, it looked different and judging by both dogs' physical reaction (farts) we believe they changed the formula in some way. Knowing that both of our dogs are older now (approaching 10 and 12 years) we decided to try them on a seniors' formula of Iams. She showed improvement (and the house started smelling less) with the new food. She still wasn't eating as much as she used to, but she was eating more than she has been recently. We watched her. Unfortunately, though eating more she still appeared to lose weight. Normally sporting a stocky build, now I can feel her ribs and her spine when I pet her. I called the vet's office and they told me to bring her in this evening. Luckily Randy had some time between his two jobs and came with Greta and I.

I was hoping that she was diabetic. She had the sudden weight loss and has been drinking a lot of water and requesting to go out more than Sam does. Sadly, it took them no time at all to diagnose a Lymphoma. Three months ago she was thoroughly examined and had several benign lumps surgically removed, and her lymph nodes were normal. Tonight each side of her neck had huge lumps that fit in the curve of my hand. They aren't visible to look at her, but if you squeeze inside her neck they are immediately evident. The vet found several smaller lumps down her sides and along the backs of her haunches, and all this just recently. So it would seem to be metastisizing quickly. She is having a biopsy in the morning but we already know what we'll find. The vet went over our options and Randy and I discussed them tonight. The vet is going to start her on an aggressive dose of prednisone and something else tomorrow. We'll try to treat her with drugs (surgery is not an option now) and see how that goes. If she does not respond to the treatment though, Randy and I have decided to put her to sleep rather than try chemo. Even if she has chemo (a couple of times a week for 16 wks!) the vet isn't encouraging. We can't see putting her through that kind of misery with no return at the end for her. We would only be keeping her alive for us. I realize how ironic this situation is given my post of yesterday.

I always knew that someday something like this would have to happen, that she was going to die. I just wasn't prepared for it. But for now she is still alive, sleeping in the hallway between my home office and our bedroom where my husband is sleeping. She always tries to keep us apart and keep and eye on us to make sure we stay out of trouble. It's the shepherd in her.

Thoughts on Euthenasia

Every week I watch ER, though I don't know how the hospital is still standing with all of the catastrophes which have occurred there. My husband and I have a running bet on what the major gross-out factor will be each week: blood, vomit or a combination of both. He won last week; I won tonight.

On tonight's episode, Dr. Chen quits on Christmas Eve because she can't get anyone to cover her shift and her father is having one of his bad nights. He is bedridden and also has dementia which is worse at night (a condition called sun-downing). For weeks now her father, during his lucid moments, has begged her to end his life. He was once a doctor too and according to Chen he knows what he is asking for. Dr. Pratt swings by her house when he learns that she has quit and finds her deciding to honor her father's request. At first he tries to talk her out of it but as the night winds on and he sees how bad things are, and then witnesses her father in a lucid moment asking to be let go from the pain of it all, Dr. Pratt supports Dr. Chen's decision and helps her to cover it up by agreeing to sign the death certificate for her.

All of this left me pondering how I felt about this. A few years ago I would have told you that I absolutely believe that euthenasia should be legalized for those who are mentally and emotionally competent to make that decision. Yet tonight I realized that I didn't want Dr. Chen to do it. I kept thinking that she had been left alone to care for her father too long to make a clear decision. He should be put in a nursing home, as Dr. Pratt at first suggested. By the end of the show I felt that she was probably doing the right thing, but I was left with niggling doubts because of her own emotional fragility. Yes, I understand that it was a fictional situation but it offers a working hypothesis for the purpose of this post. Add any other hypothetical situation involving someone requesting assisted suicide if you like. But what do you think about this topic?

I think in the end I still believe that euthenasia should be legal, but I also believe that it needs to be strictly regulated and monitored. Terminally ill patients only, psych evaluation and counselling, including religious guidance if requested. We already have Living Wills and Do Not Resuscitate orders in case we are left in a vegetative state due to accidents, etc. People need to be screened so that someone who is just depressed and wants an easy way out are denied. On the other hand if a person is of sound mind, completely lucid and an adult, I think their wishes should be honored. I don't believe family members should have the right to stop it on, say, religious grounds for example. You know that would come up. But if the person has gone through the screening process and made peace with the God of their understanding-if they even believe in God- then that is between them and God. Nobody has the right to interfere with that. To do so would be to impose one's beliefs on another for selfish reasons. I'm not saying that the family members don't love the patient, only that in their own heart-ache they are causing their loved one more pain by trying to make them stay. I believe counselling should be made available for friends and family whether they support the patient's decision or not. I also think that counselling should be provided for those whose request for assisted suicide is denied. They might well try something on their own in that case.

This is what is running through my mind right now. I understand that it's a difficult subject. What do you think?

Defeating the Glitch

Occasionally when I try to comment on blogs hosted by Blogger/blogspot, I have trouble getting through. I know I'm not alone in this as I have seen other bloggers comment on similar troubles. I may have some help for you.

When the page isn't loading and you're stuck waiting, start playing Solitaire. Seriously. It almost always kick-starts the page into loading within seconds. I've tried several other things but this hasn't let me down yet, so I thought I would pass it on to you.

Good luck!

Censorship

"Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it should end there."
~Clare Boothe Luce

That sums it up nicely I think.

Speaker of the (Log) House

I had a speaking commitment tonight at an AA meeting a few towns away. The meeting is held in the banquet room of the Log House Restaurant, hence the title of this post. I have almost eight years in the program and have done this sort of thing numerous times, yet I always get nervous before and feel vulnerable after, as I've said in past posts. It was the same tonight, though the nerves didn't kick in until the chairman introduced me. It always happens that I stand up, open my mouth and blank out. I can't think of how to start! So I just say the first thing that comes to mind and run with it. It goes much better when you don't try to script your story, but tell it simply and honestly. What it was like, what happened and what I'm like now. Imagining your faces if you heard some of the stories I could tell is funny, not the least because I don't know what most of you look like. So what I come up with is variations on the face from the previous post! *G*

It wound up being a nice evening. Because of some of the things I wrote about in my novel of last month, some things came to mind that I haven't thought about in years. I shared some things for the first time tonight so that people who have heard my story several times discovered new things about me. I in turn learned new things about them when they shared later in the meeting. I also met a few people for the first time who were really interesting. I made some new friends, which is always a good thing.

I have been feeling more happy and relaxed lately, and again I think it's because of things I wrote about and discovered about myself. That contest was really cathartic! I feel just a little bit stronger now. Again, a good thing.

I feel a general sense of gratitude tonight for all of my family and friends, inside and outside the rooms of AA. In RL and here in cyberspace. Thanks for the support and the laughs!

Now, enough of the mush. I enjoy the good while it lasts because it always seems to go away again. Don't believe me? Go check out Jenni's blog where she ponders why Christmas spirit doesn't last all year long. Together maybe we can find an answer.

Have You Seen This Man?

I kid you not. Though this is not the actual image shown on the news tonight, it's pretty darn close. The only thing I'm not sure is accurate is the nose. I don't think their drawing provided one. I erred on the side of caution and assumed that he had a nose, but since I didn't know its shape I made it amorphous. He looked too much like Michael Jackson without one.

I saw their rendering and burst out laughing, but they were serious!

So, if you see this man be careful. Call the police as soon as you can and report him. He's wanted for the armed robbery of two small stores. There should be no trouble spotting him, right?

*laughing my way out the door*

Weaving a Star Pattern

A kaleidoscopic star woven just for you. What are your dreams made of?

New Community Created

I know that several of my fellow bloggers enjoy discussing politics, the environment and other issues of the day. Some friends and I have just begun a free web community for this purpose. In addition to current events and hot topics, there are boards for reading, film, tv, music and more. It is still in its early stages so if you don't see something there you may either add it yourself or leave me a message. Some of us already know one another, and would love it if you would join us with your own points of view, whatever they may be. Different opinions are welcome, and you may find inspiration for a blog post on the boards.

So if you feel so inclined you can find us at:

PS-a permanent link may be found on the menu to the left. I hope to see you there!

Rivi's Journey and a Question

I have been getting to know a fellow blogger a little better today. World through my eyes blogger Rivi is Sri Lankan and lives in Dubai. I love his photos and have linked to him for a while now, so perhaps you have already visited and seen his work.

He wrote to me today and told me of a trip he has just made touring through Pakistan from Karachi to the Afghanistan border near the Khyber Pass. Dubai, where he lives, is a modern city. Of this trip he said "It was a touching journey away from the usual commercial world which was an eye opener."

In his final email to me today he wrote "One person during the trip asked me quite a difficult question... How do you measure development in a country? I am still searching for the answer."

I thought that was a wonderful question, and so I put it to you.

And do please visit Rivi's photo blog, World through my eyes. He's very talented.

Why?

I saw on the news tonight that leg warmers, that trademark 80's fashion, is making a comeback. I couldn't help but ask myself why? Is this some people's misguided attempt to prepare for global warming? I can think of no other reason. If the cutesy braided/beribboned barettes make a comeback, I will know that Satan truly walks the earth after all.

Good Links

I've been behind again for a couple of days so I'll just post this:

Like The Hunger Site before it, you go there and click on a button to help feed someone. In this case, shelter animals. For those interested in this sort of thing, allow me to provide you with links to The Breast Cancer Site, The Child Health Site, The Literacy Site and The Rainforest Site.

Now on a completely different note, thanks to Arancaytar I have read Thomas Paine's Age of Reason in pdf format. This link is courtesy of Geek Girl's blog. This was some pretty radical stuff, and all the more so when you realize it was written at the end of the 18th century. Thomas Paine was the revolutionary responsible for Common Sense. Fascinating reading actually. He brought up points about religion and theology that I hadn't considered before. Arancaytar has a topic on this over at his place...

PS-For those of you unfamiliar with The Hunger Site, etc. these sites are FREE and there is no registration. You simply click their link and their sponsors contribute. I used to do this years ago on my old computer but forgot about it when I upgraded, until now. Clicking on those links with help feed people and shelter animals, provide books and funding for literacy projects, provide free mammograms, provide healthcare for children and/or help save the rainforests. Do it or not; I'm just providing the options. :0)

Also, all of these sites are interconnected, so if you click on one link you'll find access to all of the others there. This is really handy, if you wanted to put a link on your own site. ;0)