Reflecting

"What a strange pattern the shuttle of life can weave." ~Frances Marion

In a Quandary

I saw the doctor today and find myself in a difficult position. He cannot rate my disability until maximum therapeutic time has passed. Therefore he can't tell me or anyone else how disabled I am until March. In the meantime though he says I can go to work on light duty with a 15lb. weight restriction.This leaves me with a lot of options, right? Not a popular hire. So I had a good cry as I drove away from the doctor's office and then pulled myself together to go take some pictures. I really liked a couple of them. This one was taken at the same pond where I saw the heron yesterday. Sadly, it wasn't there today. However the scenery- here and elsewhere- was such that is soothed my nerves for a while. It turned a difficult time into a pleasant one.

The Storm Cloud Has Lifted

My infantile tantrum of earlier has passed. My apologies to my readers for subjecting you to it.

My last meeting with my orthopedist is tomorrow and I'm nervous. To a certain extent my financial well-being is in his hands now. I struggle to do many of the simple chores I used to do without thought, and I lack credentials and many of the skills I need to find the sort of work I am physically able to do. Blah blah blah. I need vocational re-training which comp is supposed to provide if needed. That's where the doctor comes in. He's the one who decides what my needs are. It's out of my control. So sitting here at my desk today I felt overwhelmed. Before I even knew what I was going to do, I had scooped up my camera bag and went out to shoot some pictures. There really were some beautiful shots that I was hoping to be able to frame and show. To discover the loss of all my work was just a bit too much for me at the time.

However as Scarlet once pointed out, tomorrow is another day. The roads between my town and the doctor's office are gorgeous and in fact, I was on one of them today taking pictures. So I'll go back tomorrow after I see the doctor and try again. This would mean that I will have had two wonderful days enjoying nature. Maybe I'll even manage to photograph that blue heron in flight after all.

Today's meditation from Each Day A New Beginning Journal by Karen Casey struck home for me. In part is reads: It is not an easy task to discover who we really are. It's an even harder job to love and accept the woman we discover. But too many years went by while we avoided or denied or, worse yet, denounced the only person we knew how to be.

I don't want to do that anymore.

Venting Frustration

I spent a glorious day driving all over the NW corner of Connecticut photographing nature. What do I have to show for it? Nothing. I loaded the film and even advanced it a few frames to make sure it had caught. Then I closed it up and starting taking pictures. I thought. However it seems that the film came off the spool shortly after I started taking pictures, and not one of my shots today were caught on film. And there were some real beauts. I had switched to color because of the foliage. I'm just grateful I wasn't able to capture that blue heron in flight. If I had lost that, I'd be raging about now.

So I went to drop off the black and white film that had come out of my camera at the beginning of the day. On my way there I stopped by the post office because my check from worker's comp comes in on Thursdays. Except for this one. It wasn't there, and the comp office is closed for the day, leaving me to stew overnight.

I dropped off the b&w film for one-hour processing. If something goes wrong with that too, I think I'll scream.

On the positve side, at least I spent a beautiful day outdoors, and even got to watch a blue heron in flight.

Battles Won and Lost

Tonight a couple of my friends celebrated their first year in sobriety, which was pretty cool. I remember how crazy my first year was, and what a miracle it turned out to be. Though their real work is just beginning, I am so happy for them. It was especially good to see because I found out tonight that an acquaintance of ours went back out and died this past weekend as a result. I remember Dave talking during the meetings about how badly he wanted to stay sober and how he didn't think he would have another shot at sobriety if he started to drink again. It turns out he was right, and how sad that is! At least now he is free of the disease that caused him so much pain. Be at peace, Dave.

Choosing Realities

Someone told me today that photography and writing are nice sidelines to have while I work at a real job. This seems to be the overall theme of those I am surrounded by in RL. They are appealing to my practical side, and I admit that that part of me is listening to what they have to say.

On the other hand, my friends here online, and one of my friends from RL (not counting my husband who thinks everything I do is the right thing) are supportive of me branching out in these more artistic endeavors.

The dichotomy of these outlooks has struck me as interesting and I'm wondering about the psychology behind it all. Virtual reality is based more on fantasy than reality. Is that why people here are more apt to encourage each other to follow dreams rather than following a more pragmatic course of action? And are those in RL so stuck in the prosaic day-to-day world of their own creation that they cannot (or will not) allow that any other way of living is feasible?

I don't think either view is wrong. I just find the different approaches interesting.

Programs and Rants

*I have only just watched some shows that I had to tape earlier, accounting for their freshness in my mind at the moment*

Some thoughts on recent television viewing:
1. I've been watching The Biggest Loser. I hate that name. It's degrading. I also don't think I would last long with Jillian as a personal trainer. One of us would have to die. She may be scrappy but I'm sneaky, mean and determined. Tough call. I really like most of the contestants and am rooting for them all to find the tools they need in and outside of themselves to achieve their goals and dreams. There are two notable exceptions to this as of tonight's show. After seeing Dave and Ryan's behavior towards Lizzeth, I detest those two men and feel they deserve every rotten name they have ever been called. I suspect that, in their cases, the names were probably justified. The dance of victory I did when Jerry was voted out on Survivor Australia will be as nothing to the dance I'll do when these two are voted out.

2. On Judging Amy, what's with Amy and Maxine? Amy is screwing up, yet again, with another man. I like this one. Amy needs to join me in therapy. Maxine is another good candidate for this, but at least she has an excuse. Why has nobody seen what's going on with her and gotten her some help? I had no sympathy for either of the Gray ladies tonight. Gillian, on the other hand, has finally pleasantly surprised me. Perhaps she isn't so useless after all.

3. Kudos to Joan of Arcadia for snapping out of her (annoying) funk and getting back on track. I love this show. Last Friday, I loved when her mother stood up for artistic expression. I was less thrilled when she regretted it afterward. Yes, she let down the student who objected to another's artwork, but she was protecting that other student's right to express herself, in addition to fighting against censorship. It seems to me that she did the right thing, and that it was wrong of the complaining student to try to make everyone else conform to her views. Which brings me to one of my biggest pet peeves lately, on and off the screen:

I'm tired of people trying to force their beliefs on me, be they politcal or religious in nature. I can't turn on the tv, read a paper, walk down the street or sit in a coffeehouse without someone trying to make me believe that I'm going to hell if I don't vote their way or pray their way. Who died and made them the keeper of my morality anyway? Who ordained that a person is only moral and righteous if they share your religious beliefs, and that only your beliefs are right? I can't tell you how insane this makes me. Truly. I foam at the mouth at the thought and am rushed to the doctor for a rabies test daily. So to all of the people out there who are doing this, I say Bite me. To everyone else, my apologies for my uncouth behavior. I just needed to get it out.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programs. Such as 7th Heaven (way too preachy) to Everwood (wonderful as always) and everything that airs over the following week afterward...

To Be, or Not To Be...a Paralegal

My husband's vacation was cut short when his boss' parents were in a car accident last night. There were no fatalities (other than the moose they hit:0( ), but they were injured and his boss needs to be with them. Randy doesn't mind; his boss is a very kind man and Randy didn't have any plans for this week anyway. We know his boss will make it up to him later. The important thing is family.

Randy's abrupt absence has left my days suddenly empty again. I'm not complaining; I like being alone. Having looked in the papers and online for jobs unsuccessfully, I picked up my old paralegal texts again for want of anything better to do today. I vacillate on this because I allow myself to feel intimidated. It isn't the subject matter or my ability to understand it. I comprehend it completely. People who have known me for some time are often surprised to learn that I do not hold a college degree. Or, as one of my fellow employees put it last year "No offense, but what are you doing here?" Well, as I've said before I am afraid of failure and of success. Attempting anything that challenges me will inevitably lead to one or the other. That's a paralyzing thought for someone such as myself. I convince myself that it isn't really something that I want to do anyway, and I abandon it. However, there's another part of me that is really drawn not only to the challenge but to the subject matter as well. I return to it. Round and round I go. The fact that I have so many other interests at the same time makes it easier to blow off. I don't believe that ultimately it's what I want to do with my life. On the other hand, the law is fascinating and could be very rewarding depending on which specialty I chose to enter. Psychology and Social Services are my real loves of the moment though.

Oh hell. Does anybody know what they want???

Eventful Day

Today I learned that it is a very bad idea to close one's eyes while one is vertically plunging face-first over a 220' drop at speeds up to 77 mph. If one is foolish enough to close their eyes, one feels that they are not only diving straight down, but that you are actually inverting and toppling ass over heels. This is not at all a comforting thought while riding a "mega rollercoaster." Specifically, Superman, located at Six Flags New England. Randy and I took my brother and sister there today, where we froze our fannies off. It was fun though and I'm glad I went. My siblings actually got along with each other too. This is rare and nice to see. They're teenagers, so peace is hard to come by.

On another note, Randy and I have been chosen to be a "Nielson Family." We'll be documenting our viewing choices soon. It takes a week. It should be fun! :0) They told us not to change our viewing habits. Duh! As if we would. I'm looking forward to this.

Now, off to get some much needed sleep.

Snapple Facts

"Real Fact #154
Americans spend more than $630 million a year on golf balls."

What a colossal waste of money.

Afterthought

After some consideration, I thought I would add this note. It occurs to me that I haven't discussed my religious beliefs here, and I don't intend to start now. However I also realize that my last post might lead some readers to false conclusions about my belief system. So I'll tell you this much: I am not a member of any religion (traditional, pagan or otherwise), nor am I atheist or agnostic. I have a faith that works for me, and that's as much as anyone needs to know.

I also have an overactive mind that can sometimes be difficult to rein in. When I am faced with problems it helps to meditate. Focusing on one thought, idea or passage from a reading can be beneficial in quieting my mind during meditation. I use various daily meditation books, and sometimes a tarot reading or the passage that corresponds to the Druid Animal Oracle card I have drawn. For me, they are all just tools to help me seek answers that already lie within if I but take the time to find them. The Oracle cards have the added benefit of being beautifully illustrated, and are centered around nature. It is in nature that I often find peace, so you can perhaps understand why I like these cards so much.

That's all I want to share of my spiritual practices, at least for tonight.

Consulting Druids

I write to you tonight by lavender-scented candlelight. The soft flickering glow is so relaxing. It sets the mood nicely for my topic. On a whim I consulted The Druid Animal Oracle, created by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm. I was thinking about work and what it is that I would like to do. I have been asking myself what would make me happy? While it doesn't give me a precise answer, it did offer guidance. Here's what it revealed:

Blackbird, drawn reversed- "this card reminds you that the blackbird is the smith's bird, and his song may be calling you to work in the forge of your own heart- to create a life of passion and purpose. All four elements are used in metal-working, and to create a healthy and balanced life we must work with the power of the four elements, integrating and developing our minds and hearts, our instinct and our intuition. Just standing at the gateway between two worlds, without truly working in either, is a denial of our own power and responsibility."

See some of the beautiful artwork of Bill Worthington as shown on these cards.

Spirit in Flight

"Be still and listen to the stillness within." ~Darlene Larson Jenks

Surgery and Stairs

I have to take Dad (ex-step-father) in for knee surgery first thing in the morning. Which means I have to get up at 5:45 AM. To put that in perspective, that's about 2 hours after I would normally go to bed. So I have been drinking decaf tea tonight and am here now trying to will myself into a soporific state. While this blog may have that effect on some of its readers, it isn't helping me much right now. My mind spins with thoughts and ideas at night and it's hard to turn it off. I'm not wired that way. But it's for dad, so I can do this. What I'm really looking forward to is getting him up the narrow staircase to his apartment afterwards. I remember how groggy I was after my wrist surgery. Granted we have over an hour's drive home from the hospital (his isn't scheduled at the local hospital) which should give him a little more time to wake up, still to get up the stairs with one bum leg and drugged to the gills is not going to be an easy task. Maybe I'll have him hold on to my belt and help pull him up! *G*

At least I have a good book to read while I'm waiting at the hospital. :0)

Music and a Memory

I have begun to play the piano again at last! It has been so long since I was able to practice Pachelbel's Canon that I have had to start almost from scratch. For those who didn't read my old blog, I was teaching myself to play this piece before my accident. Anyway, I have relearned most of what I had forgotten today. My wrist gets sore and stiffens up, making it difficult to play sometimes. I'm hoping I don't suffer any "day after" pains tomorrow from so much use today. If so, though, it will be worth it.

While playing my mind kept wandering back to my sister's 8th grade graduation last June. One of her classmates spent I don't know how many hours practicing this piece. I was told that he is perhaps a little "slow" academically, but not to a debillitating level. Playing the piano is his love and his outlet. So at their graduation, he got up in front of everybody to play this piece on the piano. For those of you who have never tried it, the simplicity of it is deceptive. It actually gets complicated. I was so pleased he chose to play it. The gymnasium in which we were seated became silent. People waved their programs in front of their faces because of the heat. The boy started playing. He didn't get a third of the way through it when people started whispering to each other, paying absolutely no attention to this boy's efforts! I can't tell you how furious my family and I felt on his behalf. He did a wonderful job on a difficult piece, and these people were inexcusably rude. I don't care how warm it was, or whether or not you like classical music. There is a child on stage playing his heart out and this really means something to him. I just wanted to scream at everyone to shut the hell up!!! I will never forget that, or how badly I felt for the boy. Nothing enrages me faster than seeing a child or some other person unable to defend themselves being hurt in any way.

So tonight I played Canon, thought of him and wished him well. I won't say what I wish for the people talking that night.

I Catch a Break or Two

Despite my rotten attitude I completed all of my tasks with time to spare today. I carpooled with a friend of mine who also has to attend these meetings and had a good time catching up with her. Best yet, someone came up to me before the meeting to let me know he would be interested in taking over as Recording Secretary when my term is up. This is very good news because it can be difficult to get volunteers for regular committee positions, let alone the officers' jobs such as mine. I thought one of the other officers were going to get stuck covering the position until someone new could be found. This is a relief for all of us. Now I just have to finish organizing the paperwork and teach him how it is done. It's easy, but he claims to be computer illiterate and needs my help with the program. Shouldn't take much.

In other news I still haven't found any promising leads in the job search. I am considering starting my own business, a sort of concierge/errand business. I'm mulling it over. I may well not do it because I don't want the headaches that go along with being your own boss. However I am still considering it, and working out details should I decide to go forward with it.

Mom called and asked me to take my siblings to Six Flags on Sunday while she's working, and she'll pay. So that's something to look forward to. :0)

Whine Before Bed

Not much to say tonight. I'm mildly annoyed with myself because I forgot that tomorrow night is the monthly meeting of AA general service reps for our area. Not a big deal except that I am the recording secretary and have to type up the minutes of last month's meeting, prepare the agenda for tomorrow night and make copies to hand out. It will take a couple of hours to get done- Staples is almost 30 minutes away- and though not difficult, it's a bit of a nuisance. My term is almost done; it's supposed to be up at the end of the year. However, if I find a job that requires me to work on Monday evenings I won't be able to finish my term. I have to make them aware of the possibility. I also need to organize the binder and tidy things up for my successor. That doesn't need to happen tomorrow though.

My job hunt is going slowly anyway, so perhaps my fears regarding an inability to fulfill the rest of my commitment are unfounded. There's simply not much that I can do without driving an hour to get to work, at least that I've found so far. Unless, of course, I want to work at McDonald's or one of its fast food equivalents. NOT going to happen!

NaNoWriMo

You may have noticed this on the side menu and thought to yourself "What the hell is NaNoWriMo?" It stands for National Novel Writing Month. I have gone and done something crazy: I have committed myself to write a novel in November. Between Nov. 1 and midnight local time on Nov. 30, I have to write at least 50,000 words. I cannot start it any sooner, and I cannot use any earlier works in whole or part. It must be all new. Winners of the contest do not receive any monetary compensation. They receive a badge to place on their websites and a printable certificate. What's the point?

The point, it seems, is to show writers what they can do when they really apply themselves to it. The deadline and the stipulation about previous works help force writers to set aside established ideas and think outside the box. It stifles the obnoxious inner critic who so often halts our work. There's simply no time to listen to that negativity, because Nov. 30 won't wait. The emphasis is quantity, not quality, of words. If the work is crap, that's ok because so are a lot of other people's. Contestants get together with others locally and read, laugh and reminisce about their experiences. However that crappy novel could also turn out to be the first draft of a novel that is ultimately published after a little more time and attention have been expended on it. Two winners from the past are now in print. So who knows? I'll give it a try.

My thanks to Dan for making me aware of NaNoWriMo when he wrote about it on his blog, Confessions of a Real Estate Novelist.

BTW, this is an international event. The organizers called it NaNoWriMo because they thought it sounded better than InNoWriMo. Go figure. *G*

My Life to Music?

The lack of control I have over my life left me feeling frustrated this evening and I found myself doing something I haven't done in years. I turned the lights off and reclined on the couch to listen to some music and sing along with it. In this case, I was listening to the Indigo Girls. My mind drifted as I slowly relaxed and the thought occured to me that if there were a soundtrack to my life, the Indigo Girls would have to be on it. Upon further reflection I included the following:
Peter, Paul and Mary- their music sets the backdrop of my childhood
Simon and Garfunkel- also a holdover from childhood
Duran Duran- representative of the cheesy 80's music in early adolescence
The Clash- I still don't know if I should stay or should I go...
Violent Femmes- they keyed into my teen angst. And adult angst, for that matter
Meatloaf- he's just too much fun
Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians- college. Indigo Girls also fit in this timeframe
Les Miserables- indicative of my theater years
Pachelbel- I also grew up listening to classical. Canon is my favorite piece
Nickel Creek- bonus track? I listen to some country and folk. Great group.

Now, I still listen to most of these. I also listen to many others. These just seemed to fit for this purpose.

So, what group(s) would be on your soundtrack?

An Autumnal Afternoon

Sipping cider stirred with a cinnamon stick, musing on the world around me...

Driving into town today I was struck by the beauty of my surroundings. The world around me was wine and flame and earth and emerald, glistening damply with silvery rain. All was silent save for the whispery shushing sound of tires on the wet gray road, smooth now after being freshly oiled and gravelled. Mine is a small New England town, and pumpkins lined the steps leading up to white-railed porches in anticipation of Halloween. Those bright orange orbs signal "welcome" to the greedy costumed urchins who will be pounding up and down those steps soon. It is likely that those same bright globes will find themselves strewn about or smashed in the streets. For now though they cheerfully sit in a place of honor, blissfully unaware of their fate.

On Work and Love

I was thinking tonight that perhaps I could work as a freelance writer, copywriter and proofreader. I'm not really sure how to go about it though and am too shy for cold calls. I have seen sites which provide introductions, but they are expensive and I can't help but feel that they're a scam. Finding a job (that I am physically capable of doing) would be so much easier if I didn't live in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn't mind a long commute 3/4 of the year, but winter is too treacherous and my car too unsafe to risk it. I'll continue to look, and to think.

On the positive side and for no reason at all I was swept up by my love of my husband. After 11 years as a couple, that doesn't happen as often as it should. My love for him is taken for granted, as he often is himself. Today though I was struck by how much he means to me, how much he affects my life. He is integral in ways that I didn't even realize. Yes, I could eventually survive without him if I had to. However it wouldn't be as easy as I assumed it would be in my arrogance and thoughtlessness. I'm not quite as independent as I thought, and I'm okay with that. I'm not dependent; I love and am loved in return. What a gift! He cherishes and encourages me. I know I've said it before but he believes in me when I don't believe in myself and I can't tell you how much that means. I'm a very lucky woman, and today I know it.

Spreading My Blue Wings, I Fly

You have Blue Wings! You are artistic and highly
creative. Others are amazed by your imaginative
ideas, and the way you speak so smoothly. You
are very social, but you like talking
face-to-face, instead of the phone. You love
dancing, Writing, acting, drawing, singing,
anything that requires artistic style. You have
many friends, and are popular because of your
unique style. Though your jokes crack up
everyone around you, you often daydream about
many different things, lost in your own world.
Even though, you are optimistic, and remain
friendly and loved by others in reality, you
always like to visit your fantasy world for
some peace from the hectic world.


What Color are your wings?(Mainly for Girls)Beautiful Pix!
brought to you by Quizilla

On Writing, and Alaska

Several people have asked about my trip to Alaska. Tonight I composed an email and sent it to most of them. Some have written back commenting on my writing, which has left me wondering yet again why I am not doing something more with this ability with words I sometimes seem to possess. In part it is due to a lack of knowledge. However having worked as a writer's assistant I have some idea of how the process of getting a novel published works. I have mentioned in the past my inability to tap into emotions which I have kept chained inside of me for too long. That is true, but again not the whole story. Mostly it would seem that I am held back by fear: of rejection, of disapproval, of failure and of success. On the other hand I am finding that when I write as though to a friend, the words flow easily and recreate for others my experiences and emotions. I believe this may be a useful tool to help me get past this impenetrable wall I have been hiding behind. I'll have to give it some more thought.

For those who are wondering about the email I sent, here it is. There's a portion in the center which many of you will recognize from my comment in the For CoCo entry. :0)

EMAIL:
Randy and I went to Alaska in August. I have wanted to go there since I was a child, and it was a dream come true for me! My uncle David has been a resident there for about 20 years, and he was getting married. As many of us as were able made the trip; my mom officiated the ceremony. I have never flown that far west before (I lived in Dallas for 6 years as a child), so even that was an adventure for me. Knowing that we would be making this journey gave me something to look forward to during this difficult past year, and I needed it.

We flew over the Canadian Rockies and came out of the clouds to beautiful mountainous islands which dropped dramatically into the ocean. These must have been the islands that form the Inside Passage in the Gulf of Alaska. We flew into Anchorage and though it was after 8 PM it was still light out. In fact, it was still light after 10 PM when we arrived at my uncle's old house in Wasilla, where we were staying. We would discover that it remained light until about 10:30-11 PM each night there in the summer. It was already light out when I awoke at 6 AM, so I'm not sure how long the days actually lasted. It was so beautiful though!. You could stand and turn in a circle and see mountains everywhere you looked, many of them glacier-tipped! The greens were so lush and the granite stark and rugged. The towns weren't pretty. Building materials have to be flown or shipped in at great expense, so you won't find a lot of lavish architecture there. The shops mostly look like strip malls or boxes, and the homes were simple. Some log cabins, but not nearly as many as you might think. There are few highways in the state- only 3!- but that made navigating much simpler. And you cannot drive from east to west Alaska (and vice versa), you have to fly or take a boat. There's a chain of mountains that made the creation of a road west costly and impractical. That's ok though. Private planes are almost as plentiful as cars, and you often see a piper cub sitting in someone's yard! *G*

Other than the wedding, which occured the day after we arrived, Randy and I did a lot of exploring, with and without the rest of the family. We went hiking in the Chugach mountains at a place called Hatcher Pass. It is one my uncle's favorite haunts, and I can see why. You can drive up to many different trails, park and hike. Though there were probably quite a lot of other people on the trail, we rarely saw anyone. Though isolated, it wasn't lonely. Let me tell you about my favorite hike, on our third day there.

My family and I chose to climb a mountain trail together. In order to reach it you must first drive several miles up a deeply-rutted dirt road, edged with dense scrub. At last Randy and I (the rest of the family had left earlier and gone on ahead) decided to park the car and walk up to the trailhead. Mountain ridges rose up about a half mile off to each side of us. A deep gulley fell away to our left, and many people were camped along it. They seemed to have made each other's acquaintance; there was a lot of socializing between the various camps. There was a spirit of camaraderie everywhere as we walked on. There came the occasional blast from a mine; gold mining is a part of Alaska's history, and mining continues to this day. There was no danger to any of us, just the loud crack of the explosives. It didn't last long.

We made our way up the the trail head. Nearby was a cliff face about 150' tall. There was a group of rock climbers making their way up it and generally having a good time. We paused to watch for awhile. I used to rock climb when I was younger, and was a bit envious. We turned and headed up the trail. At first it was more of a switchback on the side of the mountain to the right. The mountainside was absolutely covered in wild blueberries. Yum! They aren't as sweet as those you buy in the store, but they are juicier. We wound our way upward. We could hear and see the ground squirrels and other little mountain creatures of the rodent variety as they nibbled on berries among the rocks. There was sometimes a strange musty odor on the air, like dirty socks. I attribute it to these quirky gray furry critters as they were always nearby when I smelled it. Perhaps it is a defense, like a skunk? Otherwise the air was pure and clean, and the day was bright with the lightest of breezes. We followed the path even when it seemed to disappear into a rocky stream bed (the water was cold and clear and delicious!) and up to a pond behind the top of the cliff which the climbers were still tackling. We were even with its crest now but hidden from their view by tall standing boulders that made me think of druids. The monoliths had formed a loose ring around the top of the cliff. This was echoed by the ring of smaller white boulders which rimmed the pond we found ourselves by. It was all natural and incredibly beautiful, keeping in mind that the trail is surrounded by views of the mountains,nearby and in the distance. The sky was mirrored on its surface. Raptors occasionally soared overhead, perhaps hunting those musty smelling but cute little creatures below. We paused to take some pictures and catch our breath, and then we continued on.

We sometimes managed to catch a glimpse of family ahead, but too far away to call to. We decided not to try, but to set our own pace and enjoy the day and the glorious surroundings. Eventually we found ourselves in a long narrow valley covered in soft, hummocky tundra-like grass. It looked cool and inviting, a perfect bed on a hot summer day. A stream ran through the center and the water was a chalky white. We weren't sure whether it was due to recent volcanic activity (Alaska has a couple of active volcanoes) or if it was just the silt. It was fascinating to watch the swirls and eddies where the silt was a little thicker, not unlike being hypnotized by flames in a fireplace. We were completely alone and cradled by the granite faces of the mountaintops around us. Boulders were strewn as if by an artist for best effect. We walked on and turned a corner. In the distance was an old mine entrance, and the trail went on behind it. At that point though it became an almost vertical climb. Due to my wrist I couldn't go on, so I opted to stay in the mountain meadow by the stream with Randy, my aunt Gretchen and my young (8 yrs old) cousin and her friend while the others clambered over the next ridge. Gretchen is not my cousin's mother (that would be my new aunt-in-law). Gretchen is the aunt who is most like myself on my mom's side of the family. She and I both figured that if my cousin Brady really wasn't supposed to play in the mud, her mother shouldn't have left her with us to watch. So Brady and her friend kicked off their shoes, rolled up their pants and waded into the water. They quietly and happily played in the mud on the embankments, creating a whole new civilization reached only by boats. Randy, Gretchen and I kept an eye on their welfare while wandering around taking pictures and basking in the sun. It wasn't too hot; like Baby Bear's porridge it was Just Right.

At this moment, when taking those photos, I knew peace for the first time in recent memory. That was what the whole trip meant to me. I was happy, and I was at peace. For the first time, I did not want to return home after a vacation. Even sitting here now, when I think back to this day and all the others there, a little of that serenity creeps in. It's fleeting, and all the more precious for it.

Our other day trips were equally wonderful. We went to the Alaska Zoo, which also takes in orphaned wildlife and finds them new homes. We went on a cruise on a glacier lake to see Portage Glacier. It was cold there! Temps averaged between 70-80 degrees while we were vacationing, but not on that boat! Randy and I also went to Seward, AK on Resurrection Bay and visited the marine center there. We saw otters playing in the bay and just soaked up the day. We also travelled north to Denali National Park, where Mt. McKinley is located. BTW, Mt. McKinley was originally named Denali, a much nicer name I think, and that is what many Alaskans refer to it as. Randy and I drove as far in as they let you (15 miles) and then got out and hiked into the back-country along a sheep track. We saw bald eagles and moose that day. On our last day, we hung out in an area south of Anchorage called Turnagain Arm. It's off of Cook Inlet and is breath-taking. The tides of Turnagain Arm are dramatic; when out, there is a vast expanse of treacherous mudflats containing quicksand. When the tide comes in it has been known to flood back in as a 6' wall of water! That is not typical, however. Usually it comes in deceptively, seeming to seep up like a tub filling with water, but if you pay attention to the currents you see that the water is rushing at such a rate that your feet would most likely be swept out from under you should you try to wade in! Once full, it is deep enough that beluga whales play there. While we weren't fortunate enough to see any whales, we did see Dall sheep feeding on the side of a mountain above us. Dall sheep look like white goats with ram's horns.

When it was time to leave, I didn't want to. I felt such serenity while lost in Alaska's wilderness and I didn't want to let it go. I refused to change my watch back to EST for a month! *LOL* I will definitely go back again when I am able. There's so much to see and do and no way to fit it into one week. I haven't even begun to touch on all of its beauty and promise. The hayflats with its bird sanctuaries and the Iditarod races and the native cultures... Ah, going back is an emotional imperative for me.

Good-bye to Another Great Soul

	Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds.~Buddha
Good-bye Mr. Reeves. Thanks for all you have accomplished, and for all that you tried to do. Others will carry on the work now, but none can have so great a spirit.

Degrees of Sanity

"It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security." ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I visited my old friend today and it was a really nice afternoon. He has also had a difficult year involving the loss of loved ones. It's nice to talk to someone who understands, and while I have many people with whom I can speak, he is now almost alone. He was able to unload, and I was able to help someone else for a change.

That reminds me: the other night my first psychiatrist was arrested for assault. It seems she strangled a cat and bit its owner. I knew she was a flake with problems, but I honestly never saw that one coming! Glad I lost her several years ago.

I'm Well, Thanks.

I saw Taxi tonight with my mother and sister. Randy was working.

It was pretty funny. I think Queen Latifah is a great comedic actress. While I think she has a beautiful voice I don't listen to her music because it isn't my style. However her performances in film are wonderful and never fail to make me laugh. Then I came home tonight and saw her host Saturday Night Live. I love that show, though it will never be quite the same without the original cast. Anyway, it was nice to come home and have her on TV. It lent a sense of continuity to the night, preserving a good mood.

Tomorrow I'm getting together with an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while. It should be another good day. :0)

For want of anything better to say...

I wasn't going to join the rest of the blogging world and discuss the debates, but I'm lacking inspiration tonight so will just make a couple of comments.

First of all I will be honest and tell you that, though I am politcally unaffiliated, I am voting for John Kerry. There is nothing that could induce me to vote for Bush. Nothing.

I'll spare you all the names I called Bush during the debate tonight; their sole purpose was to make me feel better. However I found myself becoming annoyed with Kerry as well. I felt he was botching it a couple of times, and he simply can't afford to. He wasn't answering the questions asked. He kept responding to past questions or remarks made by Bush, and missed good opportunities to show Bush up for the liar he is (Bush a protector of the environment? Hello, but what drugs do you have to take to be able to buy into that one?). By the time Kerry got around to the question at hand, his time was almost up and he had to rush to fit it in.

In short, I wished Kerry would hurry up, and that Bush would shut up.

Here's hoping the third and final debate goes better for Kerry. Moving to Canada in November would be a nuisance.

My Wants Are Simple (and Out of Reach?)

I took my dog in to have her stitches removed today, and while there I discussed job opportunities. Come the end of October the doctor is going to tell me I can return to work, so comp is going to stop sending me checks. I need to see if I can line something up. The difficulty is that any job I do now needs to be largely clerical. I still can't hold anything heavier than about 15-20 lbs for any length of time. Finding positions that I am capable of filling in this rural area (which are not mind-numbing and soul-killing) will not be easy.

Anyway, the animal hospital just hired some receptionists but asked me to turn in an application anyway. They are always hiring and all but offered me the next available position. They know my family well. So I filled out the application and will turn it in tomorrow. I can't count on it though, and need to keep looking.

Ideally, I would work from home with minimal human contact. Failing that, here is my ideal: my own obscure little cubicle with a pile of paperwork that does not include any math. Leave me alone and let me do my work, and I will be the happiest of employees. Honestly. That's all I want out of life right now. Until, of course, I manage to put myself through school and get those degrees.

Creative Kitty

I don't know if I will ever do anything, but my cat wants to be a writer. He insists on hopping into my lap and going after my pen, my keyboard and even (stupid, stereotypical beast) my mouse! He purrs happily as he knocks my hands out of his way and explores the written language. I should have given my old computer to him, I think. If he shows any talent I'll get him a laptop and an agent. Then he can support us instead of the other way around. I'll keep you posted.

Prompted by a Recurring Question from Friends

Things I miss about being an actress:

I miss the overall sense of freedom from self that I experienced as an actress, not only using acting as a form of escape but also discovering the ability to safely explore aspects of my personality through portrayals of characters with darker personalities. As a person on the street it can be risky to explore emotions such as anger, jealousy or even hatred. Becoming a character who feels these things allowed me to tap into those emotions within myself and experience them as I used them for my character. The natural parameters provided by the script kept the emotions in check, kept me from bringing them outside of the scripted character and into real life. Yet within those boundaries I was free to probe at them as one might poke at a sore tooth with one's tongue. That all probably sounded negative, but it wasn't really. As an actress among others like me I have never felt so safe to just be me. Not until I met my husband. There was a free-spirited sense of anything goes and of being supported in the theater that I miss in real life. RL is all about keeping calm, cool, appearing unaffected, perhaps even really feeling that way which I can't help but feel is a sad waste of humanity. I'm not saying that people should be overly emotional messes; I'm saying that it should be ok to feel and to express feelings in a free and healthy manner. Anyway, I miss that sense of personal freedom and the safety of self-exploration and discovery which I experienced as an actress.

What I don't miss:

I miss most of it. It's more a matter of needing a lifestyle change. I can't party or indulge myself that way anymore, and I don't trust myself to behave as I ought if I immersed myself in that world again. For example, I don't think Randy would be too happy with me if I stripped naked and danced in the candlelight with my fellow cast members after a hard night of rehearsals. A bunch of us even jumped in the shower. It wasn't sexual; nobody had any sort of intercourse with each other that night. It was more pagan in feel than sexual. That was a very long time ago, years before I met Randy. But you could see where he might have a problem with me if I slipped into those old patterns of behavior, right? And honestly, I don't ever want to go back to that either.

So I don't think acting is in my future any time soon.

Observations

I was feeling too tired and ill to write last night, so I think I'll post an entry now.

One of the things which has been on my mind is the large number of depressed women bloggers I have come across. I suppose that would include myself. Is it the time of year? Are we all having an existential crisis at the same time? Or is it a phenomenon of the internet? Surfing the internet is a very isolating thing to do, and is especially common among people who suffer from some form of depression. Submerging oneself in a virtual world allows one to avoid the realities of life around us off of the web. It's the hottest form of escapism. Not to be sexist, I'll say that I think men are just as depressed; the tone of their entries is angry or frustrated rather than sad. These emotions are often easier for a man to express, especially publicly. The anonymity of this medium allows us more freedom to explore what is happening inside ourselves.

I think I'll research this more and perhaps write a paper on it when I go back to college for that MSW/Psychology double major I've decided on. I want to end this part of my entry by saying that it is not my hypothesis that everyone on the internet is depressed and angry. My thoughts above merely pertained to those who are.

In other news, I had lunch with my mother today. She asked me if I had ever thought of writing children's books. I found it interesting that she chose that genre, given my childlessness. But I told her that yes, in fact I have. I still think about it, as well as writing for an adult audience. I know I have stories to tell, they are just vastly different in knowledge and content. I haven't been able to get them out yet fully- I have had many false starts- and I think that's because there is too much of myself locked away and inaccessible. I need to be able to tap into my thoughts and feelings, even the most painful, in order to write something that is true in feel even if fiction by nature. I believe I am almost there now.

Voluntarily Reliving the Past

I had to speak at an AA meeting tonight. I have been dreading it for a little over a week because I know that my psycho brother goes to this one. Actually, other than him coming up to hug me afterwards (a regrettable habit he has picked up since our father's death earlier this year) it was ok. I always feel miserably vulnerable and stupid after one of these evenings; I hate opening up and letting people in that way. But it keeps me honest and helps to remind me, if no one else, just what a lunatic bitch I was when I drank. It also reminds me of just how far I've come, how much I have grown and learned. I am not afraid or ashamed to share the fact that I was raped back then- though I don't go into details!- and this always inspires some new woman to share during the meeting, or to seek me out afterwards because it happened to her too. I am as scrupulously honest about my thoughts and behaviors when I drank as I can be, but then I tell them how I went about changing my life and healing from the past. People compliment me on this honesty, and on my strength. I get comments about my strength from a lot of people, in and out of AA, and I can't help but find it odd. I can't tell you how weak I usually feel. I keep going because I can't conceive of anything else to do, not because I necessarily want to. There's simply no other choice.

Well anyway, I survived my years of drinking (perhaps I'll tell you about it sometime) and life in general. And I survived my brother and my speaking commitiment, so now I can relax! :0)

Back to the Divide

I've just set down my copy of Back to the Divide by Elizabeth Kay and I must say that I liked the sequel better than the original. The Divide was cute and entertaining but didn't make my list of modern favorites. While still cute and entertaining, I felt that Back to the Divide was a little more clever and a little more mature. I'm glad that I overcame my ambivalence and chose to read it.

Alarming Trend

I have now read in a couple of different sources that employers are often looking up potential employees' blogs prior to making a decision about hiring them. I can certainly understand why they might do so, and even applaud their ingenuity. I'm just grateful that I don't blog under my real name!

When I write here I am able to be fairly honest about myself because I do so under the cloak of anonymity. Of course some of you out there know me through many years' acquaintence via the internet. I'm ok with you "knowing" me and reading what I choose to share of myself here. However, I would feel uncomfortabe should the everyday people of my life start reading this blog in full knowledge that it belongs to me, or I to it. I can imagine few things worse than an employer discovering it and tracking me through it. Can you? Would you want your ability to perform a job critiqued in part by what you share of yourself in this virtual world? Or even worse, have your current boss secretly reading along with your journal records and taking notes for future reference? It now appears they might be.

Better cover your tracks before you make that next blog entry!

Compulsion, or Creativity?

The above picture was taken along Turnagain Arm, facing Cook Inlet south of Anchorage. I don't feel like I have a lot to say tonight. The fundraiser went well, even if I'm not. I've been sleeping on and off today and am now tired but unable to rest. I felt the need to write, but lack inspiration. This is another symptom of my bipolar disorder. It's called hyper (hypo?) graphia. I feel driven to write something, anything. It wouldn't be so bad if I were creating something or sharing words of profound wisdom, but I'm not. This is the typographical equivalent of talking to myself in the mirror, and about as useful. I'm referring now not to this blog, or blogging in general, but to the ramblings which occur after I log off. Sometimes I start a Word document and just type anything that pops into my head, whether it makes sense or not. I keep this up until the compulsion for the physical act of typing has passed, usually 5-10 minutes. Or maybe I'm over-complicating the matter, and it's simply the author in me dying to get out. :0)

Getting Sick

I suppose it was inevitable when Randy caught a cold that I would too. I resent it though. Why the man feels the need to share everything with me is beyond me. Misery loves company? Blech.

I helped set up for a fundraiser at a local nursing home this afternoon and am due to attend it tomorrow night. I'd rather curl up in a ball somewhere and whimper until I'm unconscious. Can't have everything I suppose.

My reward was to treat myself to a copy of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. I've been hearing quite a bit about it and several of us plan to read and discuss it together over at The Reader's Place. I'm looking forward to seeing what "Harry Potter for adults" equates to.

Now though folks, I'm going to find a quiet spot and will myself into a coma, in the hopes that I'll wake up feeling better. Good-night!

Codex

Finished Codex by Lev Grossman this afternoon. It was billed as a literary thriller. Yes, it revolved around books and there was a mystery. But it did not at all fit my requirements of a "thriller." I didn't feel any real build-up of tension. In places where the author had a chance to take advantage of a moment or a situation, he didn't. He let the tension lapse and the plot plod along. The main character wasn't very sympathetic. I felt again that the author had a lot of potential to work with, but dropped the ball. So much felt incomplete about the book, the plots, the characters and the book-within-a-book that lies at the heart of the story. The most disappointing aspect of Codex is the conviction I have that it could have been so much more.

Give this one a pass, or if you must read it, get it from the library.